Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Painful Lesson

By posting this I hope to gain more strength and stronger reasons to do this. All the best to myself.

p/s Jordan: ask yourself this- How much do you really want this?


I wrote this down on my journal post-Fiona . By posting this up I increased the stake of keeping to my words and I hope to pass this. I will announce when I've fully pass this test of mine even if it takes years to overcome.


.................

Major Weakness

1. Emotions are too strong and uncontrollable and takes over me at times.

Why Did Fiona run away?

- I pressured her.

How did I do it?

- I sms her everyday

Why so often?

- Because I keep thinking of her and I can't control my emotions. I developed unbasis feelings for her prematurely.

Why?

I think too much and gave myself too much false/uncertain hope for success. I never considered failure and in doing so, spoiled the balance necessary in a relationship. Like a typical optimist but instead of keeping it in me I spilled it out and overcross the border and played with external factors thinking it is all under my control.

I should have controlled my emotions. I can say it now but it is too late. Opportunity came and is gone.

The signs were already there since early when I smsed her my true feelings for her in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep. I should have controlled that harder.

The deeper problem which leads to that is all because I gave myself too much hope too early when the feeling isn't anything near mutual. By pushing for one step nearer to her she's taking one step further away from me. Maybe it's because I know very well how to push but don't know how to pull. I know how to go but I don't know how to un-go.

It's like driving on a highway with only an accelerator but no brakes. I can go fast and faster but I don't know how to slow down. Eventually I'm bound to crash like I did now.

And I never learned on it either.


I must start by keeping my mind stable at night, the verdict of degree of success/failure is only to come from the most truthful part of me to judge it. If I can overcome this demon of me I am already half way there.

I must stop pushing to initiate things when they don't work. I must stop retrying to do it even harder when it doesn't work out. I need to pull back, I need to learn to know how to pull back.

I'm tempted to sms Fiona now to read this and I'm lying to myself that I'm not doing it to try to get a second chance.

I'm in this deep pit of shit from my own undoing gradually collecting over the years, and now there's nothing that is going to save me unless I start fixing myself. There is no hope for a devine power or chance to clear this mess for me and I am ready to face it myself. I'm not gonna pray and hope for a miricle change of mind from her because it is just bypassing the problem. In time it will happen again unless I overcome it.

I should be grateful for the short existence of Fiona in my life. I've never known anyone with that name and I won't want to be associated with anyone with that name for a long long time till I overcome this demon of mine.

She thought me important lessons.

1. I plan too much ahead and lose touch of the reality of the present, and destroy everything before they even got a chance to work.

I planned to bring her to Sentosa for a nightwalk on the beach at Pahlawan, to East coast part in the morning and along the old backalley of Chinatown at night, when she don't even want to meet me for dinner.

I'm not a failure, whoever is reading this can laugh at me if you want to. I'm just trying to improve myself in overcoming my shortcomings. I've always been self fixing and that's a small part I can be happy about, to have pride in writing this lesson out to the world.

2. I'm too emotional.
I fall for girls very very easily and next, I have big plans to be with them when they don't even know me. Only I-Vy knows about this till now.

3. I'm inpatient, single-minded, stubborn and insensitive.

This combined was the superficial reason how I chased her away. The greater underlying problem behind this is what I need to overcome.

Fiona if you're reading this I just want you to know it's not your fault at all. Stop saying sorry for my mistakes. I'm grateful for having met you and sorry for the trouble I've caused.

4. I relate and connect the future's potential with the present reality in a impossible, never gonna work way. I then respond to them like we are already 2 steps ahead in our relationship, and the difference in that is what chases them away.

Once, I had this friend Jess. We had our share of great time together in Cambodia and things worked out so well, till at a point we were really close in Singapore. Then she showed signs that I'm taking it too far. She finally ended our friendship because of my nonsense (in point 4 above)

And yet I didn't learn.

I told myself I will troubleshoot what went wrong but I didn't. My fuckin mistake.

Years later an identical scenario repeats itself this time it's Fiona. She came into my life and I cause my own fate with my own undoing. I failed twice. That is really hard to take. I need two invitation to start and that's not good enough for today's standard. Sometimes in life they are things which only comes once and when it's gone, it's really and truly gone.

The good news is that Fiona may not be the worse miss of all yet. There still are bigger stakes which haven't happen and I'm gonna try to change my fate.

- I forget about my past mistakes. All this while when I had Fiona in the back of my mind I never notice how similar it is to the Jess case. How the outcome was gonna be the same with the same unchanged attitude in me.

- I only hear what I want to hear most of the time. When people respond, I do filter hearing, I filter the facts and restructure it into what I want to hear, and misinterprate it.

I have failed Ms Melinda Martin's Effective Interpersonal Communication lesson.

I can't keep on making mistakes to learn from and improve on in life. It is too time and opportunity costly and I need to develope a new method better than this to implement in life.

I need to strike it when present with half a chance, rather than multiple chances. One way I learned recently from work is to do it with the heart. Think with the heart as Chinghan calls it. To do a work with a sincere intention of getting it done perfectly in one, instead of waiting for the results and work on the mistakes.

I cannot wait for mistakes to learn from them. It used to work in the past but now the stakes are greater. In still not changing my method already is a mistake.

I need to take things slowly. I'm a superfucking impatient person when I'm excited. Time is a friend and ally only when it is respected.

Finally, to move forward I need to first let go of the past. I will not ask for another chance from her. Do as you wish but I'll do my best to let you go. As much as I want you, I'm gonna secrifice you for the future.

I will do it.

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