Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Some Byes' really are

Just another minute for Facebook, nothing much but it's routine so Facebook it is.

But yesterday wasn't just like every other day when I login to FB to nothingness. A primary schoolmate tagged me in a picture and in it was a piece of childhood memory lost in time. The old school background, the old school chairs and most of all, the old school small humans.

At the center of it all was my childhood crush. Her name written on the tag list. Her name. I had gone though a period just last year where I was trying very hard to recontact with her but all efforts were fruitless. And now, out of the sudden she came knocking on my door.

The last time I saw her was at lease 14 years ago but her face of that 14 years ago still is at the back of the mind. I don't remember the facial features but I remember well the emotions associated with it.

When I went through her pictures on FB it's shocking. Totally different, totally the opposite. Along with it went my childhood crush on her; the long running story of a puppy love finally ended.

My mind was occupied many times today about one realization I've learned from this.

When we leave someone, our memories (and emotions!) towards them comes to a standstill, frozen in time for eternity. They may fade over time but they will never change. It's like a death- people are taken aback but over time they move on and life continues. But the deceased will stay in place devoid of time, that's what memories are.

And when we meet them again after some time they will change and it's spelled to our face that the old them we have saved on our mind is gone for good. The slim baby faced babe is now just an entity in a dimension without time.

I realised that every time I say bye, let go and leave a person behind in time, it's like their death warrant. The they I've learned and discovered about is gone, consumed by the changes of time. I realised too, that I've known parts of this fact for quite some time now.

That is perhaps the main reason it was so difficult for me to let Fiona go. I let her go, I let her legacy in my mind died and I'm the killer. How do one ever cleans oneself from such a guilt as that?

They never truly do.

No comments: