Monday, May 31, 2010

Old is just a state of mind.

I met up with a friend from poly over dinner and had a brief but great chat. Which is actually more of talking cock and sharing opinion and laughing over shits.

At one point I was explaining a opinion of mine about how people our age are never really expired from poly despite graduating.

Suf: They always give me that [OLD!],[EXPIRED!],[OVERDUE!] looks when I'm in Poly because I look older than my age.

Jordan: Aiya don't worry bout it it means little. Remember 2 years ago when I was still in Poly I look very pretty much the same like I do now? Back then I was feeling so at home in poly, but now even as I've graduated when I come back I still blend in like it was just yesterday.

Jordan: My point is, even if you graduate tomorrow they will still give you that looks, so why wait? Graduation is just a standard we compare ourselves with, though it with respect to actual age is subjective. Just because I've graduated and you haven't doesn't makes me expired from poly, same goes to you. It's all quite the same.

[ he stopped me halfway and said something I'll never forget ]

Suf: Haha, you? 2 years ago you are just the same as now. You never grow old.

(Jordan: HAHA)

Yeah come to think about it I guess it's true because I've always believed our body age subconsciously related to our mind. If you believe you're old and past your prime, release the handbrakes and slow down, your body too will slowly adapt to being old. Likewise if we believe we are still young our body too will be young. It's just one of those magics in life we research alot about yet know little about really.

My father used to say he's old and is gone and his physique is evident to that. I wondered which came first, the old body hence the surrendered mind, or..?

Also when running at the tracks there's that few old man who keeps on running before me, alongside me and keeps on running after me. Amazing how the mind controls the body.

Back to the conversation.

Jordan and Suf:

Also, we are all in poly and we are pretty much the same. The obvious change we can see is only when compared to a uni student. In uni they are exposed to different things- higher pace of learning, higher expectations, greater knowledge in lesser time. That, the environment, is what changes the person, not age.

So basically we all follow the flow of change up till we reach a point our environment force a change on us. Like a student going to uni, a adult getting married, a girl becomes a mother, and a mother becomes a grandmother. When the change comes from our environment force itself upon us we change. We change in time, but we do not grow with age.

As good as extensive thinking goes, it takes a conversation to really put it into action by making it in a passable package.

...

No Whys? now, understand later. That is what faith is afterall, eh?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Doesn't aging scares you?

I was at the Dover MRT waiting for my parents this morning and while waiting I realised something again. The old auntie with her older mother. The young teenage poly girl. The two muscular dragonboat guys. Many many people.

A slight fear ran through me, a feeling one would get when they haven't seen their parents in a long time. Maybe it's normal but it's definitely unnatural for me for now. I wasn't afraid of them, but rather I was afraid of what I might see after not seeing them for so long. Months.

Life in Singapore is really fast paced compared to my hometown and months here could feel like years of there.

I was afraid time had passed me by too fast that I wouldn't recognize my mother anymore. She would be old, thin, frail, wrinkled and white haired. My father would be no different. But thankfully it's just my imagination, it's not for real. The moment she appeared she extinguished the fear.

It came and passed.

It took me a while to realise what it's all about now.

The way I see it aging is a physical, bodily process which is not quite directly related to a person's maturity or age of mind. A person is defined by his characteristics controlled by his mind and the growing of the mind comes in many form. Like leaving house when you're just 17. It is not as simple and straightforward as made believe in maturing with age.

With age we explore and are exposed to different things and this teaches and matures us, not the opposite.

So similarly, over time when one have seen a person for so long we can be quite sure the person we know that person as is pretty much the same ( predictable) as of old, but we can never be sure their rate of physical growth. Of aging. Of nearing expiring. That is the fear I felt, of seeing a loved one age.

I realised too I'm only feeling this because I do not have the same fear for myself in growing old, but I emotionally affected when those around me grows old. More accurately, it's not the actual aging part which scares me but rather the prospect of it which is more frightening.

We could all capture a snapshot of them and keep them in our minds but we could never predict how they would look like in the future. For all the technology we have now it just isn't good enough yet; one day when a new technology pops up which allows us to snap a picture of a person in the future then perhaps the fear would go away.

But for now I should start to appreciate them more at present.

One step back for two steps forward

Some people takes pleasure in doing the simple things of life, like selling noodles at a market morning to night. Some people sail out to sea on their boat and come back with a day's catch, contented.

Some people like my mum wakes up every morning and travel 1 hour to work, manages the finance of her company and come back late at night tired but I suspect, contented.

But for me, I know what I like doing but I don't know what I want. All I know is I don't want to live a life like that, a nine to five job where time invested is almost directly and uniformly proportionate with the income with respect to the years spent doing it. I don't want that. I want a life where I could work perhaps a collective 2-3 days a week and do well enough to not be bothered about monetary issues.

Ofcourse I could just lower my standards but the challenge is to actually not doing so yet working out the results.

How do I do that, I don't know.

I'm just not contented. In a few many many years time we'll know if I'm just talking empty talks or not. But for now, tomorrow is still a Monday. Life goes on.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Normal People do what Normal People do is not enough for me

Read from bottom up.

Warning: Super highly cheem. Intellectual conversation about Ideas and Thinking.


Jordan:
i told you so when we were 21

Jordan:
desires and needs comes in, we spend, we believe and want to get married, we marry, we have kids, we support them, retired, then i'll be there next to you asking


Jordan:
same ol shit

Jordan:
i'll be back in our culture's rat race. go to school, study and work hard for grades, grades will impress our employers and have better change to succeed in life by making most money and then

Jordan:
im just free now, once i go back to uni, all this will mean nothing

Jordan:
it will take time to realise that but im trying to skip that part and discovering it now

Jordan:
because of all the distractions around us and the way our culture made us believe

Jordan:
we are allocating our effort and time in a wrong proportion

*Ivan - 童添森:
what is it you are trying to tell me

Jordan:
lets start again

Jordan:
okay

*Ivan - 童添森:
ok so

Jordan:
no walls just guidelines

Jordan:
thats the wonder of ideas

Jordan:
assuming that you dont need that bridge im gonna skip examples and let your understanding of my understanding grow on its own too

*Ivan - 童添森:
yup

Jordan:
thats as a bridge to connect the great mind to lesser minds

Jordan:
yup

Jordan:
back to the point

*Ivan - 童添森:
even einstien use example to explain his ever so complex theory of relativity

D)Jordan:
am not saying its bad, just saying that using it too much is bad

(D)Jordan:
but we can try not to use examples unless really have to

(D)Jordan:
right

*Ivan - 童添森:
techers use examples to educate

*Ivan - 童添森:
even at kindergarden level

*Ivan - 童添森:
we use example to educate

*Ivan - 童添森:
u cannot NOT use example

(D)Jordan:
lol

(D)Jordan:
i realised that in thinkingTM

(D)Jordan:
i'm not gonna use examples anymore nowadays because it will cause you to narrow down your idea growth

(D)Jordan:
its just one of many examples

*Ivan - 童添森:
u brought it up

(D)Jordan:
big and important but not everything

*Ivan - 童添森:
which we are not talking about

(D)Jordan:
money is just 1/100 things of significance

*Ivan - 童添森:
we are not talking about money

(D)Jordan:
we should have spent that time concentrating on growing more holistic, balanced

*Ivan - 童添森:
ok we are straying again

(D)Jordan:
then we realise life is not all about money and we need not spend so much time learning maths to make extra money we are not gonna use

(D)Jordan:
maths = good = higher value and better future = more money = feed our desire for more needs = then what?

*Ivan - 童添森:
a grey subject

(D)Jordan:
maths as how i see it is just another 1/100/100/100000 of any significance

*Ivan - 童添森:
things that there are no right and wrong

(D)Jordan:
yes

*Ivan - 童添森:
we are talking about more abstract stuff

*Ivan - 童添森:
ok we fine we are not talking about math

(D)Jordan:
its a center of everything no man have ever write full about

*Ivan - 童添森:
we look back when we were in secondary school and think that learning math now then is essensial because of all the + and - we learn. however we think integration and matrix are non essensial, now in uni u look back and think that studying secondary school is important, those who did PhD math will look at us and think the same

(D)Jordan:
however, life is not just a single thing we can learn from a book called Chemistry or Add mats

(D)Jordan:
but thats because the time it takes to discover that on our own is not worth the little return we get in return

(D)Jordan:
its true too, some things its somuch easier to just read from the book

(D)Jordan:
you get the point

(D)Jordan:
people marry and retire and die

(D)Jordan:
people save and invest on property we save and invest on property

(D)Jordan:
people work we work

(D)Jordan:
follow procedures and rules and guidelines

(D)Jordan:
before we treat our whole life like a student studying in a school

(D)Jordan:
go to school till one age and then start thinking

(D)Jordan:
well the best is to mix both

*Ivan - 童添森:
why study physics when we can derive our own formula

*Ivan - 童添森:
then why go to school

*Ivan - 童添森:
if we can just sit down and generate ideas faster then reading

(D)Jordan:
everyone does that, to not do that = lagging, to do that doesnt mean advancing

*Ivan - 童添森:
education is essessial

(D)Jordan:
that is true, and normal

*Ivan - 童添森:
thats the thing, we educated people will not stop thinking just because our supply to reading material gets cut off. As a matter of fact, reading promotes thinking further expanding the ability to think and creathing new ideas

(D)Jordan:
use your brain

(D)Jordan:
you should start thinking

(D)Jordan:
are you confused by now?

(D)Jordan:
lol

(D)Jordan:
over Y time, the growth of method 2 will be higher than method 1

(D)Jordan:
our own developement, takes 10A time for less results, but the growth is constant

(D)Jordan:
another way,

(D)Jordan:
put it this way, read book = takes A time and X timefold reward, but after resources runs out growth is halted

(D)Jordan:
the supply of other people ideas which we use to think ours from

*Ivan - 童添森:
what supply

(D)Jordan:
then back to here

(D)Jordan:
as always, once the supply is cut out, we ask ourself what now? no longer supplied, we halt

(D)Jordan:
but as i've noticed from all my years of living,

D)Jordan:
thats true

(D)Jordan:
i can't read because i dont want others idea to contaminate mine

*Ivan - 童添森:
rise*

*Ivan - 童添森:
and rice 10X faster

*Ivan - 童添森:
u can just read

(D)Jordan:
one day it will be high

*Ivan - 童添森:
or

(D)Jordan:
but i also believe, with the right dedication low level will rise and rise

(D)Jordan:
that i know i agree i admit

(D)Jordan:
everything starts with low level

*Ivan - 童添森:
is already out there

*Ivan - 童添森:
because all these low lvl ideas

(D)Jordan:
the method of doing it is there, the result still unknown

*Ivan - 童添森:
u first need to be an expert in that field

(D)Jordan:
is the existence of thinking as i put it already

*Ivan - 童添森:
but then again like i said

(D)Jordan:
for now the greatest result

*Ivan - 童添森:
and we can capitalize on it

*Ivan - 童添森:
let me know

*Ivan - 童添森:
come up with a whole new awesome idea

*Ivan - 童添森:
if u do

*Ivan - 童添森:
and however

(D)Jordan:
but thats the whole point, new

*Ivan - 童添森:
whic probably dosen't exist

(D)Jordan:
its normal for you to struggle with what im trying to say because its new and you have no reference

(D)Jordan:
a different idea

(D)Jordan:
a break from what normal people do in the past, the present and will do in the future

(D)Jordan:
im talking about a new idea

(D)Jordan:
doesnt appeal to me anymore, all that you just said

(D)Jordan:
i have that feeling that everything you just said I've been there thought about it seen it followed up about it and done it

*Ivan - 童添森:


and sometimes after all that reading u decided that the author is talking pure crap

*Ivan - 童添森:
take damn long to decipher

*Ivan - 童添森:
have u ever read a thesis before?

*Ivan - 童添森:
i'll probably have to go dig thesis out

*Ivan - 童添森:
but if i want to know more and see it on a whole new level

*Ivan - 童添森:
is there

*Ivan - 童添森:
whatever i want to know or learn

*Ivan - 童添森:
is the internet

*Ivan - 童添森:
1 awesome thing about living in this century

(D)Jordan:
most is nothing

(D)Jordan:
that is something

(D)Jordan:
a plan, a path, a style, a rule

(D)Jordan:
what means something is to think of a something which will change our future

(D)Jordan:
which doesnt mean anything because its just all self image which doesnt mean anything

*Ivan - 童添森:
conjure away

*Ivan - 童添森:
as long as u realize whatever you conjure up is already there

(D)Jordan:
but nowadays i realise theres other way to impress ourself w/o using that way

(D)Jordan:
i used to do that alot, talk then conclude it with Point is

(D)Jordan:
lol

(D)Jordan:
just 1/100/100/100000

*Ivan - 童添森:
point is

(D)Jordan:
too small shit

(D)Jordan:
this is not going anywhere

(D)Jordan:
okay stop

*Ivan - 童添森:
aristotle thought about it about 2500 years ago

*Ivan - 童添森:
however

*Ivan - 童添森:
well, its good that i realize that

*Ivan - 童添森:
3. i win the argument with a strong and steady stand

*Ivan - 童添森:
2. i win the argument with pure logic

*Ivan - 童添森:
1. i appeal to thier emotional side

(D)Jordan:
haha

(D)Jordan:
you need to agree

*Ivan - 童添森:
there several ways

*Ivan - 童添森:
and realize that to win an argument

*Ivan - 童添森:
if 4 years ago i argue alot

(D)Jordan:
what you think?

(D)Jordan:
i'm still learning the normal things people learn in their normal life at their normal pace, but at the same thing working on something else, something different

(D)Jordan:
what comes after that, to step and stand on our own, is more important

(D)Jordan:
that is perfectly normal and can be done with dedication to time and cause

(D)Jordan:
imo

*Ivan - 童添森:
why do u think the only people i can quote is my essay are those PHD people

*Ivan - 童添森:
then we start generating new ideas to improve

*Ivan - 童添森:
once we catch up

*Ivan - 童添森:
society evolve from remembering the pass

*Ivan - 童添森:
there is a reason why our work quotes back to aristotle. which is like 380 BC

(D)Jordan:
thats what im doing, thinking

(D)Jordan:
ideallly, everything can be found from the inside, it just takes time patience and effort to work it out

(D)Jordan:
i dont do it like that because i dont want to rely on others for myself to grow

*Ivan - 童添森:
back to topic

*Ivan - 童添森:
ok its detouring out of topic

(D)Jordan:
haha

*Ivan - 童添森:
and deciding which 1 i prefer

*Ivan - 童添森:
so my marks come from seeking both side out

*Ivan - 童添森:
thing is whatever they write, there is somebody who will write a contradiction

(D)Jordan:
ive got many books like that but i read them in moderation only

(D)Jordan:
and what stays in is what we choose to accept

(D)Jordan:
its about letting the idea of theirs come in, and go out

(D)Jordan:
imo its not like that

*Ivan - 童添森:
in fact the more i argue the higer resutl i'll get

*Ivan - 童添森:
i can argue

*Ivan - 童添森:
whatever they say

*Ivan - 童添森:
nothing is fix

*Ivan - 童添森:
u should try taking business or arts courses

*Ivan - 童添森:
but u don't have to agree with them

*Ivan - 童添森:
all thought out

*Ivan - 童添森:
present thier ideas

*Ivan - 童添森:
and most books

*Ivan - 童添森:
that is why u don't just take what u read at face value, be aware how the author creates the mood and do not fall into that pit hole

(D)Jordan:
thats why

(D)Jordan:
by following someone's idea it is already a constant, the way it presents itself to us

(D)Jordan:
everything can change

(D)Jordan:
in ideagrowthTM everything is not a constant

(D)Jordan:
stick to one way and in doing so defeats the fundamental concept of idea growth

(D)Jordan:
imo

(D)Jordan:
it will cause singleminded track

(D)Jordan:
i agree but in doing so

*Ivan - 童添森:
imo

*Ivan - 童添森:
but reading and questioning what u read can develope yourself 10X faster

*Ivan - 童添森:
generating half baked ideas is all good and all

(D)Jordan:
it will ruin the flow of ideas according to my newfound relgion

(D)Jordan:
i'm not gonna read it yet

Monday, May 24, 2010

Everything is a fuckin lie.

Everything we believe in is a fucking lie.

The phone I use, it's good but that's because I've made to believe higher tech/more advance is good.

The computer and Facebook I use, I believe it's healthy because it connects me with my friends and social life. But that is only so because it's so addictive I've grown reliant on it and stop searching for other ways to feed the desire to socialize.

The TV and movies all around us, each and every one is eye catching and attention grabbing but down under everyone knows it's all so because the media guys did a great job at stealing our attention. We lose.

The work we plan to do, it's all to make money in the only way we know and trust in, and dedicate our life doing it. All for money, something we have been made to believe is a sign of healthy and fulfilling life. That too is a lie, made up by people who wants alot of money for the fun of it and it's a trend we all follow because we don't know any other way.

I need money but I don't want money. If I had the choice of getting things done without money I would take it. I told my sister many years back on of my goals in life is to life a life without having to worry about money. To have enough and more but not needing to use it( NOT- trying to lie to ourself we don't need it in an attempt to keep it, but actually using it till there's nothing I want already that money can buy)

Everything is a fuckin lie.

That I know.

We grow up being shown the right way to do it is to have an idol and follow their footsteps to greatness, but logically speaking if we idolize a person and follow them we will never be greater then them eh? I've grown into living with my own prisciples of life, too many to stat down but are the fundamentals of my every decision and choice I make.

I don't idolize anyone anymore, I simply do the opposite. I keep in mind what I dis-idolize of a person, a bad habit or characteristic and keep that away from me.

There's only one fucking problem- when everyone teaches me what not's to do from their bad, I won't be bad. But I don't know how to be good yet.

The way everyone is living their life around mine, my boss, my collegues, my mother, my peeps, I just feel they are simply existing and not EVEN NEAR living. Just happen to be born, to be educated, to gonna be working, to gonna be saving money and marry and bring to earth a new child to repeat the process. Existing, not living.

Everyone around me living their life in their way, is just pathetic. In this era we live in we have been and are being brainwashed from all 5 ( and more!) senses of ours. Our culture is our own failure, our slow demise.

I want to live a life I call worth living by my high standards but I don't know what is it. Take away every single fucking things I believe in because of the influence of everything around me and I see nothing. I don't even know how to think for myself already how to live a fulfilled life. I used to be a master of isolation+ self entertainment = total contentment of a fulfilled life, but I lost it.

Is life worth living for? Lost is the time when live was worth living for, nowadays we are all just surviving merely to serve our culture's made-believe purpose of existence- to continue existing and populating.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Erm.

Just finished watching a movie and my mind was half absent when I started tearing out a small bit of my toe nail. Messed it up and instead got a bigger portion and pull the whole damn thing out and ended up with bloody hands.

Wtf's wrong with me.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Key to a Lasting Marriage is Communication

My father and my mother should be talking to each other rather than both asking me to convey their opinion and plans of my education to the other.

Like seriously, they both live under one roof 500km away from me and have been married for 30 years? 30+ years? That's an awfully long time and any problems by my own standards should have been resolved by then. The lack of communication between my parents, it's true. It's what it is.

My father called me about studying locally during lunch time, and suggested to me I "inform" my mother about this idea.

My mother smsed me "Check email" last night because my father suggested to her to do so ( in the least amount of communication as possible again?) Today she smsed me after lunch hour to ask more about what my father emailed me. Seriously?

I made a point to keep family matters out during work hours but my mum seems to be the opposite. I had to ignore her to focus at work. Even my blind peers at work can see a change in me lately. How am I suppose to really juggle between a non-communicating parents communicating via me and perform flawlessly at work?

I focus 99 parts of the time and get burned very badly for that 1 part I somehow flopped. Everyday. The pressure is slowly turning me to jelly.

My parent's can say all they want to justify their situation but the fact is this is a failed lesson on communication they're teaching their kids.

The one thing I've learned from their failing in this life is never to let the same happens in the next, when I'm the one's married.

The Zag Stairway

There's this Z-like stairs at the exit of Bouna Vista MRT station which I pass by everyday to and from work. It's basically a alternative to the normal stairs meant for people on wheelchairs to resort to a less tiresome but longer way up/down the slope.

Once, I saw a perfectly healthy person using that stairs instead of the normal one. Mind you, because of its lower slope gradient nature, it's total distance is almost 3 time fold of the normal 5 meters stairs. Using it only makes a normal person look, well, abnormal.

Why on earth would anyone use it anyway?

I thought about the person using it then as psycho or plain retarded or something beyond my rational comprehension.

Gradually over time after seeing it everyday en route to work and back, I've decided to give it a deeper meaning in my life. I told myself I'll use that illogical stairs the day I concede that the pressure around me have got the better of me; the day I admit I'm down.

Of course with such pledged from a prideful person like me, it basically translate that I'll never, ever, use that stairs anymore because I will never admit total defeat to mark my words.

It's been 3 months since and counting.

Then today.

. . .

Today I had a really bad day. Just like from the storybooks, I made a small simple mistake which wasn't even really fully my fault, and that happens to be the single spark which set off a chain of messy misdoings of minor human error and multiple breaches of system from multiple parties, which resulted in that small spark causing a huge mess.

And unlike all my previous mistakes, this isn't even half mine to blame at, but that's what people do because it's the easiest thing to do. It's almost unbelievable to be true.

It could have been easily avoided had it not been a string of unlucky events or just one of many people being alert. It could have been.

To be blamed for something other won't bother to know nevermind share the blame for their part is just horrible. There's no pride in standing up for others who don't want to know their roles at fault who landed the blame with me.

So I was pretty down. My mind have been occupied with my immediate future, my expiring room, my future at work, my education. And family matters too. I questioned my purpose of being at work. I explored the possibility of taking a month of non-paid leave from work. I considered immediately terminating my contract and disappear back to Malaysia. I hadn't had felt as down as this in months.

But I hung on. I didn't crumble. There is not better than here and if I cannot last here I do not deserve to be anywhere.

...

Today, on the way back I walked up that Zag stairway as a reward for not succumbing to the pressure. Like a triumph walk. Ha.

And I didn't feel stupid at all walking up that very stairway I once defined.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Time For a Change

I find myself really in need of time lately. I'm gonna make a list of what do and what not to collect more workable time everyday.

I'm gonna
1. Not watch TV
2. Not stay back after work unnecessarily, and no afterwork dinner with friends for the time being.
3. No detours on the way back from work.
4. Max half an hour on FB per session. No games, no videos, no pointless activity on FB


Also

1. Sleep at 12, wake up at 6.30 and keep looking at the time. Perhaps get a watch on the wrist 24/7.

I can't think of anything much right now.

Well I've been telling everyone I'm going to UK to study and will know its yes or no come end of the month, and now I'm starting to feel the gravity of the situation.

Landlord asked me to move out come end of month. No problem, I'll just find another place. But contracts comes with a duration and my duration here in Singapore goes side by side with working. Will I be working for the next half a year? It depends on if I get accepted and continue studying or not.

Will I get accepted? I don't know. Everyday spend waiting for a reply means lesser time to find a house and give notice should I chose to quit my job.

I'm also considering studying locally in Malaysia on a transfer degree with UK. It's so much cheaper that way and just like this ain't troublesome enough, my parents have never told me about how all this education thing are being financed.

If it's their own money and will to spend it on me, I'm glad to comply. But I suspect they are taking a huge loan for this behind my back and will present to me the price tag when I'm done with this all. How irresponsible because I don't get to choose my own life then as I'll be debt ridden by then no? And I'll work 10 years to clear up this and by then I'll be spending the rest of my years being obsolete and just making ends meet.

By my own standards and definition that's a life not worth living which defeats the purpose of living a life itself.

Which all in all basically means I'm living on tight rope and a pile of real shit.

I've got family members BUT I've never truly depended on them for quite some time now. They can offer help but I don't see myself going to them for help.

I've got concern friends but I don't want to follow anyone's advice on how to live my life. Suggestions and facts yes, but not instructions.

The only way I'll get out of this mess is by looking deep in myself and that's what I'll do in the next two weeks. Even silence now is becoming an ally of the enemy- my own thoughts of mind.

And no I won't end up in a Church or cell meeting. With time truth and character prevails.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Some Byes' really are

Just another minute for Facebook, nothing much but it's routine so Facebook it is.

But yesterday wasn't just like every other day when I login to FB to nothingness. A primary schoolmate tagged me in a picture and in it was a piece of childhood memory lost in time. The old school background, the old school chairs and most of all, the old school small humans.

At the center of it all was my childhood crush. Her name written on the tag list. Her name. I had gone though a period just last year where I was trying very hard to recontact with her but all efforts were fruitless. And now, out of the sudden she came knocking on my door.

The last time I saw her was at lease 14 years ago but her face of that 14 years ago still is at the back of the mind. I don't remember the facial features but I remember well the emotions associated with it.

When I went through her pictures on FB it's shocking. Totally different, totally the opposite. Along with it went my childhood crush on her; the long running story of a puppy love finally ended.

My mind was occupied many times today about one realization I've learned from this.

When we leave someone, our memories (and emotions!) towards them comes to a standstill, frozen in time for eternity. They may fade over time but they will never change. It's like a death- people are taken aback but over time they move on and life continues. But the deceased will stay in place devoid of time, that's what memories are.

And when we meet them again after some time they will change and it's spelled to our face that the old them we have saved on our mind is gone for good. The slim baby faced babe is now just an entity in a dimension without time.

I realised that every time I say bye, let go and leave a person behind in time, it's like their death warrant. The they I've learned and discovered about is gone, consumed by the changes of time. I realised too, that I've known parts of this fact for quite some time now.

That is perhaps the main reason it was so difficult for me to let Fiona go. I let her go, I let her legacy in my mind died and I'm the killer. How do one ever cleans oneself from such a guilt as that?

They never truly do.

If Tomorrow = Yesterday then what is Today?

The hardest part of living is living with no purpose.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

My Mother is an Accountant (but)

My brother is staying with me in Singapore. Initially the plan was to stay 2 weeks here, but due to financial realization he might be going back earlier than planned.

I as his elder brother and working on the surface, sounds perfectly right to be the once financing him for his stay here, that's what my conscious says. But the other half of me feels there's something wrong about this.

The ones who suggested this idea are at home in Malaysia and though guided my brother all the way here to Singapore to me, had barely supported him financially. I can't help but feel they pushes the responsibility away from each other and it,inevitablly, ended up with me.

I do take pride in putting aside some of my hard earned money to help my not-working brother, but that's merely concealing the problem.

That like how I tried to explain to him earlier, we come from a background where finance and cashflow is like taboo; a forbidden thing to talk openly about. And above that, we've grown up learning from our senours a mentality of being extremely cautious and fearful of financial commitment.

Financial commitment by my own definition is putting a considerable sum of money into something we truly believe in doing is right.

Like a working man taking a loan for a car, a family buying a house or like a teenager buying his second handphone.

The only thing we came to agree my parents did right in this term of financial commitment is spending huge sum on educating us properly during our early years of life.

Also I believe that everyone should listen and learn from their parents, but only half of what they have to offer. The other half should be taken as opinion to be passed upon, to make way for changes to try in this new generation. If we actually follow them through and through, we will be like them but the problem is, theirs may work in the past but we are living in the future.

So to put into context this concept, I only listen to some things my parents say. Same goes to their financial education of life's idea. To point out some points of disagreement in their ways is the normal thing we all should be doing at some point of our lives.

For me, perhaps now.

I told my brother he'll learn alot by coming to Singapore and stay with me. Seems the learn alot has less to do with Singapore and more to do with staying with me w/o the others.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Self-Discovery

I see you see me doing something really repetitive and boring, and you start to What's wrong with him?

Well, because during the past few months working in the interesting company but boring work, I've been doing the same old thing every day. Repetitive, and boring. And gradually over time I hear voices in my head.

Not God talking or what, but just voices as in voices.

It's the other part of my mind thinking while my primary mind is focusing on something which needs focusing with no thinking. My brain over the months have polished up the art of brain-segmentation. 70% on the primary task, the other 30% passively talks to itself.

Very much like a computer with one harddisk but two drives, a ship with a two pilots or a conference Malaysian style with everybody's I'm the Leader mentality style. Suppose to function as one but works by many, as one.

I find myself conferencing about work, life, friends,movies, soccer, holidays, future, past, time, life again. Basically everything that runs through a mind like mine.

Everyday on my way back home I'll sit on the train with my music player on, with music streaming to my ears, but I only do that to shut out the outside sound. The same music everyday becomes the by default music and when it's played, the mind goes blank.

I'll be on the train with my vision off focused, body still and mind, blank. It's the only place I find peace nowadays. Sleeping heals the body and brain but not the mind, the mind's only solace is in a place it really belongs, and everyones gotta find that place his/herself.

I've found mine in that.

And to bring it one step further, my food for thought in the same odd logic(or the lack of it) of that is from doing the same old boring/repetitive thing. Another mystery of life explained.

First Work is Always the Greatest.

Sometimes at work time feels like my greatest tormentor. Holding through till the day is done or the weekend comes around is no big deal, but the real poison is in the thought of living this week, next week, last week, every week, the same.

Like as mentioned from a book I once read of a POW in Auschwitz, the hours in the days passes very fast but the progress days after days is almost non existent. 8am to 11am to 3pm to 7pm is revolutions apart but Monday Tuesdays to Thursday, 15th, 18th, 29th are all the same damn thing.

To go to work is easy because I've a routine and always have things to look forward towards, but in the long run every week is just the same as every other week.

That is the biggest tormentor to my stalled mind.

Sometimes I feel like calling it quits and runaway from this work and life, but everything here seems to be as good as it gets. Colleagues are wonderful, work is great, time, money and commitment is worthwhile. But deep inside there's just always a constant problematic thorn. Nothing is ever good enough.

When I think about thinking about considering quitting, people comes to mind. Yunli complains every day but fact is, she's been there for 1 year and counting. Lina, same. Fiona, same. If the girls can do it, there's no reason I can't.

I have this theory explaining the reality of my commitment and dedication to work. Every day I'll give 110% at work, every night I'll sleep and recover 90% of the extra energy. 6 days later during the weekend I'll sleep longer to recover the total extra energy spent during the whole week, and maybe recover 99% of it. The 1% is brought forward to the next week.

4 weeks later, a month. 4 months later, tired. Later later, really tired. It's called fatigues, no? Not physically, but mentally. My brain's drained.

I wish to use my annual leaves but it's in negative figures to start with. Spent it on processing my Singapore PR and on my Grandfather's funeral emergency leave. Negative. Not really helpful a thought to ease the mind's burden either.

I'm just tired. I really am. No pain no gain; effort and rewards. But during happy times, bad realities are just at the back of my mind everytime.

Monday, May 3, 2010

By Understanding the Past

In my eyes I can be anyone I want to be- Strong, mascular, loud, rough, fast, slow, lazy, focused, tough, faminine, a dumb nut, a smart nut, a cashewnut


Strong: Exercise and work out.
Mascular: Eat protein, exercise and work out.
Loud: Just talk and don't think about what if's. In fact, don't think at all.

etc. You get the point.

The truth behind all of this is because in my eyes I've never been good enough for my own standard.


I can't do things.

Now I can do things.

But I can't do things consistantly.

But my good spree is getting longer by the day.

But I'm still error prone as always.

But..

You get the point too.

I've always lived by the principle " the biggest loss of life is in those things we never thought of about " and my response to that is to always dig deeper into the unknown. If I've never been there/done that before, I will do it.

There's many things I've done and many of it were simply based on the "doing for the sake of just doing it" reason. Like climbing the roof, clinging onto a highway cliff wall, jumping into a quarry, like falling deeply in love with a person who my logic tells me I shouldn't but my heart tells me to ignore it.

Sometimes I fall bad, real bad, other times I escape, but all the time, it's a new milestone set, a new area in life explored, a new chapter penned.

This ever-changing evolution nature of me has always been me. Some could say they seen it coming since young, like a seed waiting for time to ripe. Either way, I knew back then I was gonna life a worthwhile life.

It is called contentment? I'm content with whatever I get hence nothing is ever considered wrong? Also, is it the situation makes the charecter of the mind, or is it the charecter of the mind which makes the situation?

I just didn't know in any deeper details about what the future holds other than based on pure gut feelings back then. I had many haters and non-believers, many challanges and obsticles, many compatitors and many ventures waiting for my fall. I've survived it all.

I've grown in also sticking to a believe that " keep your friend close, keep your enemies closer". Yes, my greatest enemy is,was and always will be


" myself "


I've learned to face my fears and tackle them one by one.

Either way, it's all in the past now.

And the next question: By understanding the past, we can forsee the future.

What does my future holds? That itself gives me a reason to wake up everyday. Only time will tell.

Surprise, Surprise

I came home and on my Facebook it shows one (1) personal message. 99% of it being a newsletter from Zouk/Zirka/MoS/DXO or online gaming members informing something or just some random people forwarding chain links/url's.

But no. Today's different.

If I was the one watching myself from above and knowing all about this, I would be really excited.


Between You and Teong Kooi
Teong Kooi May 3 at 10:32am


Jordan,

Swiss suggested I visit your website to gauge your quantum leap improvement in your writings since the last I read your school’s essay.

I must say, I am very impressed with your have profound analysis of issues and strategic directions, dimensional thinking and provoking thoughts.

I am especially impressed by your efforts in the flow of your measured expression.

Be extra careful with the spellings and use WinWords Thesaurus for refinement - choice of words. Remember “Words cut deeper than a sword”

Once again, I am impressed
.
Jordan Tan May 3 at 11:08pm
Hi Pa.

You surely caught me by surprise once more. I guess it's the result from growth of years of being independent and living on my own.

It is by no means meant to impress anyone, it was merely a open platform to voice out my thoughts though to nobody in particular.

At the end of the day I'm still the same old son of yours. I would say if I were you I would have saw that coming since when I was a toddler?

Haha.

Take care


Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhh!