Sunday, April 4, 2010

To Fiona Ng Shiaun Ling :)

I have something I want to say to Fiona but under the circumstances I'm in telling her isn't the right thing to do. I don't know yet how to handle situations like this as I'm still learning myself, but for now I'll do with this.

(and thankfully I've my own neutral ground platform to share this with the world from- my blog)

Sometimes the feeling I have for you I blame it on the songs I listen to, like Avaition- You're My Everything, Switchfoot- On Fire(I'm on fire when you're near me), Red Jumpsuit Apparatus- Your Guardian Angel and Coldplay's Viva La Vida( Be my mirror my sword and my shield).

Every night when I go to sleep I'll lie to myself I've got more important things to think of like tomorrow, and there's no need to think about you because I don't like you. But the truth is it's self denial. I like you, I don't know you well enough in person to love you, but I like you.

I know in a short few months time you might be in NTU or some other singapore Uni, and I might be halfway across the world and the only connection to you is the internet evenwhich you are half the world away's time difference.

I know we don't each other well and I'm always trying to be at my best when I meet you but I really like the positive prospect I see in you, the future with a person I like what I look at.

I'm getting this off my chest off my chest off my chest.

The moment I first met you I found your name new and beautiful and honestly I even required effort to remember your name. Back then when I met you at my sister's work collegue's party, we have no reason to even ever cross path again, but I was so determined to make it work that I played the game to talk to you, I lied and bluffed with the rest to act stupid and tease you, to talk to you, to make you talk and adknowledge me, to know you and keep in touch with you.

Sometimes I still think how on earth did I be so lucky to have you with me for dinner after that, and the momories of that success will always be my rainbow in memory.

Sometimes I reason to myself that you are still young and don't see things from my aged perspective but it hurts back when I think about the future that one day all your friends will go as you've found a special one and that's not me, and I'll be nothing to you. That day comes, and I might breakdown and cry and hurt myself maybe, but it won't change anything already then.

With my sister around I feel like on top of the world by being better in almost every aspect than her (IMO) but when I'm with you, you cut through my armour, my aura of confidence and invincibility.

I know life is long and we all have many many more years to live, but I've always believed in my principles in doing what we do now to never regret it later. I know on day I'll find an equivilant of you, a different person I equally know little of, a person with a physique I rate 10/10 like you, but I will never, ever, forget you. You're my first and firsts never go away.

I admit things were rough and dull with my current when I met you and you were the reason my last string for holding on snapped. I've been keeping a lookout and I know what I've been looking out for and I found that in you the moment I saw you. I was determined to make it work at any cost and I really hope it will work.

I think of you all the time, I take pleasure in not thinking of you but I can't and I know you're getting sick of me as the feeling isn't mutual but I'm alright with it. Love is when two person feels the same way to each other, but when it's only one way then the person is gonna suffer a slow and silence death. Oh, and I haven't even loved you yet.

You are the reason I don't mind being girlish, being faminine, being soft, being outspoken, being scolded, being laughed at, being hated upon, being praised upon, being being upon, because you give me a purpose in life, a core to center my life around, a reason to keep moving forward, a reason I live. You make me up all my standards by 1 just to make myself feel deserving to think of you.

I know you don't feel the same way and I'm just another irritating despo to you but I'm fine with it. I'm still learning and am not perfect but I can proudly say I'm trying my best.

There'll only be one Fiona :)

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