Sunday, June 13, 2010

to Fiona.

It took me some time and I'm seeing things clearer.

Yes, I like you alot once upon a time. Despite haven't barely know you in person.

Perhaps under the circumstances surrounding me then the outcome was only going to be that when you came into my life,to fall for you so badly, but it too isn't a valid excuse.

The reason I think behind my own demise is after some time of being love deprived, and physical imperfection, I met you. For a start you caught my eye as the person which ticks all my wants in a partner, and I got carried away in this lucky find.

In a reality of your physical absence I've filled up the gaps meant for chemistry only obtained from physical interaction with my own hopes. Gap-py facts filled with hopes. Little facts and alot of hopes. That was where it all started. The person I would have seen you as had I know you in person and the person I thought I knew you as based on my filled-with-hopes perception is worlds apart. Worlds's worlds apart.

In reality you might have been different who knows, but in that hopeful make believe world, you became the perfect person in my eyes. So perfect that I knew I would never find another one like you, though it is all just wrong. You perhaps are nothing near that, that I would never know.

The thought of you triggers the perfect memories and hopes of when found the perfect person, and in the boring world of work I kept myself entertained by it. A simple sms by you was interprated into a thing of a fantasy.

When reality eventually collide with my fantasy, I woke up.

I tried to forget you and I did quite well imo for some time, but in telling you that (as i mentioned to you you're my softspot) I grew weak again. I feel back to my old ways again. In a time when I was half asleep I saw your sms and my subconcious mind interperated to a thing it wanted to hear.

I said something I wouldn't say had i been in my conscious mind, something I regretted. I failed myself again. You really are my softspot.

I don't want to contact you again. I'll kill all the memories. Perhaps I'll ask for a coma. Whichever.

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