Wednesday, May 5, 2010

First Work is Always the Greatest.

Sometimes at work time feels like my greatest tormentor. Holding through till the day is done or the weekend comes around is no big deal, but the real poison is in the thought of living this week, next week, last week, every week, the same.

Like as mentioned from a book I once read of a POW in Auschwitz, the hours in the days passes very fast but the progress days after days is almost non existent. 8am to 11am to 3pm to 7pm is revolutions apart but Monday Tuesdays to Thursday, 15th, 18th, 29th are all the same damn thing.

To go to work is easy because I've a routine and always have things to look forward towards, but in the long run every week is just the same as every other week.

That is the biggest tormentor to my stalled mind.

Sometimes I feel like calling it quits and runaway from this work and life, but everything here seems to be as good as it gets. Colleagues are wonderful, work is great, time, money and commitment is worthwhile. But deep inside there's just always a constant problematic thorn. Nothing is ever good enough.

When I think about thinking about considering quitting, people comes to mind. Yunli complains every day but fact is, she's been there for 1 year and counting. Lina, same. Fiona, same. If the girls can do it, there's no reason I can't.

I have this theory explaining the reality of my commitment and dedication to work. Every day I'll give 110% at work, every night I'll sleep and recover 90% of the extra energy. 6 days later during the weekend I'll sleep longer to recover the total extra energy spent during the whole week, and maybe recover 99% of it. The 1% is brought forward to the next week.

4 weeks later, a month. 4 months later, tired. Later later, really tired. It's called fatigues, no? Not physically, but mentally. My brain's drained.

I wish to use my annual leaves but it's in negative figures to start with. Spent it on processing my Singapore PR and on my Grandfather's funeral emergency leave. Negative. Not really helpful a thought to ease the mind's burden either.

I'm just tired. I really am. No pain no gain; effort and rewards. But during happy times, bad realities are just at the back of my mind everytime.

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