Friday, April 16, 2010

I Appear To Be Working Everyday at Work (but my mind never fully is)

I woke up this morning, I sat upright against my wall and as reality seeps in, I wondered what am I doing here. Living this purposeless life, waking up every morning sleeping every night, going to work.

I really had nothing to truly look forward to nowadays when I wake up.

I sat by the window and my sister pointed out the morning sky today is orange. Unusual and heavenly beautiful. I agreed verbally, but inside I don't feel anything. I've lost the feeling of beauty, peace, hope, harmony, and everything positive. I'm like a zombie living in a dead city, a burned carcas in the aftermath of a forest fire, I'm like Heades in the underworld.

I'm living on all the bad emotions; hate, anger, pain, death, sorrow, fights, arguement, regrets. All the good have gone with her out of my life.

My sister asked my two nights ago out of totally nowhere, How's Fiona? I said " She's okay."

Ofcourse she is. I'm not.

Last night my sister told me out of she same nowhereness, Fiona rejected you right?

I've always been a great pretender to my sister but the sorrow in me was more than anything before that she could even see right through my best effort. I told her "It's none of your business."

It hurts to hurt my sister but I'm already so used with hurt it feels normal.

The past two months I wake up with her on my mind, but ever since I woke up from that dream she's just a myth. I won't ever see her again, I won't ever get the same cheerful and caring her back.

Life brought me this opportunity and I failed it, I literally killed the myself of old. In time I'll get over her, in time another person will comin to my life and maybe be better than her, but the extraordinary height she made me brought myself to in such short period and little contact is something I doubt will ever be replicated.

My first gf, I took 3 months to develope the feeling but in fiona it reached twice the height in less than half the time. And the most unforgiving part I can never let go of is living in the brink of a huge bright prospect but fumble just when I almost touched the sky.

She keeps on saying she do not deserve me;I deserve better, but thing is, to me there's no any other better than her. She's asking me to find something non existant. She's asking me to kill the wind, to swim in a sea of gold, to climb to the moon.

In what way are you inperfect? Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder and I have never been able to see anything inperfect in you. This is like a sweet line excript from Google, but only it's original.

In my eyes I only see myself imperfect for her. I've always got everything I wanted one way or another, but Fiona's been my first significant failure in life.

It's like walking in darkness and just when we are confident that it is safe to walk to walk around, we fall into a big fucking hole. And never get out of it again.

Yesterday morning while out my way out the sister played Jason Mraz and Colbie's Lucky.



Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard


The chorus, we sang it, differently.

Sis: "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friendddd... "

As the same time I sang this, naturally following the flow

Jordan: "I'm sorry I'm in love with my best friend.. "

Sister: soRRY?

Jordan: soRRY? (what?) ( ohhh)

I'm really sorry for your time I've wasted but if you could see what I've gone through, you would realise what a feat it all is.

I was never even meant to meet you. On the first day of CNY I was at Johore and only came back to Singapore when my best friend from my hometown cancelled her date with me last minute. I came back, sister told me she got some bullshit collegue's party tomorrow and I thought why not, heck, just come. CNY is supposed to be a time of happiness and work has been too boring. I went, I met her, her were standing inbetween both girls but she stole my breathe away. I knew I liked her I just didn't know how close are we gonna know each other. Maybe it is a fuckin one time thing, meet and greet and dissapear. In the passing few hours I took control of fate almost by the neck and made it work. I played cards to talk to her, I stayed back and put aside everything just to laugh with her, and by evening we were having dinner together. From that day onwards I knew she's one of that rare shooting star which comes from nowhere and hit us hard, our memories, for a lifetime.

She said her first and only was not even brave enough to call her his and he has toyed with her feelings and made her felt stupid. Everytime I think back about it I feel the burning feeling of vaporizing him. She do not deserve this all, maybe back then things were different, but that small entertainment of his left a huge life changing scar on her. Over the years she have grown closer to guys but closed her heart to them.

I'm like at heaven's door after a 100000 step hike only to find it rigidly closed.

What's worse than a physical mortal wound is one which stays in the person forever and causes the person to spread it to others. I've got it from her who go it because of him. Condemnation of the opposite sex.

All my friends are girls but ever since this I've seen them differently, sadly to say. I can't stop this descrimination. Now I've got nothing, not even my own friends.

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