Thursday, November 18, 2010

Another one bites the dust. RiP Val.

I can't stop wondering why would a person commit suicide. Was it her life that she couldn't stand anymore? About the 3/4 years old baby or the boyfriend/husband?. She's only 22 this year, just like me. Was it her family pressure from maintaining their reputation? Was there internal politics that crossed over her lines?

This is about a friend of mine. She's from my time at Singapore Polytechnic and although totally worlds apart in everything, we were for a short time period close during our weekly once gems class about 2 years back. She's hot, had beautiful eyes and a beautiful body, nice personality and a classy background. She was a Kawasaki bike rider too and a regular club goer. The girl many wish they are, living an almost complete life.

And then from nowhere she took her own life.

I didn't ask about the details regarding it out of respect and so I can only imagine.

One night after another all-too-regular heated spark she question her existence in this world, the past, present and the future. She thought about her 3 year old daughter and cried. She knows what naive means but it means nothing.

She whispered in her thoughts and ask the little girl for forgiveness. She decided she's no longer approaching anything more in the future, but instead is way past many things for so long. It's long overdue. The more she thinks of it, the more she gets a headache and a heart ache. She cries. She commits suicide, the slow way.

Closing her eyes for the one last time half hoping it will be permanent darkness now.

the next person that meets her came just a little too late.

I just made that up. That's what I imagined.

I'm still finding it hard to comprehend a loss like that. I know I didn't really know her and the smile she had on her face back then always reminds me she's out of my league, but me being myself every friend I have on Facebook are special to me. If they weren't they wouldn't still be there as I delete people regularly with a straight mind.

The one and only passing of person with significant concern in recent time is the late Joash, a person I really admire and look up upon. He went in a car accident and perhaps with 1 second's notice. Okay. Atlease he didn't feel the pain from the prospect of departure.

In this other friend's case however she have seen it coming all alone. For all the wonderful people she had around her, for all the pain she kept shielded inside from them. Noone really saw it coming, because if they had somebody, anybody, lending her a helping hand could have change the outcome. But no it didn't. She's gone and she's not coming back anymore. No more follow ups, no more post-event stories. Nothing.

If I could contact with her in whatever state she is in right now and talk to her and then turn back time to change the chain of events, I would. I really would. There is a part of me, even though I don't know it very well yet but still know exist that hopes to never see any bad things happen to all the people I care about. Family and friends alike, the people I chose to have around me. When she left, she leave me feeling so hopelessly useless, sad and disappointed in letting down. If only.

I want to make real a promise I want to make to myself from now on. That I will never let( at my capabilies) be down again, facing a dark future. I will be there for you. I always have been, but I just want you to know that if you have any problem do consider talking to me as an option for salvation. For your sake, for mine, for ours.

As I wrote on facebook, for all those who have fallen prematurely before start living life, they're gone. They might exist forever in our memories. They are also the reason we have to keep living life, keep waking up tomorrow and keep pushing life to it's fullest never to even consider giving up, to keep existing. Even if noone knows or noone longer cares, for their sake if not ours we must.

Valerie, rest in peace. I hope peace is upon you I really do.

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