Thursday, July 29, 2010

Watching A Demise From Afar

J

The more I read and understand you the more I think you're an idiot who's very well on your way to fucking up your life, pity

What a waste of a friendship we once had

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

An Interesting Perspective of a More Interesting Relationship

Quite a few weeks ago I've ranted on this space about a teacher who's a bit "different" from the lot. The teacher have is very strict and have high expectations of how the teacher's job should be done and it being let down by the environment- the system, the students, the mentality. In another person's eye you would say ~'s crazy.

I've changed my stand after that in my attempt to unclog a mental blockage (as part of what do that needs to be done, which I bluntly succeeded to overcome IMO).

I was starting to think the sun's rising back again after a long rain. I thought I've passed the tunnel and saw the real light. Maybe I did.

Two weeks went back without incident but before positive consistency could catch up, yeah.

Today I went to class perfectly normal. Brought my stuff, done my homework and studies in advance and save an allocated amount of mental energy for ~ lesson. Well to cut a long story short, the lecturer was pissed with the class for making noise like all classes do, on top of being pissed with a bunch of students(not me) for complaining to her strict regime. I got caught up in an unfortunate scenario where I'm innocent yet being falsely accused for things I didn't do.

As I've done my background check on this particular lecturer from my seniors, I knew maintaining a positive relationship is the goal. I had to turn the sour encounter before it gets worse. I stood up for my own innocence.

Being pissed and sick of hearing everyone's excuses (regarding the matter above which excludes me) the teacher missed it. My reasons were excuses in ~ ears.

Just like in a story, bad things get worse. The teacher started focusing her negative energy on a specific target, me, and it's not fun. Other obvious normal happenings about me were becoming my flaws in the teacher's eyes. As they say you can do what you put in mind into doing, when you want to hate you can hate. Hate.

By then she was personally calling me names, which is common reaction but nonetheless still unprofessional.

At times like that arguing back might win the battle but will cost me my war. I really need not explain because the obvious is obvious to the point that the class quite stood in disbelief of the things I've been accused of. A verbal argument in a tensed situation I've seen from experience only make things worse.

This is no longer about being chicken or brave, reacting instinctively or preplanned, keeping or losing our cool. This is only about one fucking thing- the grades. The teacher decides that and ~ perception towards me will affect it, and the only thing I see myself doing is taking the blame.

Yes, it's my fault that the school system is shyt and my name didn't get registered into your name list. It's my fault that I didn't attend your first class because they school online portal (and my timetable) went AWOL. It's really my fault I was a few minutes late for todays class because we were all having another class earlier before this at the next room. It's my fault that those people signed their attendance on the wrong date and I didn't but still you got pissed. Yeah, it's my fault that I'm really stupid and arrogant.

The whole reputation of being a hate figure is so absurd that even the girls I don't know in my class had the pitiful face to this repeating problematic offender, heh. Honour leh.

But seriously I don't feel one bit sympathetic to my own fate. Those who knows me in person knows that. I only feel unfortunate, unfair and to a certain extend, naive for not being able to handle the situation more expertly in a manner one would handle it better with experience. But above all, I feel sorry for the teacher for cracking under pressure. In my own definition, when a person cracks under pressure they lose hard earned respect. You have let us down.

In my own opinion too, I lost the battle but am on course to winning the war about everyone's respect.

On the flip side, I've this other lecturer who entrusts me with emailing the whole class our lecturer notes, and he took his trust one step further by handing me a responsibility I have no reason to accept of creating a online group to aid his teaching needs. I proudly did and he knows it wasn't a trust misplaced. I'm not a bad student by any means, yeah?

I came to school primarily to get the grades, but life just never seem to stop teaching me it's lesson and I'm enjoying it.

The next challenge is how do one changes his fate if he knows how it would end if he didn't.

hearing: 3 Doors Down - It's not my time

Monday, July 26, 2010

Look at my feets- : They are not the same size! laughs

Played soccer barefooted again last Friday and have a swollen foot now.

It's normal to have injuries from sports and a swollen foot is no different, but this swelling looks different from the rest.

It looks funny. Funny things to me generally means they are " Not funny " and this not funny swollen foot is funny because the Not Funny now seems to be funny.

But all in all it is worth it. Ask me anything I've done for football and almost always I will say the same. Ask me anything I've done and almost always I'll say the same too. No regrets.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Can we make gold out of shit?



If we just believe in turning the tide, inverse the resources and outcome

After a nap I've pull myself together back again. Sorry fiona for dragging you into this mess.

One Of The Most Beautiful Picture, still remain in the eyes of the beholder



It's about my past, the present and my future.

I can't be at two place at one time but I have been at will be at two places in time.

The yellow dot in the middle is me now.

Sorry for the crude awakening but what is eventual is eventual

Remember the time when I told you you are the one, in my eyes you are nothing but perfect and we should be together? That wasn't a lie.

I wish it was the truth too.

Now with time I've got something minor to add. She's perfect, bar one small thing. She's her venom, she's my poison. I'm dying, crumbling, disintegrate, collapsing, imploding, backwards when I'm around you.

The effort of trying to control the emotions and think straight have cost me too much trouble and time. The best is we disconnect.

I'll leave things as memories of the past and that way it will live forever. Fact is going to Singapore and meeting you were all against great odds and perhaps should have never been given a chance to exist all along.

Go and find a boyfriend, have a great life and get married, I need to move on.

My uneasy stomach from yesterday night I'd told you about, it's still here. You took away the air in it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

An "A" for your Moral studies means nothing if you don't apply it.

We were having dinner and found a lost file. I told him we ought to return it to its rightful owner because despite the fact that it only contain handwritten notes to us, it means alot to the owner.

That was the theory from me. He thinking I'm that holy said he wanna see how they will react in the awkward situation when returning it.

I went ahead. We handed it back and left without any contact whatsoever.

Done and forgotten.

Until he later found out that the person is a friend of his. Connected back again. Oh my.

What a sweet ending.

Story of Two People



who's live near each other but never cross path.

Monday, July 19, 2010

A Frog's Eye

Here's another random one. I made this up myself on my way to the washroom just now.

I've been say alot of "Hi" and "How are you" to my fellow neighbours and their associates, and despite it being very warm and friendly I actually hardly remember in particular any of them. Most don't remember me just like me myself, but there's a few who actually does.

So when we meet again they will give a quick friendly glance/wink/facial Hey and I'll be yeah. Hey back.

All of which kinda feels quite routine now already.

Out of the blues I had a weird thought about it, one step further.

I thought of something hilarious in this-

" I say Hi to people but in truth I have a frog's memory. "

(wonders what is a frog's momory?)

" Frog don't have memories. "

Found it funny at first and dismissed the source as a random thought. Upon thinking deeper I realised it may actually be more than just pure randomness; there may be some truth, some actual, subconscious connection as the reason to it.


Look. Looking

The reason I compare myself to a frog is because we both ( me and frog) have something in common. We quite often have those blank moments- times where our eyes are wide open observing everything around us, yet nothing actually in our mind.



Hey, hey, dude you there? Hello?
christian bale in the machinist
source



Ya' know, like 1000 visual imput and 0 interpretation of any sort. Like me, like a frog.

" and well, actually a frog's quite intelligent too "

we just don't know it yet.

Me and frog, we, we just don't know how to reap the reward from this talent. That we are still working on. Time. As of now, we are content to be just a-nother dumb nut who stares into blank space.

Waiting for an idea, a spark or an inspiration. Just one thought away.

Yeah.

But for you Frog, yeah I know you're smart and humans don't know it yet( naive them!). You're just not intelligent yet, lol.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Learn from Others.

Just for fun. A little thoughts on some little things.

l!nk from The Road Ahead


"My ten pet peeves"

1. People who tease or abuse animals
I've a soft spot for dogs and a softer spot for cats. People who bullies/condescend them in any ill intentioned manner always disgust me and more. Why can't we just live in a world of mutual peace?

2. Dirty toilets
My hostel is filled with dirty toilet. Everyday it gets cleaned and the settings of the dirty toilet reset, but it just still is dirty in some unexplainable way. Maybe it's all in the mind.

3. People who don’t reply emails/texts/ calls
In a time of unfamiliarity with my telco provider of my handphone number sometimes I wonder if the sms did get through, and/or with delay.

4. Messy wardrobes (mine)
It takes effort, determination, focus and reason to tidy a room, but it seems it's almost natural for a room to untidy itself. At the end of the day it all is just an indication of our real true self.

5. People who don’t keep their word
Do not deserve our word either and my serious attention. You should know better than me all about not keeping your word, eh? I don't feel guilt ridden, I'm merely responding to a way you expect to see. Does makes me a bad person but doesn't makes me not a good person either. You chose it in not keeping your word.

6. Weak coffee
Some day in the future when technology catches up I'll be drinking pure caffeine to keep me on top minus the teeth browning breath affecting coffee. Never liked it but it works.

7. People who cough/sneeze in your face
Deserve a slap that needs no verbal justification of any sort

8. Habitual late-comers
Late once okay, late twice okaaay, late trice hard to believe. Less likely it's a string of unfortunate events, more likely to be in your dna.

9. Braggarts
Meh.

10. Wet shoes
Is fun. Enjoy the moment while your still in. Drying the shoes is harder haha

Another 9999 more and I'll be the perfect person in society's eye.

Gottatata go out now bye.

Friday, July 16, 2010

One Hard Suddenly Thing Makes Everything Else Easy?

Someone should tell me how to overcome a mental blockage.

I've this one really sibeh troublesome teacher who's teaching me this one module which I think I naturally find hard to cope because of it's learning nature.

Believe me, troublesome is accurate representation of what it really is. Troublesome.

I have this assignment to which I'm finding it hard to do and the reason so as I've realised today is quite a twisted logic. The subject isn't difficult, the learning associated to it is. The teacher who's only 3 weeks and 4 lessons according to the study plan have done quite enough to merit a special highlight from me.

To the teacher I'm maybe doesn't exist but to me the teacher is one of those tricky person who needs double eyes over. We are all students studying for our degree but according to me, all this is necessary as it is actually still part of learning.

Learning to handle difficult situation. More accurately, learning to handle normal situation made difficult by difficult people.

And as they say, keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer.

So troublesome it is.

In trying to see clearly through the situation I've identified the fact. The fact that it is all just in the mind; a mental blockage. An invisible barrier between me and success in the form of the teacher. Whatever happens, come end of the day I will still need to overcome this problem.

I don't know how yet and I'm still working on it.

All of the above also had me thinking of some other typical das-connection moments.

In being able to tackle this problem faced I've actually succeeded in the test of learning. I'm one of those few who believe (now you know) that going to school is all about learning how to learn. Success in that usually means good results and lack of success in that usually means "You're not really a good student". In general people tend to think this refers to "study not enough" or "never study". True, but not really true.

That is really relative. It depends on the person efficiency at absorbing knowledge or at a more serious level, grinding out the grades. Growing up I've always been told I'm lazy, lousy, not hardworking enough, study not long enough, study not enough but that is all bullshit. It is most likely so because I have an elder sister whos study method goes by this formula

R = Te

R is Result, T is Time and e is efficiency.

where the big T more than makes up for the small e.

I on the other hand, being myself who's not a studious person back then by nature had inevitably morphed under the pressure to a person who is

R = tE

the result, R is still lesser than hers but I dare say now, that I always knew, one day it will come back to haunt her. Where when time is limited, the Result is affected. I stand by this believe on it being one of the reasons why she didn't live up her high expectations in uni.

So back to the main point.

In life we go great length to improve on this noble e. Time is has and always will be a constant hence the only, this.

A friend one told me going to uni is different from working because by going to uni regardless on our actual results we are there to learn. Learn, mature and better our thinking. Very true even till this day. This is the reason why if we go back to primary school we can beat the education system hands down- we have passed that stage of learning.

What a 10 year old takes 1 year to learn some can achieve it in 1 month or 1 week.

That is the truth, not because relearning something we already learned is easier because we have extra knowledge advantage, not only that, but because we know how to learn more in less time. Efficiency. Just ask a masters or PhD holder to take a diploma totally new to him. Odds are.. well, you know. It's not odds anymore, eh?

To be able to sit down for hours, to be able to put desire of entertainment aside for a greater cause, to be able to write good notes in lectures. It's not God-given talent, it's the result of long hours of less efficient effort.

To identify the importance of efficiency as soon as possible, work on it and succeed in achieving it is more like God-given talent.

The talent to think.

Overthinking is hazardous, not thinking outside our everyday routine is no different from an ant. When the ant gets instruction to go and bring back a food, they think on how to do that. Even ants think. We are not ants, we are human, we are more than that.

But for now, I've got another half a day to break the mental blockage and finish the assignment.

It's always more than it seems. One hard thing is all we need to up our standards that's all.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Type Mismatch


the tide of change

Sometimes I still wonder if we had a chance to let live, it would be a wonderful love story.

Like an unborn child, all it ever had was just blank hopes of almost seeing the world.

Solitude is Impractical but Society is Fatal.

In relation to some things I thought I write it out-

Good guys finish last.

It's true.

But it only works for some people not everyone.

The way I see things, if you can't repair it then destroy it. If I can't have it, no one should. It doesn't makes sense to me to exist only as a second best to others, not from my point of view.

Yes it's true an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, that's why you shouldn't support eye for an eye. One eye is better than twos.

I help one moment, I ignore help the next moment. Some do it by circumstances, I do it by choice. There's never any real need to justify everything we do if we really believe in it.

People like me are both such an asset and a nuisance to the world, it's a wonder we exist.

On the side note, I think a part inside of me have died the moment I accept the believe that love is stupid. I am society.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Would You Join Me and Embark in A Journey To Rekindle Our Childhood?

To someone.

I do have the reason but I don't have the time to write.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

All Our Wants is Actually Here

Everything we do, we accept and allow to happen, the way we respond to it, it's all our choice. Deciding our reaction to everything is from the mind, and it's the reason why the mind is the reason for everything around us.

Things comes to us by chance/outside factor, the way we react to it personalizes it to become "ours". Like in "my history, my house, my family, my friends, my childhood, my future, my body, my bank account" is "fun/rich/big/small/slow etc".

I believe whatever we want can be achieved, it's just a matter of how badly do we want it, to what extend we'll go to get it.

Which is why I feel, my life's greatest opponent is myself. Conquering my natural mindset and emotions, fail to do it and we become predictable, second best and taken advantage of, succeed in doing so and the doors to everything else in life will unlock itself.

I think I make a better robot than being human.

Friday, July 9, 2010

To Give Forgiveness A Chance

I think as human beings we all deserve to give forgiveness a chance. Give ourselves a chance to forgive.

I was telling my brother that day a ugly reality, that people makes mistakes and we choose to forgive them. But they never appreciate/learn/understand and keep doing it over and over infinitely. It's like part of them to already be this way, to keep on making the same painful action and we, we tell ourselves to keep on forgiving them.

The ugly truth is that over time this hurt and forgive cycle will make us something far more worse, of multiple times our trust be betrayed/shamed/let down. Eventually we'll become something that don't truly forgive already. That's the danger we all know too well.

Which is why again, when time heals we should give forgiveness a chance. But still, not to that kind of case as above.

Easier said than done, how hard can it be right?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Mesmerized

Untitled from Victor Del Toro on Vimeo.


Seriously, who are you?

Monday, July 5, 2010

A Love Story

By the time you're done reading this you'll be touched in a some way.

If not,well, then there's something wrong with you as a human.

I've been waiting for this answer since a very long time.


I had a dream this afternoon. Before I dozed off, I was trying very hard to sort out the KLIUC shit timetable. They've readjusted most timing and a few core modules have extra hours which means, big time clash of timeslot. I couldn't afford to delay most, I could try to bend their rules to make my things fit and ultimately it's all about advance planning my whole course timetable for 4 semesters. Being deprived of sleep too, it basically mean it's gonna be one thing: headache.

I gave up halfway when my brain is clearly clogged and my eyes half open, lied down on my bed and dozed off.

I had a rare dream. They say we only dream when we have extra unspent energy from the day. Maybe true. I had a theory once during a dreaming spree, that we dream when we are real deep sleep, from an exhausting day. Maybe true too. My latest theory now is that dreaming pulls the rare minor details the mind seen lately.

Like how that new guy asked me my height and I said 183( I was thinking 183+++ but not 184) yesterday.

Like how despite Singapore being so densely populated, it doesn't mean with more people there's higher chance to find the right one. No, no.

Like how I'm inferior to the environment around me, a handicap I'm in in choosing to return to Malaysia to study despite the reality that I have forgotten how to mix with my fellow Malaysians already.

My Dream:

In my dream I was at a faraway but strangely familiar land, like all dream goes. Wheat fields and modest people away from all these technology madness. A nice house and the normal rules of respecting the senior and superiors. A small population of people who like the dream, didn't have a purpose to exist yet still did, many of which are middle aged aunties.

I am different from everyone from the dream in a way I knew I felt but couldn't explain. It was like, I could be my true self and the world would still revolve around me. I carried myself doing the normal things normal people do, and at one point felt what normal people feel when they are in their normal everyday situation: tensed and nervous from a something wrong I hoped wouldn't happen.

I was walking along the corner of an empty hall and as I turned out through a side door against the background of limitless yellow waiving wheat fields stood a tall girl in white dress in front of me. I couldn't remember how she looked like but I knew the was someone very special to me in a unexplainable way.

She is 184cm tall. It is the first time I've found a person I like who's my height, and I didn't need to look down to, literally. She had a pretty, sincere, innocent yet mature face and I knew this is the kind of person everyone waits a lifetime for.

I went up to her and eye to eye, despite the short time we've seen each other, we both knew a feeling of pulling and belonging, and we both knew it's mutual. After a short pause I asked her "Could I hug you" and we hugged. Under her decorated white dress I could feel her body's size and weight, and even that detail I knew was the one I seek in my perfect one.

If anybody she is it. She just is it.

My face facing her back and hers at mine, she whispered in a soft sweetest voice this:

"I've been waiting for you, long.."

Initially I thought she had a mistaken identity because I'm quite sure I've never seen her before, and tagged along while considering myself lucky me.

"After all why would a living angel like her want someone inferior like me?"

But then gradually when emotions mixed and time doesn't exist when we're hugging, I realised that maybe this is one of those complex things in life which is a lot more than what it seems. Maybe we are meant to be together and the universal power had brought us to meet together, here. We'd just met barely a minute ago, I don't know where she come from and maybe she's a spirit too, but this feels just too right to not be true. Whatever the past, I would leave it behind to be together with her.

My hands wrapped around her slim but not skinny body I felt a feeling of warm sense of belonging. A sense of belonging one relate to his country as patriotism, but mine's to a person- her. It's love. Love is blind, I don't know what it is but I know this is it.

Like everything in life have been accomplished, like every flaw have been erased. Like having wings and flying to a new dimension before this never knew existed- the sky. Open doors to endless possibilities and we can conquer all of them one by one with our new found strength in each other.


...

I then woke up.

When I wanted Fiona I believed that she is perfect, when I finally let go of her I want to believe that there is someone more perfect than her, but I just didn't know where, what, who. It never existed.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Being excellent students as we all are, it becomes a matter of time before it becomes obvious that reality and mathematics are one. The part where statistics appears in everything in my everyday life. And I'm not saying I've turned into a geek either.

It seems it's human nature to appreciate things more when they are in less. The ordinary thing looks special when they are few of them.

Was telling a friend how in this uni the lack of(absence actually) pretty girls is so real that even the decent ones looks so special. We laughed it off, of course, because I'm here to study not to.. Haha.

Anyway, I realised another thing. I've been spending and wasting too much time on people I want to be around, in a perfect world. In reality I'm just near to nothing from their eyes yet I stay close to them. Pathetic really.

That's been happening for ages because I'm always on the move and my friends always come and go. In statistical terms, the subject group is very small to start with, and as mentioned above because of it the simple things looks better than they actually are.

When the going gets tough I soften and they look great, but when things are good it becomes clear. Keep telling myself stay away from this self destruction fact but I can't. Shit.

Shit friendship with shit people looks savable from my hopeful eyes. Maybe they are not shit, maybe I'm shit, maybe I'm not shit, maybe it's just culture/background/chemistry, whichever it is what it is.

I'm gonna cut ties with those like that. Fiona is not one of them(not because I like her but) because she's different. Compassion is her middle name.

But for now, less talk more action.

How could I have been blind all this while. I might still be. We all are.