Monday, November 15, 2010

Family Affair

I've always believed that in another life if my mother had another my father, things would have been very different. For the better.

All these years I've watched him, the only one consistent thing I see is disappointment instilled in others. I've done my time with learning about disappointment and all in all it is actually a small thing. We just need the character to pull ourselves back up when we find shit being thrown at us. But my observation in recent years seems to suggest my father himself have slowly given up in not being disappointing already. Nothing personal, it's just the truth.

I was talking to my brother just now when things got a little heated up and words said got misinterpreted and all that, it happens, but later on he pointed out a secret, something that I've not been aware of until now. That during the time I was in Singapore (with my sister) we left him alone at home and in the absence of his two elder siblings all he had was his father and mother. My mother, the sole breadwinner of the family works 5 days a week from sunrise to sunset for the past 20 years or less, and when she's not working she's doing her part at making sure we all eat and have a clean house to stay and good cloths to put on. If anything, she have always been putting in 150%. My father on the other hand. I don't know. He stopped talking to my mother since 10 years now. Stopped talking to my sister ever since she left home and occasionally my brother will try to talk to him. I. I don't talk to him.

My brother mentioned he had his dark times when both me and my sister left home. True, he was finding it hard to cope with noone proper to talk to on top of also having his O levels to prepare. He mentioned during then when the going got though both my father and mother gave up on him and in the total darkness he found hope from in himself. Which is from the religion actually. I feel bad for being absent during then but the fact is I had to live my own life too.

Maybe he blames them both equally for giving up hope on him, but putting his character and personality into understanding the equation- him being more of a self centered and demanding person than I am-, I understand that he sees the problem less to do with why my parents behaved like that. I understand better, atlease for of one of them, which is my mother. I understand the weight she carries on her shoulder in keeping the family running. She's basically the breadwinner, the organizer, the home keeper, the family cook and the mother. More than deserve it. She too is the family chain, keeping us 5 under one roof as a family. I think without her I'd just bring my sister and brother and exit this family, if it wasn't because of my mum. My mum is the one person I've my whole life to thank, it's as simple as that.

Sometimes I wonder maybe my parental side grandfather's passing had in some way affected my father's will to live. I wonder maybe since grandfather's passing about a year ago, my father have lost the one, only and last thing there is to him to look forward to. Maybe. Maybe he had end up thinking " wtf I've nothing much to live for so wtf la " or something. Maybe I'm wrong to say that but he certainly didn't show any proof of dispelling that either. Whichever which, it's only for the other 4 of us to suffer from more.

And in digging deeper the more shit that have been concealed in this family are exposed.

Once my brother told me he had a dispute with my father over who drives the car when the whole family is present. In theory and all normality the son would drive as to take over the burden and responsibility and finally give the father a rest. But clearly not here. My father argued and (I assuming forcefully using his temper to win disagreements,) my brother conceded. That is just the scenario. It doesn't take a genius to guess the reason.

I'm no genius but I figured the reason is because being the family driver is his last and only purpose to the family, if he stop being useful to the family then he would have no purpose already and it's just a matter of time before my mother got rid of him too. Doesn't sound so nice, eh?

All in all, I'm just trying to get my focus straight again after arguing with my brother. He called my worse of all, but I think not.

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