Tuesday, October 26, 2010

For the upcoming semester break I've decided I'll spend time to redo this blog. I want to change it from a online media hub into a living autobiography of myself.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

In Telling Myself that There's No Greener Than Here

It seems a person is more interesting when they are still quite a stranger to me. Often when meeting new people be it real life or online, I'm more excited when I'm still new to them. When more of what I make of them are prospect rather than actual facts.

A girl can be the shiniest diamond when I first know her but as time and reality sets in the crudeness on it's surface starts to appear. A girl can be the brightest star in the dark sky but upon closer examination it too is filled with craters.

Mixing with many of both I know well enough it's not the case with guys.

I want to believe it's just me but the truth is that the root of the problem goes deeper than that. It's a matter of trust. A matter of trusting the person, waiting and believing that they have more to offer with patience in time but that's just exactly what I've become. I've become the absolute opposite of that.

It seems ever since that I've lost that side of me I once was. The patience and the calm believe have deserted me. I no longer trust the future being brighter on it's own. Perhaps I've started to focus my effort (correctly) on the present more than in the future.

Maybe it's just my this age which I've pointed many times where we should step up from the passenger to the driver and take control of our life. Maybe it's the change of environment after being away for so long. Maybe it's a lesson I've picked up from Singapore, a lesson that means fast paced.

Maybe it's because of the broken trust in hope I once live my life by.

Either way there's no looking back now. I just don't look back at things and this is one of them. One day when life ends maybe they'll say why.

My Life's a Contradiction To Myself

Sometimes this blog goes for many long days without a hint of any activity when my mind's in the rare occasion is set thinking crystal clear. Sometimes I write things which I don't like and either delete it or quickly overlap it with a newer post.

One some rare occasion I'll find myself wanting to write something on the blog but wouldn't because my logic tells me my effort and time should be reserved/spent on other more important things of that moment.

Like sleeping. Like studying. When there's an exam tomorrow afternoon and it's 4am in the morning. Like in a world filled with badness that my bad is less bad than your bad.

Sometimes I feel I'm a good example of a person living a life filled with internal politics and contractions. Is it a good or a bad thing? Time will tell.

Friday, October 22, 2010

If it's true that value comes from scarcity

Then I shouldn't be going home much anymore.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

If You Think You Have A Brain, Then Use It

On Monday morning I left a random How are you message on Sara's wall and thinking that must have been the best damn thing I've done all week, to put a smile onto someone's face in the midst of the all too common monday blues. I knew I could expect a reply not only before the end of the day but a matter of how soon.

The day ended and a new day came and no reply.

I realised later she said just last week she was off to Chiangmai for a week. Heh. Lovely.

Although knowing this unlike most people I didn't go and rectify the situation by correcting myself, instead I waited and waited. For nothing, really.

The usual -I can think of 1001 reasons why did I rectify it since I knew about it- just wasn't ever going to happen.

This morning half asleep I had found an alternative ending. Sara, all yours to find out.

It's amazing how despite the common knowledge that our brains are only working at 5% capacity when we are awake ( or 2000% capacity when we are asleep), we never really utilize that knowledge and try to bend it to our favour. Maybe in the future we would see applications of that but for now, bring puzzles to sleep seems a revolutionary way to reach out for new things.

And as always, I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I started doing it, realised it only after its done. Amazing.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I Will Take My Shame To The Grave

My current personality state of being able to genuinely laugh with you one week, and completely ignore you as if we'd just broke up and moved on the next week would lead many people to believe that I'm a many face faker.

Guess what, the truth is it's actually that's quite true. Many face yes, faker not really. Maybe I am but if so I've gotta be damn good at it. And more importantly decoding this kind of "product" goes far deeper than many would have imagined.

A twisted mind I may have, perhaps often tells twisted stories.

I've always believed that the best state a person could be, and I myself want to be, is by being a person who plays one card at a time but have many cards to play with, every time. He have the option to fully dictate what card to play according to his assessment of the situation with regards to his motives, or in higher terms, manipulate the circumstances for it to adjust any situation he face to his favour. All the time.

Like having a gun with 200 types of bullets. Why this over the other? Because I like and I can.

Coming back to this situation which is just another example of how I'm doing in life, I may have many faces and I may be able to choose my cards. Many will conclude people like this are just fakers, wannabes that fall short. Well guess what, faker I am but fall short I am not. When fakers are defined as one with many but incomplete personalities, I may have done enough to "fake" it long enough for me to maintain my cards.

The truth is that, I am not a faker. I'm just multi-faced. My real personality is being multi faced and through effort and experience I've collected the tools to execute it. In my own ways, I'm being true a person, just a true as everyone else are, albeit also in my own ways.. somewhat different.

And I like it when people think lowly of me because they killed their own expectations of any fightback without me even doing anything yet.

This learning is still far from over but the first step is always the hardest and in doing one I've got the ball rolling.

My Hostel Taught Me A Lesson

I was talking to my neighbour next door and he told me lots of stuff that merited a place on this blog.

Basically I'm just very lucky to have moved in into the circumstances I am in.

Before me there's another Arab guy and he's bad.

His leaving opened the door for my place into this existence here.

The way the hostel goes, single room is only about 1/4 of the whole block and I've got a single room. Could consider myself very lucky already.

And on top of that each floor have one CCTV monitoring the whole floor and with the two behind the scene stairways the CCTV which is situated to watch the main corridor with the lift is only in my opinion, half efficient. My room is located directly in front of it, no chance of anything going through my door without being seen by it.

Very safe relatively compared to others.

And the timing is also good. I came in in June, when just barely half a year ago break ins and theft is a very common occurrence in this block. During it's peak time, as many as 6 laptops got stolen in just one day from break ins. Informing the authorities and police also almost always ends up fruitless.

It got so bad that the school finally upped the whole block's security. Multiple security guard are hired to keep the main, one and only entrance always alive. And they installed CCTV. And they implemented the thumbprint id access. No wanders why the backyard of the block is fenced up with military barbed wires as if keeping the prisoners in.

Safe is not a bigger word when thrown in the face of danger.

He also highlighted that for our corner here, we all know each other very well and most importantly, communicate as a community. We watch over each others back and check upon each other to ensure everything is right.

All of that combined made me feel very lucky indeed.

Especially considering the fact that just barely one month ago as I was contemplating moving out to the new condominium just at the other end of school, I weight both option and concluded they are both equal. How wrong I was. How naive I was.

I had set my mind onto it for a great time and despite all the failings I had push hard enough to live through the difficulties. At the final moment I had the opportunity calling at me I had a gut feeling that somethings odd. I almost went ahead had it not be for the fact that I didn't have my personal funding available which shifted the balance. Despite the unfamiliarity and embarrassment of being labeled "the talk so much but no action type of person" I told the guys I wanted out at the 11th hour. They didn't take it smoothly but life still went on.

Now it doesn't sound like a big matter but the reason the odds are really big is because on top of the hostel being whatever it is, through experience I reckon the condo will be the center for many problems.

For one, it doesn't have a central system to govern the behavior of the tenants. At the hostel we don't go around fighting and spray painting someone elses door because we believe that the school will get us. We trust that there's a system, a higher authority, which makes consideration of our action worthwhile.

At the new condominium I expect to see civilized people degenerate to standards lower than before having moved (ironic isn't it?) simply because of the absence of a higher power. Yes the condo stated well enough that it comes with 24/7 security guard, but at best they are there to keep outsiders out. The real problem is from the inside. They are not there to maintain harmony or peace, even if they could they wouldn't. why would they? they are working not doing charity by being angels. The real problem is the tenants themselves. Simple because they could.

Unfortunate to say, for those friends of mine who moved out en mass, they are those of you who could do well with little studying, but in not studying they are influencing those not as gifted and in doing so, dragging them down. Like an anchor into the open sea, it's a matter of how much, how fast it sinks.

Guys being guys, given a environment where they have liberty from parental watch, finance, space, time, opportunity and booze( and not to mention girls yet), why wouldn't they party all the time? They would. Maybe not literally, but studying goes down with the anchor all the way to the abyss too. It defeats the whole purpose of being in school altogether. Playing is fun but when without control, overplaying is destructive in many ways. For a person like me I wouldn't be able to live with that kind of guilt.

Maybe once yes but not twice, I've done my share in Singapore already.

Maybe I subconsciously saw that coming just before I moved in, maybe I didn't but I'm fortunate for the way things turned out for me.

Also through watching humans learning from experience for all of humanity ever existed, with no guidelines to follow, people will always make the same mistake every-single-time we throw them back to the start of a situation. If it was the same people they would learn, but in this case people here are all independent cases from those before and they will make the same mistakes (and subsequently learn - the hard way- from it) again. Learn once more, things my seniors and their seniors all have went through in the history of this hostel. Things like the theft and inadequate security just a year ago at my hostel.

That, they are going back to ice age again.

Back then they said the cause of the havoc are because of the huge population of locals here. Fair enough, the locals are always the more culpable ones because they have outside connections and greater knowledge of the know-hows. This semester the new rule being enforce is forcing a mass exodus of the locals. Meaning, we are (I think) heading into a new dawn again. Facing a new situation with no history to guide us and no old heads to lead us, I'm keeping my eyes open bigger now than ever, to be the first to notice any wave of change regarding this.

Towards the end of our conversation my neighbour, having just found out about my history of walking solo at Singapore for the past 4 years said, ( with some reference to himself having gone through a similar path of life too)- " We should know this better (of handling this situation) ".

He is damn right.

With great authority comes great responsibility. If authority of our own life comes from experience and experience comes from knowledge, at some point we would have learn enough and have to take full responsibility of our own life. I've just connected the dots and thought that up in the past few minutes but it boils down to the same fundamental principle of mine - that we can give reasons for being born imperfect but we cannot give excuses if we die imperfect.

The one thing I learn today is don't ever stop learning from others, be it your classmates, peers, compatitors or neighbours. Be it class lectures, gossips, news or past history. There's only so much one person can learn in his lifetime but if a person learns to utilize the summary of others learning then it would be.. more awesome ;)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A Spark of Life

Was talking to a new friend and she reminded me of once upon a time.

* * *

Day turns to night, night eventually becomes day. The dog just never grows old, as though the people do. Everyone doing the same old thing everyday tomorrow's no different from yesterday, next week from last. Life's quite easy but even easy can lose its meaning from overexposure. Despite the past, the future is unclear as always.

Until one evening when a parcel came. The date was around 28 March 2006 the day a Wednesday. I remember very clearly. In it it says I've been accepted to go to Singapore (yay!)(but what's all the fuss about?)(what's Singapore anyway, beside a country?) It also states I should expect a follow up letter about further instructions in the next 30 days. Awesome. I've got 30 days to celebrate the news!

It came the next day. Alright. Nothing much to celebrate anyway. It was a Thursday.

And in it it states that school commences next week. And before I can join them, I need to get the official stuff done, among others a medical cert. Before Monday. Which means only on a Saturday half-day shot.

Which means we're leaving on Friday night, after mom come back from work. Which is actually about just exactly 24 hours when I realised it. How nice.

At that time I was so into Jem and in her debut album is a song called 24.



***

"24"


Been given 24 hours

To tie up loose ends
To make amends
His eyes said it all
I started to fall
And the silence deafened
Head spinning round
No time to sit down
Just wanted to
Run and run and run
Be careful they say
Don't wish life away,
Now I've one day

And I can't believe

How I've been wasting my time

In 24 hours they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

Is there a heaven a hell

And will I come back
Who can tell
Now I can see
What matters to me
It's as clear as crystal
The places I've been
The people I've seen
Plans that I made
Start to fade
The sun's setting gold
Thought I would grow old,
It wasn't to be

And I can't believe

How I've been wasting my time

In 18 hours they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

In 13 hours they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

I'm not alone, I sense it, I sense it

All that I said, I meant it, I meant it

And I can't believe

How much I've wasted my time

In just 8 hours they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

In just 1 hour they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

***


I can't help but connect the similarities about her in that song with my situation.

" Been given 24 hours
To tie up loose ends
To make amends "

In 24 hours I'll have a total change in my life and given it's an advance notice I've got one day to prepare for it. To make this shit of my life into something workable, something to survive on once in Singapore.

" His eyes said it all
I started to fall
And the silence deafened "

My parents eyes shined in confidence and victory and I smiled along too, but inside I question the gravity of the situation. There is no turning back now. And no helping hand to make myself be heard.

" Head spinning round
No time to sit down
Just wanted to
Run and run and run
Be careful they say
Don't wish life away,
Now I've one day "

In the cyber cafe the next day with 12 hours gone I realised time is mercifully cruel. It doesn't slow down a pace no matter how much I regretted not treasuring my life up til yesterday. Even in hoping time would turn back, it cost time, time still went on. My clock is ticking down.

" And I can't believe
How I've been wasting my time

In 24 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me "

The they and your here refers to myself. I need my own blessing to live my own life. I'm doing it for myself.

" Is there a heaven a hell
And will I come back
Who can tell
Now I can see
What matters to me
It's as clear as crystal
The places I've been
The people I've seen
Plans that I made
Start to fade
The sun's setting gold
Thought I would grow old,
It wasn't to be "

That's as straightforward as it gets.

The latter half of the song is a repetition of the chorus, each time the figure counts down from 24, to 18, 13, 8 and finally 1 hour. Knowing how this is gonna end is not one bit comforting either.

* * *

Having lived through that to called it experience, being forced out of the house then really has been that one life changing moment in my life.

Like a spark from nowhere, I now say that one spark has made me who I am today. Moving to Singapore I've experience an exponential growth - what I've learned in my first 2 years there is almost the same as what I've learned in 17 years prior to going there.

My O' levels result back then was shit so much so it's more amazing I've gotten a call up than had I not. Why, I never know. Had Singapore Poly did the more obvious thing I wouldn't be the person you know I am today.

My brother who took the same O levels late last year obtained a way better results but was denied a similar route. I consoled him by saying "life's a mystery for us to uncover, no two person's route is the same, else it wouldn't be a life" " I've found mine, now's your turn to find yours" even though inside I know it's called fake confidence. A scientific lie. Just what faith is all about.

The move cost my parents a great amount of money and I couldn't see why they'd chose it back then but now I do. For all the money in the bank account, if experience was on sale that was the price.

Like a coconut in its hard shell, once you break it you expose the inner white flower to the world and there's no going back. All it takes is that one knock on destiny to change fate.

This whole story to me is immortalized in Jem's 24.

Inversed.

Ever since leaving Singapore for Malaysia things have taken a massive turn. I couldn't say I didn't half anticipate it but what use to be the relying now have become relied upon.

In Singapore I've always been second best, following, responding. Now here it's quite the opposite. People come up to me to ask for help with homework, class work, lectures etc. Even those 6 sems my senior.

The other part I've noticed is about stuff outside class. I've realise there's a growing amount of people relying on me, hanging around me, clinging on to me, even when I set my mind in living in solitude. It must be something about something which is here now, not having been here before.

This weird aura of attraction is very similar to the one Fiona had on me back then, where I was the metal and she the magnet. I can't help but notice the similarities. In her case the more she tried distancing herself from me, the more I wanted to come nearer to her. In my case, well lesson learned.

In trying to keep they away from me I know now I have to come closer but just enough to stay out of trouble. This must be the exact lesson Fiona faced back then when I was around her, but perhaps she didn't see it coming.

Now I feel on par with her image she'd left in me. We're even.

Unfortunately I'm still bad because the pain she'd left in me I'm now passing it upon others. In her words last time, she condemn guys. Me now, I condemn trust.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I Don't Want Money but I do need Money

If I had the money, one of the few things I consider worthwhile spending it on is this.

The whole damn thing.

I happen to read one of it from the school's library and it took me awhile to realise I really liked it. Been searching google countless times for it before I manage to find it, with a think chunk of luck.

They say we don't realise the value of money until we start working and earning it ourselves and it's true. 8 months prior to continuing my degree here I've been managing my entire current account myself and it'd taught me a lot. The way I see it people nowadays have a tendency to spend unnecessarily on almost every possible thing but I'd distinguished myself from that.

In truth it's less to do with saving or financial constrain of any sort, but rather just a character trait I admire (which is naturally unnatural of me) and chose to pick up. I just can't stand wastage be it time, resources or just plain inefficiency.

I'd say money in general is limited and in deciding to use it to fund one thing means choosing it over another other options. By opting for a RM50 soccer ball I'm passing on a RM50 priced book. You get the point. To spend on something I always get myself to give a good reason to do so. If the reason is real good, the price at times could even "not" be a limitation. It's not about being thrifty but rather, not wasteful. Maybe this is the fundamental concept behind wise money management in which it's so much easier to understand by just telling " save, save, save money".

For me I haven't explored the skill of absolute money saving yet but I've been practicing avoiding wastage (of money) ever since I've started working one year ago.

And I want to get the books, waiting for when the time is right.

p/s: to those of you who took deeper notice of the title, give yourself some time to think it through first on a neutral perspective before comparing in any way. In any way. nobody have an upperhand against me in any way, simply because I chose to believe so the same way you do.