Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hope: Sticks Like Glue, Goes Like The Wind

Hope is a very powerful thing.

(My belief reinforced at the super strongest when I happen to read this book by chance)



Man's Search For Meaning - Introduction to Logotheraphy -
a book about the author surviving Auschwitz almost solely on hope


After everything I've seen, tried and done, all I've got to say is Hope really is a strong thing.

To give hope to someone is something which cost nothing yet have the ability to change the future for real.

To give hope to someone cost nothing in economic terms but is something everyone turn to when they themselves are down. Something which cost nothing but only works with sincerity, something I'm sure many would pay for when in need. It's just that when in need, many overlook hope because of it's unreliability, yet when one found it came out of the sudden.

Hope to me is something which can make or break a person. A booster to performance. Give someone hope and they can survive where not expected. Take away someones hope and you'll kill them, literally. A slow agonizing painful inevitable death.

Like taking out their pillars of support, their bones from within their body. The act unnoticable the results unmissable.

In my case I always have real hopes to all those around me. To not mess up their life, to not waste their potentials, to not disappoint themselves. This is not expectations to live up to, this is support to you there. I didn't asked for it, but I realised it's just part of my natural personality, an optimist.

But even optimist aren't spared from the cruelty of the world. They say, Optimist + Pessimist = Realist. If realist is real then I'm not.

In trying to give hope to others but being rejected and declined repeatedly, I become human too.

Giving up hope is like consenting their death warrant, a defeat to the cruelness of fate, allowing them to fall and succumb to the difficulties of life, of reaching a point there's no returning.

It's very hard for me to digest a defeat in helping others with hope, and the only way I know how to react is by avoiding them for good. Painful but practical for survival.

There is almost no difference in losing hope but staying in touch with a living person from a dead. We just don't really care about for, right?

I really hope I can find a way to help her.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Born imperfect okay, but don't die imperfect.

One of the hardest mysteries to me in life is about truly understand our own personality.

I'm not referring about the basic adjectives used to describe words like hardworking, introverted, friendly, rude. Those are child's play.

I'm referring about the answers to all the whys we choose to do what we choose to do which makes us, us. Like in a scenario when we see a person we want to talk to but can't, the action we take from the decisions we've made, that is unique. No one is ever alike. That's what makes personality.

For me I'm the kind which prefers to build my foundations right first before exploring more outside. They are many who runs so smoothly with life like on grease, so parallel up til the point when life shuts in front of their face, and they find themselves stuck for dead. I'll be the last if that were to happen.

I have many beliefs(not religion but principles) and this is one of them. To move forward with a solid, reliable foundation behind.

Just like in choosing friends, I've different categories for everyone. I make friends on and off but all while having a network of close friends who are always on. Just in the case of a rainy day, I know I won't fall; they are my parachute, my safety net.

I believe that before one can conquer his world, he must first conquer the true self in him. That means knowing well what's his strength and weaknesses, abilities and limitations, and know well how he functions through and through. I find myself when asked to explain a decision I make, I just can't, because I just don't know.

The faith and trust I have in myself is what made the decision what it is, but how did it come to there I don't quite know. Yet. As of now I'm at that stage where like in Maths the results is there but the working isn't. I'm working on that.

And almost all the time the decisions I make is the best that I've no regrets of. Yes, it is all just a state of my mind but as mentioned, the working is absent but the result real.

I was showering today in the hostel's bathroom 1am in the morning, and the sight of these foreign moldy walls makes me laugh. I don't know how I'd ended up here living this part of life but I do know it's all just a temporary lesson to learn. To learn the lesson, and move on, one step at a time.

A thought ran through my mind. We can't be blame if we are born imperfect, but we are to blame if we die imperfect. Putting aside premature death, before our time's up everyone ought to have conquered the self in them, and by saying so I mean be the perfect ones in our mind. The one which we see ourselves as no limitations, no holding backs, no cannots. Free.

Free to go, free to live even more so.

Till then, don't stop.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Things are always not what it seems

We're having dinner as a family (minus the sister of course,cos she's at US) at what's becoming our formal family dinner eating place last week, when in the midst of vocal nothingness my brother having notice a little something special from this growing trend of eating there.

Leonard: [ of suddenly seeing a beautiful sky littered with glowing stars of a dark night as the background of our peaceful family dinner at that place, asks out of the blues- ]

Ma, what do you enjoy doing in life?


Mom: Hm.. -after a short pause- .. I like to go on holiday! I'm looking forward to New Year we all going on holiday to lalalala.. holiday.. holiday holiday lalala.

Leonard: Oh okay..

and so on.


And I was thinking all along how that's one hell of a professional lie.

As professional lie from her committed from the professional hat of a mother. He didn't notice maybe, but I couldn't not notice either.

Seriously speaking, if Leonard's question is to be taken seriously, than that answer would be considered by most standards really shallow, no? Never mind that.

If anybody would know the true extension of her mind, I reckon I'm the best bet.

Of course she loves holidaying and a break from her routine of going to office. Of course the green waters beside the forest of which a semi wooden chalet stand on piles suspends above it is hard to resist even for me, but all that comes second to one thing she's been working on since forever.

Humble as she is, she's a woman with always a plan.

Her one and only major project, of the past the future and the ongoing-ness of now, perhaps the top reason she can keep leaving for work before sun rise and coming back only after sunset for the past long long time.

Us.

The children. Of providing them proper education. Of educating them, of getting them educated with what's best she can. Even if it means sparing a few change for this cause every time she spend, even if it means scrubbing the new hostel room clean for me. Even if it means putting her holidays second to this.

I'm now living in a hostel, studying at a uni with peace in the course I want. It's normal to be tempted to think Life's easy, because it really is, for all price have been paid for already.

My sister is an excellent student in high school, continued her studies in Singapore's prestigious NTU, and now is halfway across the globe at the US. I've obtained a diploma in the course I love from Singapore and am going steady for the next few years, and my brother haven't even started his journey yet.

I don't believe this but maybe great kids are made by great parents after all.

And it all passed my brother in a chance it never got to exist, because of a professional lie. A lie only one a mother would make and feel better about, a lie about a matter which actually never really existed, eh?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Music. It's actually really rocket science.

Music to me is a mysterious art of the living. In principle it's a sound wave and upon entering our system we hear what others have recorded some time before. However to me music is so much deeper than that; to an extend I don't fully know and can't fully explain it's true nature of definition to me.

There is two parts to it.

Music in a way functions as a background by-default playing entity at the back of my mind. It keeps my mind constantly occupied and hence not wondering about more complicated matters which is actually very mentally draining. In a way it is like a medicine to help keep the self destruction of over working myself at bay.

The right kind of music too provides a healing kind of feeling which relaxes my mind, perhaps in a manner explained above. Despite the general acceptance that music is noise when one's trying to sleep, I enjoy falling asleep with my headphones shoving clear music into my mind.

To me, for the musics I hear, each and every one is a story which tells a story of its on. Some are made that way by the artist conveying a message but others like trance too tells a story in their own ways, though not in any lingual manner.

The story behind each song is totally individualistic; it's up to the listener to understand it in their own ways. Just like art, the beauty is only in the eyes of the beholder.

That's my general definition of what my music means to me.

The second part I've noticed about music is that is also works as a canvas for a person to paint his memories in. Like a thick childhood photo album of the past combined with a emotion capturing technology of the future. Like a blank tape on record mode, it has the ability to record our emotions and capture it as long as we remember it.

Hearing a particular song over a event/period when we have emotions running in us, sometimes that emotions will be captured in the song. Emotions like love, freedom, relaxation, tranquility, frenzy, calmness or just numbness, I find past emotions of mine captured in certain songs.

In staying at home in my original house I managed to listen to my collections of songs from my own computer ( which I've parted with for some many months while in Singapore) and almost all brings back memories of past events and the emotions attached to it.

Every song I hear I'm tempted to share with the world how a particular phrase/line/chorus strikes me as brilliant, but putting things in perspective no one else would understand the true depth of how it means to me.

The world just don't understand how good it's means to me.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Take a Bow



Take some time out, take a step back and go on and take a bow

Thursday, June 24, 2010

This is how it feels to have your son ignore you.

I've been thinking about her again lately. When I sleep and found peace in myself she appears. Really want to work it out again but after everything I've put her through I think it's, trouble, I've caused.

The only thing I've caused is trouble and more trouble, she being perfect in my eyes is also me being the opposite in hers. The most useful I can be is by not being troublesome.



You Are the Only Exception - Paramore

Seeing pictures of her smile touches me so deep, the best way I feel in being dedicated and care for her is to leave her alone, disappear and fade from her eyes.

Leaving her alone is the best thing I do for her, at my own cost. Sacrifice.

You are the only exception.

Monday, June 14, 2010

There is a greater power we have yet understand.

I had this really weird dream last night. In it was those tiny small flying irritating beetles that comes and visit the house at night. I haven't seen them for years and infact I've forgotten about their existence from my childhood days. Then out of nowhere they reappeared in a dream.

I even remembered the minor detail of having whitish flesh come out when i squash them flat. Yes, disgusting.

And today. Was in my living room watching tv when suddenly a beetle flew in and was flying around the room. I'm only normal to respond " WTF is wrong with the moment?!"

Dumb beetle. You deserve to get squash. Then I remembered about the dream last night. Maybe a deceased soul? Nah. I don't believe.

Coincidence? Luck? A greater power? Mystery of creation and the universe?

I don't know but it's really weird. If deja vu is unexplainable and weird this is the square of that. Maybe even cube.

Everything's Already Here, It's Just A Matter of Finding It

Today I had some free time and I went to Vivocity to enjoy the view. Sitting at the wooden rooftop overlooking Sentosa Island, I felt a rare degree of greatness and pleasure in living life.

Prior to being there I had changed destinations a couple of times, and that means switching trains/directions numerous times too. Wanted to go somewhere, didn't know where but in the end I still did found the place I knew I wanted to be.

No, I do not have Jeslynn by my side now unlike that one time long ago but the otherwise almost identical environment- the wooden floor, the metal grilling and glass window, the cloudy blue sky, the water and the green island - still gave me a wonderful though temporary dose of peace and assurance of the good things in life I have yet seen or known.

If there's one place I'll miss of Singapore, it most likely will be there.

I dozed on and off as I sat and leaned on the glass window. Lovely.

The last time Jeslynn was there with me I was too occupied thinking about her that I never really enjoyed the moment. Now without her, I see things clearer.

Girls I fancy is one of my greatest weaknesses.

Life minus fancying girls I can't get is more enjoyable.

Cheers. Get well soon Sara.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's All Part of the Plan.

After soccer today three of us - Ara Julian and I - was discussing where to have dinner. Guys being guys like us, we all have our own criteria and made it be known.

Jordan wants a nearby place because he dislikes traveling unnecessarily. Julian was on a tight budget. Ara wanted somewhere Gaylang area(not because of the you know, but because of the other you know. His house is there)

Eventually we decided on a place and as Ara and I was on the bus there (Julian biked there), I asked him a question. Which is actually more like sharing a opinion.

Jordan: Julian shouldn't have bought his motorcycle if he really understood the situation he was in.

Ara: Why you say that?

Jordan: Well because when we were discussing it's obvious price was a matter for him. As for me I am fine provided I don't need to travel long home. Had we gone to Balestial it would be 30 extra minutes traveling home. I don't like that.

I suggested going to somewhere nearby my house which was cheap.

Jordan : Put in another way, at most the difference in price for food is just 2 dollars? And for me it means an extra half an hour. That means my half an hour is worth 2 dollars yeah.

I don't know how Julian values his money but I value my half an hour more than just 2 dollars. I'm leaving soon and my time is my most valuable thing right now.

It has always been since one month ago when I knew I would miss part of my orientation because of work. Time is something I can plan to work out but cannot manipulate like magic.

Ara's response: Oh that's sharp.

Nice. I then remembered he do not follow the stuff I write on my blog hence not seeing the other side of me. Like at my office, I always on my stupid, innocent looks.

It keeps things sweet and simple, and they always stand up for me and still be respected. It is not trickery or cunningness, it's just understanding the nature of perception.

to Fiona.

It took me some time and I'm seeing things clearer.

Yes, I like you alot once upon a time. Despite haven't barely know you in person.

Perhaps under the circumstances surrounding me then the outcome was only going to be that when you came into my life,to fall for you so badly, but it too isn't a valid excuse.

The reason I think behind my own demise is after some time of being love deprived, and physical imperfection, I met you. For a start you caught my eye as the person which ticks all my wants in a partner, and I got carried away in this lucky find.

In a reality of your physical absence I've filled up the gaps meant for chemistry only obtained from physical interaction with my own hopes. Gap-py facts filled with hopes. Little facts and alot of hopes. That was where it all started. The person I would have seen you as had I know you in person and the person I thought I knew you as based on my filled-with-hopes perception is worlds apart. Worlds's worlds apart.

In reality you might have been different who knows, but in that hopeful make believe world, you became the perfect person in my eyes. So perfect that I knew I would never find another one like you, though it is all just wrong. You perhaps are nothing near that, that I would never know.

The thought of you triggers the perfect memories and hopes of when found the perfect person, and in the boring world of work I kept myself entertained by it. A simple sms by you was interprated into a thing of a fantasy.

When reality eventually collide with my fantasy, I woke up.

I tried to forget you and I did quite well imo for some time, but in telling you that (as i mentioned to you you're my softspot) I grew weak again. I feel back to my old ways again. In a time when I was half asleep I saw your sms and my subconcious mind interperated to a thing it wanted to hear.

I said something I wouldn't say had i been in my conscious mind, something I regretted. I failed myself again. You really are my softspot.

I don't want to contact you again. I'll kill all the memories. Perhaps I'll ask for a coma. Whichever.

Life is All just a Formula Waiting to be Decoded.

Sometimes I feel that I'm getting too old for this thing called learning about living life.

It's all normal, too normal, not predictable though easily anticipated, till at times I feel like I just want to stop playing this game.

No, this is not a suicide note or what, it's just a random thought typed out to be shared. Though it's quite funny to think people end their life because of problems, and ironically the lack of it seems to force me to mention that.

I got that feeling again last night, a feeling that seems to be appearing more and more often in recent times.

Despite all the break from routine changes at work- moving office- which means packing office, moving stuff and vacating it, spending the whole weekend for this cause, not being able to work as per normal on Saturday because of that, hence needing to rush Saturday's workload on Friday as OT(crazy), plus watching World Cup opening match(obligated, really), sleeping over in a messy semi vacated office overnight, messaging fiona again and sending her things I regretted, waking up bla bla bla, work la la.

All is my first time in many ways but it no longer excites me already. There was a time when different new things can keep me occupied by being excited for a period of time, nowadays I've been better at decoding out the formula on how that works.

Uptill a stage where I no longer need a "new thing" to occupy my mind with. The new thing has become a constant and like all formulas it is the easiest understood kind of the relationship in that formula, and I have somewhat skipped the whole constant thing. I no longer need to find a new thing to occupy- my - mind. The variables in the formula is what I only concentrate on seeing.

And without any constant/new things, I need not wait for new adventures to come knocking into my life. I can figure it out, the variables and its relationship in the formula free from constants, without outside reliance.

It is just a matter of time before its code gets broken too. When it does, it no longer merits any attention of thought of mine. Then, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live. I get bored.

P/s: If you still don't get what I mean by "constant" in life, here's an example.

1. Monday: Jordan goes to work by train and bus and reach late 2 minutes.

2. Tuedsay: Jordan goes to work by train and bus, saw a girl and got distracted, and reach late by 10 minutes.

3. Wednesday: Jordan goes to work by train and bus, saw a cat, played with it and got clawed, reach work and was late by 1 minute.

The constants here refers to method of transportation and my famous lateness among others. Which if canceled out and ignored can be mentioned as-

1. Jordan (add verb: go) (add conjunction: to) (add place: work) and (add unknown event: girl/cat).

Told in a variable focusing way:

Jordan in going to work sometimes get distracted along the way.

That perfectly sum up what both the girl and the cat have in common- are distractions. Observe. Come up with a hypothesis formula. Identify the common things and factor them out, shorten the formula, and finally break the code.

This is becoming a science/psychology lecture.

In a routine life we can forget about the constants and examine the connections between the variables to predict the outcome when something(the constant) enters our life in the future.

End.

Pss: By now you should have seen enough of another side of me- the side where my brother say I talk a lot of rubbish. Possibly true.

If Life is like a Game of Pool

Then I would say my life is pretty fucked up.

Playing pool with two friends by a rotation concept gives everyone alot of waiting time (when not playing) and to me, time to think,examine and troubleshoot aspects of things.

Like why I always don't seem to be good enough on the pool table than I believe my mind say.

Like how complacency seems to be my no.1 enemy all the the time; it's the reason I can't live up to my potentials.

And like how despite playing round after round after round and end up being disappointed all the time, despite making vows to CHANGE NOW with a new game plan, I always seem to be back to same point over and over again. No matter what the plan is the result always seem to be the same. I'm just so consistently consistent at easily influenced by emotions in mind and thus, form in performance. It's always shit.

If life was a game of pool I would know better why and how it's fucked up like me.

Thing is, life isn't a game of pool.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Opinion-elated

I've came up with a new word to describe quite what I am now.

Opinionelated

Which is obviously combined from opinion and +lated.

I just keep on thinking of alot of stuff throughout the whole day, but by the time I reach home I'm drain and my mind's blank.

I should be asleep about.. now.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Write Sweet Memories Around Me

I think people that give me a chance to be in their life have only made the right choice because we seem to be always writing sweet memories together, as a friend, as a group of friends.

After soccer today when the sky was dark my senior colleague+friend shouted out loud to everyone in panic- MY CARKEYS ARE MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSINGG

*die lo..

My handphone wallet jeans shirt shoes bag cloths all in his boot. My other two friends belongings too. A motorcycle keys inside, helmet, passport, housekeys. Basically everything beside the human itself.

For a moment being without my 4 personal belongings- wallet(money and ID), handphone(communication to the world), music player(heartbeat) and my keys(hope of comfort), I felt so naked. So so naked. Just like a naked person, only more naked. Like a monkey, a primate. I am no different from a freaking monkey!

Yeah. Am home now thankfully.

Was thinking throughout "if i hadn't kicked that ball that way/if I hadn't pass it to him/if I hadn't bugged them to go faster/if i hadn't tackle,pushed and shove the player",".. the key might not have gone missing."

Well, I wrote the future that lead to the present too after all, eh?

I'm so loving life. I want to believe I write sweet memories with those around me.

Hang around me, understand my mentality and then you'll understand me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Little Things That Means Alot

I had the chance to put practice into one of my many beliefs today.

Working in a construction company, I work hand in hand with the legendary foreign workers from India and neighbours. There exist a discrimination against them because of their status, their nationality, their backward mentality and ultimately, their race.

But despite sometimes finding myself looking down at them myself, I actually believe that at the end of the day they are all still humans just like us. The only difference in them being born into a life they didn't choose is, their background. A background from many eyes alone is enough to look down of them.

It's a life they didn't choose which perhaps too have alot of space for improvement and hopeful future. Can we really blame them for their mentality, their style, their language, their skin colour and smell, their faces, their tiny salary, if we say it is not only the background to be blamed? I don't think so.

Today in the evening after I had cleared all my work and was free to go home, my workers were in the office moving out some heavy bulky equipments from the store room, to bring it over to our new office. We are changing office, yeah. In the company's eyes, we Chinese office staff are quite like in a different league from them the indian workers.

Whenever there's some dirty manual work to be done like to move stuff or whatever, they will call the indian workers. That I've got not comments, because they are paid to work after all. What that catches my attention is how when they are working this special task, all the workers are treated evenly.

The senior works and the new workers, the old and the young workers, the team head and the assistants, they all are no different from one another when it comes to carrying the heavy wire or pushing the cart.

In my opinion that shows exactly how living in a world without differentiation by status and background would be like. Only thing is, while they work they'll be a Chinese office worker to stand there and instruct them while keeping his hands as bacteria free as possible.

If you were to lead, lead by example. If you want respect, lead by example. If you don't think you need anyone's respect, maybe you don't, but you are still better off having other's respect and that too is obtained by leading by example.

I know they are just Indian workers and blablalalala but we are all still humans. Like meat,we are all meat, just different kinds of meat with different value and demand. I can show you 100 ways to lose a person's respect in the time you take to show me a way to truly gain a person's respect, maybe. It's a fragile thing, it is not won but it can be lost, it is gained.

Today, today today todayyyy, I saw my Indian workers push the heavy load of equipments. After a long days work outside it would have been really tiring for them.I went and help them out by actually being an extra man to count for, being totally indifferent from them.

My colleagues were looking at me but I was so lost in that moment of excitement I barely noticed too. At one point while we were all in the lift there was a great sense of awkwardness in the air around us.

Everyone was thinking of the same thing, that why would a easy life office person like me bother to help them. They asked, and I said something like (in simple practical english) "We all same same, you man I man also, right?" They were surprised I guess.

I even let them order me around, some would say powerplay, but I see as suggesting a suggestion for the bettergood of getting the entire task done in the least costly way. If we all have a sincere intention and share a common aim of going home faster, I wouldn't mind being second best for the collective sake of everyone. Powerplay it is too, which is okay provided it is a both way interaction.

In the end my senior colleague after watching in amazement of my actions, came and help out too a little too. Haha.

I had put practice into something I believe in, and it's in the simple sense of achievement like this which gives special meanings in my life, of which I take great pleasure from.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How did you spend last Saturday?

If you happen to be outside of Tanjung Pagar MRT station (or as a matter of fact anywhere 500km around there) you mighT notice this super bloody big tall structure somewhere there.

It climbs 50 stories and 2 gardens skywards and is somewhat shaped as an ass.



As in seriously.


This is the Pinnacle @ Duxton.

It is supposedly the biggest and tallest HDB building in Singapore, with a modern touch of class. Yes, is HDB. Not quite your normal old red block/lego block/pigeon house building, eh.

Anyway I've first heard of this massive project in 2006 when I was in my first year in Singapore Polytechnic. We were having a site visit by private bus to god-knows-where and back then I remembered it was just all a pile of oranje mud, foreign workers and well, foundation piles.

I remember wondering, imagining then, what it would look like from the artist impression multiplied with a dose of reality in the gigantic size of the construction site. I just couldn't imagine it. I vowed to myself one day I'll come back to visit it again.

That was 4 years ago.



Last Saturday I was at Somerset MRT station waiting for my dearest classmate and friend Lina who wanted to meet up once more before I leave Singapore and as I waited for her someone unexpected approached me.

It was no other than my old clique mate/exam cheatmate Geoshua.


( no I didn't cheat I just watched him cheat.)


( Really)

He so fucking happen to be at the same location at the same time as me and as amazing as it is, it's true. He too happen to be waiting for Jon, another friend of ours who too is also my cliquematecheatmate. (they cheated together not me).

And this isn't the first time, about a year ago I too was with Lina walking to Marina Square when we came across him waiting for someone else. Perhaps he is born to be a waiter or something.

The four hung out together and did crazy things in such short time, while I was feeling all along that time have been rewinded for us. Like God or the greater power or whatever has seen it coming and have been waiting for it all along.

Jon suggested going to his new house in the evening and I was abit reluctant but eventually complied. Having thought nothing of it "it's just some stupid condo somewhere" and having nothing to talk in the cab in a rare moment of nothingness, I asked him out of the blues "where do you stay?"

He said:

" Pinnacles @ Duxton "


Life blasted into (more) life from that moment onwards.

Unbelievable. Totally unbelievable. Such coincidence.

For the record, I have totally forgotten about that vow I made uptill I was remembered about it, and the timing couldn't be more perfect. Sara have been asking me Where else have you not go for the past week and I really conceded the fact that I've seen and conquered the whole Singapore. I was wrong, but thankfully there is this.

Every other Saturdays I prepare myself for something big but never happen but then one day when I'm just tagging along with life, it came knocking on my door. It found me. Life never cease to interest me.

Also, it kinda shows that when we keep something we really want in mind long enough it will eventually come true. We won't know "How" yet for now but with a "Why" it's just a matter of time.

As for them, after meeting up at mrt we went to some mall and hang around, window shopped around, ate KFC like in poly and talk shit, bought movie tickets, went to Jon's house, called pizzas and watch a movie before rushing to Cathays to watch another movie, then played pool at Parklane. By the time I came home it's 4am; 12 fucking hours straight of living a part of rewinded time, reliving a memory.

The Game of Love

Guy likes girl and girl likes guy back. But guy isn't really true and when he lost interest he left her. She is in a mess, she picked herself up dead but not gone. She condemns all guys from then onwards.

Girl being herself attracts another guy which really likes her, she tags along but eventually she left, and left him in a mess himself. He picks himself up, dead but not gone, and condemns all girls from then on.

In the process of liking that girl guy broke up and his girlfriend is left in a mess. Dead but not gone. She didn't knew what hit her but picked herself up too and condemns all guys from then on.

And then you met her and wonders "What's her problem, what's wrong with that girl why is she treating me like that, am I really that bad?" No you're not, you're just a victim, fucked by the situation.

It's all just part of the game of love.

Monday, June 7, 2010

My List of Dreams

P/s: Might be a little long.

. . .

I have in me a list of goals/dreams in this life I want to accomplish.

This list is of course subjected to changes with time like every other thing and hence, it should be better known as "List of Goals/Dreams when Jordan was 21" or something like that.

Just if you're curious, I am writing this down because Ivan tempted me to share it out. Fine. Have it your way.

No, actually I always wanted to do it but lacked that final spark, the one motive to type it out every time, until he initiated it.

Before I type it out I need to make clear my belief,definition and basic concept in judgement of what's right and wrong in deciding the code I function my life upon.

1. Money is not everything. It is definitely something but not everything.
2. Time is only valuable if appreciated.
3. It's not the quantity which defines the quality, it is all just perception.
4. There is always a third choice in comparisom of things.
Not rich may not be poor, poor may not be rich either.

There's that middleground people miss out in pursue for more.

5. The true purpose of life is(?) for us to find out; we don't know it yet and that's what keeps up waking up every morning. To find a reason. Most of the time to most people when that reason is found life becomes less interesting?

6. And lastly for now, to enjoy life is to be able to stop comparing/connecting/influenced by others and start being ourselves. Note the "to be able to", doesn't mean you have to.

That is pretty much what I can put into words right now, this coming from a person trying his best to write black and white some of his principles of life. Not easy, okay.

Speaking of which it reminds me of another one. We are born into a culture where people generally don't think. We all have brains, we use our brain, but think with our brains but often because it is called into action rather than choice. With all the wonderful influence around us we don't have time for it anyway, yeah?

The time a person really starts living is when he steps out of this passive world he's been existing in and start being the person he can be.

My dreams. You'll be surprised.

1. To be free from financial issues and monetary matters for good.

To go into a shop and just take what I want and walk off, without needing to think about how much it cost of what is the best bargain.

It doesn't necessarily means like I need to be so super filthy rich, I just need to find the right balance of cash in hand+ spare to feed a person like me kind of expenditure's bill.

I spend frequently but I don't spend lavishly, I spend big at times but only after thorough consideration, and I'm not wasteful. In other words I don't carry such high maintenance fee.


2. I want to live in a glass house on pillers in the middle of the sea, free from the community and trouble ofcourse, to be able to fish every day and count stars every night. While blasting the woofers as far as it can go and rock the seas without any sense of guilt.

3. Also, to have a nice multi-story house built on top of the hill and over the edge of a cliff, overlooking the horizon and sunset. Perhaps a few neighbours and lots of flat grassland around it with some trees. No jetties and no beach and no edgy rocks, please.

4. To go to London someday and step foot on my beloved Arsenal FC fortress. Simple and possible, but the most important aspect is to be there in the intention of GOING THERE. Rather than happen to be around there and drop by and step foot just to strike out an item from the list. Yeah?

5. Have some micro-bio-electronic chip inserted into my blood vanes and allows me to enjoy music at beyond this world's quality, neverending tracks, immediate availability and ultimate freedom of control, all this while being not even needing to leave my body.

There's no need for the mind to work with the brain to connect with the nerves and send the impulse to the body to let the world know, wait, and have ear receive it's input, filter and delay it, back to the nerves and to the brain just so the mind can enjoy a song. Just shove the freaking chip into our brain and play it, alright?


I've got a addiction to music even for a person like me and the years I've tried, I still could not reach that fantasy nirvana stage I want. To have it played internally just might be the solution from the future, a technology beyond our time for now.


And from another person's eyes, I'm just a same old me.

6. Plan a master plan of a scale so massive that it had never deem possible nor dreamed of before, about something, perhaps with little to no motive or gain. A plan so sophisticated and elaborated others would just write it off as "Lucky la you". And execute it to absolute perfection.

Maybe plan a ultimate heist, a surprise "coincidantial" surprise dinner for 10 ex-classmates, or simply a more productive company to exercise micromanagement.

Like this: Get 2 technicians to write a online social networking site to compete with FB. Get a supervisor to supervise them. Get another supervisor to supervise the original supervisor. Get a accounting group to handle the finances and salary. Get a a manager to lead them. Get another manager to supervise him. Hire a few other bunch of people like this to rival each other. Get a group of people to watch over the whole thing. Get a lawyer to negotiate a loan from the bank with the help of his own group of people. Get another 3 lawyers to supervise him. Get a bank robber to help them. Get a few brainy people to be manage the whole thing from an underground location. Get a person to be the deputy and another as the head. And lastly , get a person to be the mastermind. All while not a single person knowing the true extend of the plan, hence unable to hijack it. And if anything goes wrong, the police intervene and people gets killed, I don't know, not me leh.

To be continued.

P/s: Every book started with a few words, I found out, as my few words almost turned into a book!

Counterproductivity

Was having a drink+ chatting session with some friends when the topic switched to religion. With 3 of the 5 being from the same church, one me and the other one a non believer it turned into a more serious discussion about religion and each's meaning about God.

Debating is healthy IMO provided it's done correctly with the right intentions.

My response to it then was " Oh this is way long expired a issue worthwhile debating"

But when two person is debating about a common thing in which they both have different definition about, in a way which involves less listening from the other and more enforcing each's belief to the other, less on trying to work to a common understanding and more on reinforcing their own ground, is not debating.It's not even discussing as both aren't open to the other's idea.

It is more like standing up for their prides of their belief and from a third person point of view, it's just a pointless waste of time.

Not taking time for granted, the opportunity cost it takes for 5 people to put aside some time to gather too have been disrespected, put shame upon and indirectly mocked of.

And above all, the reason a term exist to remind us of such situations. Counterproductivity. Speaks louder than the whole entry combined.

I was tempted to break up the verbal modern day fight but it was just a rare sight that part of me was interested in watching the drama unfold.

It got me wondering why do people despite the longer years they have lived and things they have seen, despite knowing the outcome of such negative interaction like that, still see a point in continue debating?

Why?

Was the reason both continued investing time and effort debating is because they felt threatened? Because they felt intimidated by the other? Because it's the by-default response? Obviously it isn't because they were trying to teach or learn from the other too. Because they get turned on by it and are enjoying it?

Sometimes peoples behavior are beyond my comprehension.

Heck care.

The rest was fun, yeah.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Some Things Even Money Can't Buy

I have been under-sleeping for the past two days ( slept at 1.30/2am on Wed and Thursday) and went to work giving a 110% while running on coffee and redbull.

It was just a matter of time before something break eh?

Luckily it isn't. On the way back today as I was sitting on a packed MRT I had one of the best sleep I had in a long time,despite it being just barely 1 minute.

As I dozed off I had a flashback of a sensation I once felt when I was a child. Some many many years ago when the family still stay together we would travel back to our hometown on a highway. 400km, 4 hours, at night and I always had 101 problems with moving cars.

The scent of the aircon, cold air and fixed cushion disgust me.

The design and shape of the chair does not fit me at all.


The rubbish door which provides little comfort and a lousy angle when leaned upon for support. The alternating highway streetlights which keeps on shining into my damn eyes and I'm supposed to fall asleep?.

The dead body chopped into 7 parts and disposed off in the darkness at the oil palm plantation along the highway which I overheard my parents discuss about when I was younger. I was fortunate enough to overheard that but unfortunate enough to extra-overheard where. Which basically means every oil palm plantation is. HAHA

The cramped backseats which 3 siblings shared, made me (Sorry I had no choice but to) push and kick my brother away. Which is quite bad but quite fun. HAHA

It was never a good experience traveling on the car long distance.


But after a while of all that I would eventually fall asleep, and at the very last moment before I was gone I would feel a sensation similar to a rising tide to a incoming wave of change

Like having the bad's suddenly change good.

like a traditional enemy made peace.

like from pain to pleasure.

Of being afloat, lifted, suspended and weightless, carried and raised, of letting go of your body for once.

A feeling which only lasted for a second but feels like an eternity.

. . .

I had actually rediscovered a forgotten sensation from childhood in the train today.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Laugher is the Best Ice Breaker

Lately I've been using my laptop in the living room with the lovely grandmother and the maid. One is old, one is from Myanmar and one is writing this.

Every now and then when I do what I do by laughing at the crazy Just for Laughs videos or some nutty FB status update, they would look at me like I'm crazy. I can see it from the look of their eyes, and I think so too hahaha.

But after a long while of about 0.1 second of triangular stares in the living room we all would break into laughter. I look at her look at Auntie look at her looking at me looking at my laptop back at her, it's just really funny.

Eventhough the maid's english is basic and the grandmother barely speak any english and the maid don't understand shit of Chinese, we still laugh together in harmony. That is a wonder I like.

People said to learn a new language one have to first start by learning the basic easy to use vulgarities but I always doubted it. I believe it isn't, I don't know what it is.

Till now.
I know what I want as a caption for my blog, finally.

"My perception, In my opinion, Just my imagination"

:D

p/s: The devil wears prada!

To lazy to relearn the HTML codings again though
. Oh well