Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Zag Stairway

There's this Z-like stairs at the exit of Bouna Vista MRT station which I pass by everyday to and from work. It's basically a alternative to the normal stairs meant for people on wheelchairs to resort to a less tiresome but longer way up/down the slope.

Once, I saw a perfectly healthy person using that stairs instead of the normal one. Mind you, because of its lower slope gradient nature, it's total distance is almost 3 time fold of the normal 5 meters stairs. Using it only makes a normal person look, well, abnormal.

Why on earth would anyone use it anyway?

I thought about the person using it then as psycho or plain retarded or something beyond my rational comprehension.

Gradually over time after seeing it everyday en route to work and back, I've decided to give it a deeper meaning in my life. I told myself I'll use that illogical stairs the day I concede that the pressure around me have got the better of me; the day I admit I'm down.

Of course with such pledged from a prideful person like me, it basically translate that I'll never, ever, use that stairs anymore because I will never admit total defeat to mark my words.

It's been 3 months since and counting.

Then today.

. . .

Today I had a really bad day. Just like from the storybooks, I made a small simple mistake which wasn't even really fully my fault, and that happens to be the single spark which set off a chain of messy misdoings of minor human error and multiple breaches of system from multiple parties, which resulted in that small spark causing a huge mess.

And unlike all my previous mistakes, this isn't even half mine to blame at, but that's what people do because it's the easiest thing to do. It's almost unbelievable to be true.

It could have been easily avoided had it not been a string of unlucky events or just one of many people being alert. It could have been.

To be blamed for something other won't bother to know nevermind share the blame for their part is just horrible. There's no pride in standing up for others who don't want to know their roles at fault who landed the blame with me.

So I was pretty down. My mind have been occupied with my immediate future, my expiring room, my future at work, my education. And family matters too. I questioned my purpose of being at work. I explored the possibility of taking a month of non-paid leave from work. I considered immediately terminating my contract and disappear back to Malaysia. I hadn't had felt as down as this in months.

But I hung on. I didn't crumble. There is not better than here and if I cannot last here I do not deserve to be anywhere.


Today, on the way back I walked up that Zag stairway as a reward for not succumbing to the pressure. Like a triumph walk. Ha.

And I didn't feel stupid at all walking up that very stairway I once defined.

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