Thursday, April 29, 2010

I finally made myself go for a run, a run after so long of not running ever since the time I lose my motivation; that time.

I ran through the houses and ontop a hill and down it's backside and along Holland road back home. Yeah. Feels really good. It's a proven fact that running releases some "feel good" chemicals in our body and yeah. Haha.

On the way back while cooling down( I rather not enter my landlord's house than enter my house sweaty and dirty!) I walked around my block.

I wooed a cowcat and it actually came to me with my shit wooing. Hah. I was all sweaty around my upper body and squatting down and the poor fella who doesn't know shits came and rub it's body around mine. Or maybe the cat knows it's way dirtier than it looks....

Anyway. After some time I realised something. I've been leaving around this place and walking through the carpark every freakin day to the MRT yet it never really registered in me that the carpark have a openair rooftop. Just exactly the spacy and crowdless place nearby I've been searching for for months. A place to emo when a girl breaks your heart, too.

And on my way back I took a detour to a place so near yet so foreign- my block.

I've been staying here for 6 long months and the highest I've ever been is 2nd floor(my house). Infront of the stairs I accend and decend is a lift which goes up to 20, and uptill today everything going in and out of it is merely like a mechinical portal to nowhere I've ever considered.

Up there, with my block being one of the bigger blocks around the area, and 20 storeys high, translates to alot of houses and alot of people. Maybe like 500? Suddenly my comfort zone feels like it'd shrunk.

And like how Brendon puts it, we are indeed living in a land of pigeon holes.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Two Brown Spots

There's two brown spots on my legs, one on each knee. They are those you get when you leap forward and land on the knees.

It's not really as bad as it sounds but the most annoying part about it is it's constant presence.

And as expected, the only reason I would do something stupid like leaping forward and landing on my knees intentionally is for football. I used to play on the field and on the grass, nothing hurts. But yesterday, it was concrete ground.

It's one of those time where there's so much to bring into consideration( in this case: height of fall, speed of fall, momentum, direction and angle of contact, catalysts) and so little time to think when we just make a blind choice of no going back and do it.

The two brown spots on my knees are just a minute physical example of it. I noticed it happening almost every other time and most of the time I reckon I've made the best choice.

In the bigger picture, going to UK to spend the next 5 years of my life while actually not really having any plan about it's future, is pretty much the same as that.

Life's a Gamble with an Unknown Jackpot

Life is a gamble we play and with every choice we make we come closer to our value.

The value is one we can only interprate when life has passed us, say maybe at the age of 45.

In choosing the no risk way of doing things too, we are gambling that it goes according to plan and as all gambling goes, it also comes with a risk.

What Ifs

Every night this time of the week I'll pounder about the what if's of life. Look at the possibilities of outcomes from the decisions I choosed to pass.

...

In leaving my family when I was younger and lived on my own, I've matured alot. My friends are mostly those along the same fate at me, venturing out from our country at such tender age and left to fend for themselves.

It's awesome indeed, but sometimes I feel my parents owe me a normal teenagehood other teens had which I never truly knew.

It's like growing up normally till 17 and then in the next few years till now(21), we had grown as a super fast rate and now at 21 we are quite like a 25 year old-er. Of course it benefits to have the future come earlier, but it also means we had our present gone faster.

I had been wondering what would have happened if I was still in my hometown like most Singaporeans around me who are on the normal track. I would have many friends and known many people and years of experience with the things here, and I didn't need to keep on planning for the short term future like me, now.

I would have gone to collage near my house and driving would be my primary transportation rather than walking. That's just one of many many things I've exchanged in leaving my family and home for a blind shot at the future.

I've grown up (eversince moving to Singapore) living a life that main goal is to accomplish the fastest learning rate to adapt to an everchanging environment, so in the same time as my peers, I can see more of the world.

I've become impatient and restless and patience with time is something I've lost somewhere along the years.

Shutter Island

Just finished watching it and my mind is now in a mess.

If seeing is believing, then this movie is all about the opposite of that

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Small Gesture with a big meaning

Would you stand up against the way things are, against the flow,take a risk, for something you believe is right?

The new maid went against her orders when she once fed me with the landlord's leftover dinner soup, right behind the grandmonther's back.

She knew that either way she'll still throw it all away the next morning, I didn't need her sympathy for extra food nor I suspect really thought about the consequences if caught, all because she believed in something.

That as I've just realised,perhaps in Maynmar they never really had enough food to eat, and wastfulness is an unthinkable sin.

Salut!

The Untitled Dream

This is gonna be one of the stupidest shit you'll ever read on the blog and others, but heck, it's still a story to tell worthy rememnbering.

I dreamt last night that I was finally free from all my lifelong's obligations of working/family/etc, and that was the first day I truly have felt walking without the shackles of life.

I met a guy friend and being passive as I always am lately, I responded in a passive way.

He said long time no see!

He said let's get married.

I said okay, lets get married.

We got married that night.

Two fuckin guys. Married. He's taller, bigger built and more mascular than me so that kinda makes me the more female of us both?

And all along he had his female sidekick around, and I had Keat around. They both just watched us and complied with our drama without really saying a word the whole time.

I felt weird. Not because of the gayism, or the gay marriage or the less manly role of myself in it. I felt weird because Keat was there all along and she bore witness to it, and by keeping still like a stone I know she's a warzone inside.

The next day I felt it's been forever and I've got enough of this. I told him I wanted to divorse him. I think I did. And Keat was the same as ever, a stoner stoning.

The end.

And the whole dream as dream goes, happened because of the emotions I was feeling prior to sleeping. I rediscovered the part of me that missed Fiona. And in that dream which have everything to do with Fiona, she didn't fucking exist.

That's what it is. She doesn't fucking exist anymore.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Fate's Implied Karma




The movie/book The Lovely Bones have lots of fucking resemblence to my recent life.

It revolves around the past, of Suzie living a happy life and almost perfect life. Me, with Fiona in my mind. Every second spend is really valuable and treasured.

Then Suzie died for a stupid reason and only the memories of the past remains. Likewise, Fiona left for a stupid reason and I've only got myself to blame and memories of the past to hold me together from exploding into a million pieces of glass like how Suzie almost did in the movie.

Sunset, the moon and sunrise side by side. Living roses in the ice in a frozen white lake. A path to nowhere where we stand the the surrounding moves around us bring us there to nowhere. All a vivid real dream which can only be truly appreciated once it's gone. On cloud 9ine, that's exactly how I was when things were still sweet.

Every second of the lost past is then a drip of liquid gold.

Those close to her around her who cared for her took it really hard. The father went violent and smashing souvenirs from the time with Suzie. I did it in my own way too with the only person who really cared for me is myself; I couldn't let myself be the end of myself.

The others held on a thread of sanity for some time which is supposed to feel like eternity. I isolated myself and am at my lowest low in a longest years and it feel forever knowing there's no reason for tomorrow.

They picked themselves up one by one, piece by piece as the story went by, and so did I. Inch my inch, person by person, department by department, I picked myself up all on my own once again.

Now, every second with Fiona feels like a drop of blood, my past is seeping the life out of me.

And I was reading the lovely bones but stopped midway to enjoy the movie which I didn't because I thought back then it was stupid and unreal.

And the 'I watched it with' was nootherthan Fiona.

The split second times where I used to laugh with her is now a timeless sorrow pinned in me.

Still Human

Jordan Tan can we click a buttion and restart our life? There are some things I want to erase.
9 minutes ago · Only Friends · Comment ·Like


Was looking through Facebook and somehow ended up at Lance's profile page. Saw some pictures thinking I'll see my sister..

.. only to see Fiona's instead.

Fuck.

It really slapped my heart real hard.

I don't know is it the jealousy of lucky him having her around, the vengence spirit in me for fucking up the whole thing I once had, or just the innocent part of me wanting to be oblivious to facts and seeing it in the face.

Either way, I'll not dwell over it. Though my heart is soft now, again.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

In Hope There's Hope Part 1

Sometimes I feel if I actually write a book about all my phillosophies and principles in life, of life and from life, it may be a contender for the bestseller.

In real life I display that dumb nut-on-passive image half the time when the brain is thinking, and when it's not I'll talk. Kinda like inversly related. And people obvious get that perception that I am a dumn nut which I quite enjoy, of being able to surpass expectations (though that is little expectations to start with)

Anyway I wanted to write about this-

Hope is a very mysterious yet powerful element in our life. Even the strongest soldier may fall without hope, and the weakest prisoner may last with hope.

The popular mainstream ideology for a general accepted source of hope is religion. In believing that He exist and is overlooking them 24/7, they give hope to themselves to survive this life. This kinda makes up the majority of the population of mankind.

And then there's the minority, those who when asked will tell you either "I'm Hindu/Buddhist but I don't practice it" , or easier still, "I'm a freethinker". I'm one of those. I believe in the existence of a highest power, a creator, but not in the extraordinary forgiving and healing power of God himself.

I too run on my own dose of hope to function normally, but my source of hope isn't from God or any religion. I get my hope from simple things around me, by knowing that it helps a little and it will more with hope in it.

Like yesterday, while working I felt sleep. I went and get some coffee, and before drinking it I put my believe in it that this is the magical solution which will change my day. The coffee as it is already and scientifically proven, to help keep us more alert with the caffaine in it, but the addition of hope in it which acts as a subject for self furfilment, actually boost it so much more.

To be continued.

lol

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Work

I've been working for half a year already and I'm starting to think about a new job. I've got a diploma in Civil Engineering and the Land Surveying job I'm working at is actually just one of many areas covered under Civil Engineering





in a 30 hour academic week, we spend on average 5 hours on Surveying back then in poly



I never really had any passion for this specific field, but since it's my first full time course related job, I never really had a choice either. That's because in my field, fresh grads with zer0 field experience is as good as a no grad. Yeah.

I realised this morning on my way to work, that once the passion for working has faded, our future days are numbered. With that passive mindset on, our thoughts translates to actions and our days will be numbered.

I'm doing office field data processing work, and I've always been under my direct senior. In the past few months I've grown from a extra hand to a hand. Where I used to do what he deem is possible for me and useful to him, I do. Nowadays, I'm still like that, plus the littlebit more where I actually recommend to him what I think is a better option in the bigger picture for the benefit of us all, to spend my time and effort doing.

And I always tend to give 110% in making sure my work is the best that I can do, even when it goes unnoticed.

Today the boss called two of my seniors who makes up our department and had a long talk with them. I later found out that the boss thinks since our twin "auto" department can function with just one person, why does our "manual" job department requires two in me and my direct senior? Nevermind the why, he skipped that and asked them, in a short time two will do the job of one and we only need one.

Me and my direct senior, hand against hand, one's gotta go. On his side he has 3 years experience and me, 6 months. He covers my work and alot more too, while I do my work.



I still believe we are in this situation because of my department head who tasked me with assisting him for the past few months.

Not replicating him, not competing against him, not doubling him or bettering him, just assisting him.

As assist goes, I was never meant to better him and never had a chance to stand for myself?



On the flipside I reckon I'm a faster learner than him (though with attitude problems of my own), and my qualification at this stage allows diversity, making me not just a one trick pony.

This very morning before all this, I coincidentally felt that I'm overdue working here, and I'm wasting my time doing all this, something which is a sub-division of a sub-division of my actual course.

Initially when I started, I was doing shit work but I took pride in doing it because everyone starts with shit work, and also believing the future holds brighter prospect with patience in time.

But after all these months that certainly isn't true. They seem to not know nor bother to think of how to use me best. I've settled down doing the same old thing everyday, as a field data processer.

Data processer < Land surveying < Civil Engineering

or to be more specific

Part data processer , part office work < Technicians < Land surveying < Civil Engineering

which pretty much makes me an office boy

. . . .


Today he seemed to be really bothered about what my boss told him, and seem to be in a big dilemma too of having to chose between one of us. If it was me I would have chose myself first too, so I can't blame him. Besides, with overwhelming odds stacked against me I don't really stand any chance for any chance eh?

And he really seem to be more bothered about it then me in all seriousness. That's because ever since the day I accepted the job I set a deadline for myself regardless of anything asking me to stay, and that duration is May.
I know that working someone is only beneficial for a certain amount of time, afterwhich time becomes a liability, a loss.

That's about 6 months since I've started work in November 2009.

I've never told anyone from work about when exactly I am due, but the calling from the above came just at the right time. I haven't told anyone about this yet either, I don't know why haven't I, but I think it's the right thing to do.

I've always been like this, doing things now based on gut feeling without knowing why, and keeping faith that I'll find out the reason later on while making the right decision all along.

And I'm loving it.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Defination of Friendship

Choosing to not be there when someone is (unusually) down to their bare and naked self, vulnerable and helpless, is the ultimate evidence that you have failed as a friend.

That's my number 1 rule to friendship, and I've stuck to that as my foundation in choosing friends.

I've always been on the move between two countries for years and it's true people come and go all the time, but only a handful stays and grow old with us. Those who aren't there when you don't need them but are readily there when you need them.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Work

My work is one of those rare kind where from a 100 parts, 99 correct parts goes unnoticed and the 1 imperfection gets the negative attention worth of 100 parts or more.

Typical engineer's work. Now you know why engineers are paid and recognized highly; the fire on their ass is always hot.

Just a random thought.

I've been getting better at not letting my emotions affect my ability to work. No snowballing effect nowadays from bad fortune anymore.
I'm like a crab- may be intimidating outside but definately hollow inside.

I seriously don't feel shit nowadays.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Dear Sis,

At time of writing you are already far far on your way away. You know I can never admit it, what a wonderful sister you mean to me, which explains why you are reading it here.



I used to live in your shadows, that ended the day I moved out from the only house we knew then.



I know and you realised how I've always been a pain to the ass for you and also one of your most consistent cause of heartaches, but I just want to let you know again that that was all just a show. In my eyes you had certain alarming shortcomings and in trying to repair and prepare you I had to be your worse enemy.

And yet that shortcoming is the main reason you keep coming back to me.

All I had intended was to show you things I see, that life isn't always a sweet and controlled. We grew up together in the same world but two different dimension, you're always the number one with papa and mama shielding you from reality, while I'm always only see the opposite of that. Time has changed and they can't be with us and I took over the responsibility to guide you, the responsibility to connect you back to reality. You were always in lalaland and by being your worse enemy closest to you I hope I'd been the closest link you were having.

I had walked out into the unknown, and now is your turn. Things will never be the same again.

I've told you many times but I think it never gets registered in you, that it's much easier to just ignore and walk along, but I choose to engage. All those times we fight over the smallest of matter were demonstrations that nobody is always no.1 all the time. You grew up believing in that and in coming to Singapore's workforce, RE have been your rough awakening.

The problems I've caused are just a lesser, easier digestible dose of reality compared to your work to bridge the massive gap of your belief and the reality.

I've always been proud to be able to spend the time living with you as your roommate because I know we owed each other teachings to the other. I had learn more about myself from you and I hope you had learned more than me from me.

You'll be going to US and you'll be all alone this time, and I hope all that I've thought you will prepare you better for your next chapter in life. My physical presence ends here but I hope the influence I had left on you will walk with you there. Who knows where will we meet again in one year's time but worry not because our time is short, life is filled with turns and surprises so don't waste your time worrying. And don't worry bout me I'll be fine, I always have.

Money will bring you far, but only until so far. You will have to discover the rest of life's journey by your own after that.

And p/s:
1. If you're feeling sad, don't look at the pictures; it will only make you sadder.
2. Don't waste your time missing the past, spend your time trying not to waste your present by missing on your past.
3. And stop giving reasons why things cannot be done, and start giving excuses why things can be done.


Have a great time ahead.
When I broke up with my first girlfriend, I was in the taxi moving out of her house and was thinking real real. I've been with her for 2 years plus and despite being a veteran in this relationship thing, there's one part I still haven't gone through- the finale, the breaking up part.

The relationship's glory days have came and gone, the feeling just history. The ingredience to the end has been piling and when Fiona came into my life she was the final straw which got the ball rolling. It was always coming to this end, it's just a matter of time.

I was confused and didn't know how to feel nor react, but as time passed by I eventually found my way through.

. . .

Similarly in Fiona's lovedrunk case, I've had my on high days and low days and now I feel, it's time to move on. To eventually move on.

It's totally normal to move on after every fall, to stay in this state indefinately is abnormal (and more importantly, unhealthy)

I've finally let go of her. It's barely been a fully week since she told me on Monday but in this short time I felt like I've seen a long time worth of. . worths.

I'm not the same as before now but I know now I have a physical weakspot/softside in Fiona. If I'm having a really rough time, the thought of having her at just one call away help cure it.

on the flipside the emotions conjured from a particular time and situation can never be replicated identically twice agian.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Why?

What is the real reason she says she don't deserve me?

I've been speculating alot about the reasons why she said so (and not say any more) and will continue till I find out.

Could it be because of her ex?
could it be because of something of her past?
because of someone important to her now in the present
because she just wants to not make me fall anymore by telling me an answer I want to hear?
is it the easiest way of damage limitation?

for more click Here.




I wanna know


It's just the natural curiousity of every engineering student to start with a Why. We are your everyday problem solvers afterall.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I Appear To Be Working Everyday at Work (but my mind never fully is)

I woke up this morning, I sat upright against my wall and as reality seeps in, I wondered what am I doing here. Living this purposeless life, waking up every morning sleeping every night, going to work.

I really had nothing to truly look forward to nowadays when I wake up.

I sat by the window and my sister pointed out the morning sky today is orange. Unusual and heavenly beautiful. I agreed verbally, but inside I don't feel anything. I've lost the feeling of beauty, peace, hope, harmony, and everything positive. I'm like a zombie living in a dead city, a burned carcas in the aftermath of a forest fire, I'm like Heades in the underworld.

I'm living on all the bad emotions; hate, anger, pain, death, sorrow, fights, arguement, regrets. All the good have gone with her out of my life.

My sister asked my two nights ago out of totally nowhere, How's Fiona? I said " She's okay."

Ofcourse she is. I'm not.

Last night my sister told me out of she same nowhereness, Fiona rejected you right?

I've always been a great pretender to my sister but the sorrow in me was more than anything before that she could even see right through my best effort. I told her "It's none of your business."

It hurts to hurt my sister but I'm already so used with hurt it feels normal.

The past two months I wake up with her on my mind, but ever since I woke up from that dream she's just a myth. I won't ever see her again, I won't ever get the same cheerful and caring her back.

Life brought me this opportunity and I failed it, I literally killed the myself of old. In time I'll get over her, in time another person will comin to my life and maybe be better than her, but the extraordinary height she made me brought myself to in such short period and little contact is something I doubt will ever be replicated.

My first gf, I took 3 months to develope the feeling but in fiona it reached twice the height in less than half the time. And the most unforgiving part I can never let go of is living in the brink of a huge bright prospect but fumble just when I almost touched the sky.

She keeps on saying she do not deserve me;I deserve better, but thing is, to me there's no any other better than her. She's asking me to find something non existant. She's asking me to kill the wind, to swim in a sea of gold, to climb to the moon.

In what way are you inperfect? Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder and I have never been able to see anything inperfect in you. This is like a sweet line excript from Google, but only it's original.

In my eyes I only see myself imperfect for her. I've always got everything I wanted one way or another, but Fiona's been my first significant failure in life.

It's like walking in darkness and just when we are confident that it is safe to walk to walk around, we fall into a big fucking hole. And never get out of it again.

Yesterday morning while out my way out the sister played Jason Mraz and Colbie's Lucky.



Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard


The chorus, we sang it, differently.

Sis: "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friendddd... "

As the same time I sang this, naturally following the flow

Jordan: "I'm sorry I'm in love with my best friend.. "

Sister: soRRY?

Jordan: soRRY? (what?) ( ohhh)

I'm really sorry for your time I've wasted but if you could see what I've gone through, you would realise what a feat it all is.

I was never even meant to meet you. On the first day of CNY I was at Johore and only came back to Singapore when my best friend from my hometown cancelled her date with me last minute. I came back, sister told me she got some bullshit collegue's party tomorrow and I thought why not, heck, just come. CNY is supposed to be a time of happiness and work has been too boring. I went, I met her, her were standing inbetween both girls but she stole my breathe away. I knew I liked her I just didn't know how close are we gonna know each other. Maybe it is a fuckin one time thing, meet and greet and dissapear. In the passing few hours I took control of fate almost by the neck and made it work. I played cards to talk to her, I stayed back and put aside everything just to laugh with her, and by evening we were having dinner together. From that day onwards I knew she's one of that rare shooting star which comes from nowhere and hit us hard, our memories, for a lifetime.

She said her first and only was not even brave enough to call her his and he has toyed with her feelings and made her felt stupid. Everytime I think back about it I feel the burning feeling of vaporizing him. She do not deserve this all, maybe back then things were different, but that small entertainment of his left a huge life changing scar on her. Over the years she have grown closer to guys but closed her heart to them.

I'm like at heaven's door after a 100000 step hike only to find it rigidly closed.

What's worse than a physical mortal wound is one which stays in the person forever and causes the person to spread it to others. I've got it from her who go it because of him. Condemnation of the opposite sex.

All my friends are girls but ever since this I've seen them differently, sadly to say. I can't stop this descrimination. Now I've got nothing, not even my own friends.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Bad Memories Fade but Sweet Memories Stays





I've made lots of mistakes to her and I'll forever regret it, but I still treasure the sweet moments when I was living in cloud nine of mine. She gave the reason to wake up in the morning, to travel to work, to work better and push it harder. She gave me a reason to believe in everything I do and she is always the one who makes my day. Just reading her smses on nothing means everything to me. I would challange myself to push it harder just to get the reward of opening her sms. I know I sound crazy but during the past two months, she's the only one running though my mind at night, in the morning, day and basically every other time.

There's a saying that goes, Brave isn't the absence of Fear, but the judgement of something more important than fear itself.

When I think of her back then, I have absolutely no fear at all. There's nothing I won't get into, nothing I won't do for her. If she tagged along, I would travel all the way to the other end of the island just to see her for dinner, I really would.

Like the end of Pirates of the Carribean, the dude waits 1000 days in eternity just to spend one day with the lady.

During the past two months I've never complained about work or hesitate to do OT, because everything I wanted is already here. I have no reason to travel 1 hour home because the moment is with me everytime. She's always in my mind.

Her long legs, her big eyes and big smile, her long hair, her abit weird personality, her caring and compassionate attitude, I knew she was the one. I just didn't know how to get her, and in trying I messed it up big fucking time and now she's like a fish swimming into the open sea, like a bird into the sky. She's never coming back.

Everytime I think about her now I'm just so fucking hate myself. For wasting an opportunity I never knew ever existed, for being too fast, for not controlling myself more. I tried my best but perhaps my best to her is still a world's gap away.

The hardest part I realised today, is walking into a new territory and having love it like never ever before, coming so close to something really big, only to have it all crumble before us like it was all a dream. Maybe it was, it now is. She's gone. It might take me yearsssss to ever feel like this again. Sometimes I just feel letting the sorrow inside out by crying, but the tears isn't there. Sometimes in the train when I listen to sweet love songs and think about her, my eyes just gets watery.

I'm not trying hard nowadays to stay away from her but the emotions in me will always be a scar in my heart. It will never go away. Harsh, unfortunate, but real.

If I'm gone tomorrow, they can be sure I've something left behind. Time heals, but some things are trapped in time and will never full recover.

I've always been proud to admit that I live life with no regrets, but now there's one.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

More Than Just Luck?

There's this one senior of mine from work who plays soccer with us every Weds, and there's something special about .. him.

To start with, he isn't the best among us or anything near that, and it shows the gulf in class between us.

They all said he haven't scored a single goal for the past year and it is all fluke.

But for the past few consecutive weeks he have been scoring goals, awkward goals in awkward ways. He couldn't attack but last week he happen to be infront of the goalpost and the ball rolled to him off a rebound. The previous week before that he happen to again be infront of goal when somehow the ball hit him and went in. The week before that he scored 3 goals in a freakin game.

And today, he miskicked a wild ball, it hit his SHIN and bounced for like 10 meters and into the 1m wide goal, through the legs of the keeper. That is beyond possible and how it happen is beyond me.

He boast about it because it's supposed to be a rare event and even joked about scoring nowadays before the match, but he actually does scores.

I'm scoring goals too but that is less to do with luck though.
.....

I realised today something we have in common.

As footballing terms goes, players are said to have " forms ". Sometimes they are off form, sometimes on form. (when they are on form things just happen to go their ways and in this case, he score goals out of nothing). While I'm less relient of luck, I still depend alot on form.

It seems that when a few good things are stringed together(be it by skill or luck), we gain the momentum and the believe that it will continue. That good things grow. And in doing so, our mind subconciously clicks and works in a mysterious way that makes it work.

Similarly, when we have one of those bad days where shit after shit happens to happen.

.....

Just another observation from soccer today.

Too close for comfort

As a Land Surveyor, one of my work involves installing points on the ground for reference in the future. They are nothing more than just the ordinary nail/plastic cover/screw partially implanted into the footpath/road/fire hydrant/ wall. They serve as a known point to measure the height of the land compared to the sea level.

Anyway.

I know this all along but ever since I've work at my Land surveying company, they become more and more obvious. I just see them everywhere I go; those are stuff infront of us which we never happen to notice.

Just for fun, one day (after I quit my company and work for gods sake), I'm gonna go around and vandalize a few of them. Just for fun. Just to give the technician/engineers/workers using them a little thing(s) for thought. Haha.

But for now, back to work.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Painful Lesson

By posting this I hope to gain more strength and stronger reasons to do this. All the best to myself.

p/s Jordan: ask yourself this- How much do you really want this?


I wrote this down on my journal post-Fiona . By posting this up I increased the stake of keeping to my words and I hope to pass this. I will announce when I've fully pass this test of mine even if it takes years to overcome.


.................

Major Weakness

1. Emotions are too strong and uncontrollable and takes over me at times.

Why Did Fiona run away?

- I pressured her.

How did I do it?

- I sms her everyday

Why so often?

- Because I keep thinking of her and I can't control my emotions. I developed unbasis feelings for her prematurely.

Why?

I think too much and gave myself too much false/uncertain hope for success. I never considered failure and in doing so, spoiled the balance necessary in a relationship. Like a typical optimist but instead of keeping it in me I spilled it out and overcross the border and played with external factors thinking it is all under my control.

I should have controlled my emotions. I can say it now but it is too late. Opportunity came and is gone.

The signs were already there since early when I smsed her my true feelings for her in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep. I should have controlled that harder.

The deeper problem which leads to that is all because I gave myself too much hope too early when the feeling isn't anything near mutual. By pushing for one step nearer to her she's taking one step further away from me. Maybe it's because I know very well how to push but don't know how to pull. I know how to go but I don't know how to un-go.

It's like driving on a highway with only an accelerator but no brakes. I can go fast and faster but I don't know how to slow down. Eventually I'm bound to crash like I did now.

And I never learned on it either.


I must start by keeping my mind stable at night, the verdict of degree of success/failure is only to come from the most truthful part of me to judge it. If I can overcome this demon of me I am already half way there.

I must stop pushing to initiate things when they don't work. I must stop retrying to do it even harder when it doesn't work out. I need to pull back, I need to learn to know how to pull back.

I'm tempted to sms Fiona now to read this and I'm lying to myself that I'm not doing it to try to get a second chance.

I'm in this deep pit of shit from my own undoing gradually collecting over the years, and now there's nothing that is going to save me unless I start fixing myself. There is no hope for a devine power or chance to clear this mess for me and I am ready to face it myself. I'm not gonna pray and hope for a miricle change of mind from her because it is just bypassing the problem. In time it will happen again unless I overcome it.

I should be grateful for the short existence of Fiona in my life. I've never known anyone with that name and I won't want to be associated with anyone with that name for a long long time till I overcome this demon of mine.

She thought me important lessons.

1. I plan too much ahead and lose touch of the reality of the present, and destroy everything before they even got a chance to work.

I planned to bring her to Sentosa for a nightwalk on the beach at Pahlawan, to East coast part in the morning and along the old backalley of Chinatown at night, when she don't even want to meet me for dinner.

I'm not a failure, whoever is reading this can laugh at me if you want to. I'm just trying to improve myself in overcoming my shortcomings. I've always been self fixing and that's a small part I can be happy about, to have pride in writing this lesson out to the world.

2. I'm too emotional.
I fall for girls very very easily and next, I have big plans to be with them when they don't even know me. Only I-Vy knows about this till now.

3. I'm inpatient, single-minded, stubborn and insensitive.

This combined was the superficial reason how I chased her away. The greater underlying problem behind this is what I need to overcome.

Fiona if you're reading this I just want you to know it's not your fault at all. Stop saying sorry for my mistakes. I'm grateful for having met you and sorry for the trouble I've caused.

4. I relate and connect the future's potential with the present reality in a impossible, never gonna work way. I then respond to them like we are already 2 steps ahead in our relationship, and the difference in that is what chases them away.

Once, I had this friend Jess. We had our share of great time together in Cambodia and things worked out so well, till at a point we were really close in Singapore. Then she showed signs that I'm taking it too far. She finally ended our friendship because of my nonsense (in point 4 above)

And yet I didn't learn.

I told myself I will troubleshoot what went wrong but I didn't. My fuckin mistake.

Years later an identical scenario repeats itself this time it's Fiona. She came into my life and I cause my own fate with my own undoing. I failed twice. That is really hard to take. I need two invitation to start and that's not good enough for today's standard. Sometimes in life they are things which only comes once and when it's gone, it's really and truly gone.

The good news is that Fiona may not be the worse miss of all yet. There still are bigger stakes which haven't happen and I'm gonna try to change my fate.

- I forget about my past mistakes. All this while when I had Fiona in the back of my mind I never notice how similar it is to the Jess case. How the outcome was gonna be the same with the same unchanged attitude in me.

- I only hear what I want to hear most of the time. When people respond, I do filter hearing, I filter the facts and restructure it into what I want to hear, and misinterprate it.

I have failed Ms Melinda Martin's Effective Interpersonal Communication lesson.

I can't keep on making mistakes to learn from and improve on in life. It is too time and opportunity costly and I need to develope a new method better than this to implement in life.

I need to strike it when present with half a chance, rather than multiple chances. One way I learned recently from work is to do it with the heart. Think with the heart as Chinghan calls it. To do a work with a sincere intention of getting it done perfectly in one, instead of waiting for the results and work on the mistakes.

I cannot wait for mistakes to learn from them. It used to work in the past but now the stakes are greater. In still not changing my method already is a mistake.

I need to take things slowly. I'm a superfucking impatient person when I'm excited. Time is a friend and ally only when it is respected.

Finally, to move forward I need to first let go of the past. I will not ask for another chance from her. Do as you wish but I'll do my best to let you go. As much as I want you, I'm gonna secrifice you for the future.

I will do it.

Monday, April 12, 2010

This whole mess I am in has always been a gamble since day 1, and quite self inflicted

I know about the conventional way of getting it done but I don't have the luxury of time to win her heart, so I gambled on the unconventional way- the express way. Double the effort, double the dedication, double the risk, halfed the time and yes, double the pain.

I'm at rock bottom nowadays I can't even smile to the grandmother like I always do. It's that bad.

I am falling sick and with this mentality I'll never recover from any sickness. I walk slower, think slower, eat slower, everything slower. The extra power she gave me when I was flying is the same chunk of energy she takes away from me when I'm down.

I'm depressed, yes. I admit it. Nothing else matters already. If i get asked to leave from work tomorrow because of poor attitude, I'll have no complains.

Sometimes thinking about her leaves me with that butterfly-in-stomach feeling. Sometimes, I'm so lost I feel that everything around me are just melting away. Except me. Soon I'll have nothing.

Texas is omg

Sharon said she saw Texas wearing a purple collar

a PURPLE collarrrrrrrrr

PURPLE is GAY

what have they done to you la dog in my absence!

Self Reflection


Jordan Tan realised I am one of those who may be pressured, humiliated, rejected and all but will never admit defeat.
50 minutes ago ·Leonard Tan likes this.


-oh anyway about my facebook nick
-the one where i never surrender
-what do you think about that statement with your long history as my brother
-but it has to been of recent years ever since ive moved to singapore, the change started there

@~Aeon_Leon~@ says:
-that must be where ur kia su when to
-ur sometimes one hard nut to crack
-but at least you do take some as structured criticism

Jordan says:
-well kiasu is one thing, i am not kiasu
-kiasu means scared to lose
-i am not scared to lose, i admit defeat where it is due, but i do not concede defeat
-admit is telling out to everyone
-concede is telling it to yourself that you are not worthy, cant be worthy to win
-that is surrendering, that is giving up
-i admit defeat but i don't give up
-i'll always come back and try better in time
-unless im not bothered to do so, the absence of a motive. like playing guitar against you

@~Aeon_Leon~@ says:
-personally being your brother
-you like to boast

Jordan says:
haha
-that i know
-just part of me
-but that has nothing to do with my question
-i think i end up having the like to boast image because i don't quite know how to express my emotions and convey my point out correctly, so resort to a alternative less accurate manner
which isnt the point anyway

@~Aeon_Leon~@ says:
-kay
-tat makes sense

Jordan says:
-haha
-i just cant be bothered to go the extra mile to change someones mind eventhough i know i am correct, thats my bad
-but when they find out the hard way what ive said is true all along, then the way i react to the situation seems alot like boasting
-told you not to do that, told you i was right

-anyway, you havent answered me yet
-what do you think of my statement on FB, from your experience of close relationship with me as my brother
-realised I am one of those who may be pressured, humiliated, rejected and all but will never admit defeat.

@~Aeon_Leon~@ says:
-hmm
-very good explaination about u
-its soo true
-never admit one
-when i say never
-i mean NEVER

Jordan says:
-lol
-never you mean, as in never say I did wrong, OR, say I did wrong but never accept it as a fact and give up?
-if the the first then that's not what i was expecting

@~Aeon_Leon~@ says:
-well you've expected correctly

Jordan says:
-okay tell me more
-what do you think about me
-take soccer maybe for example
-i remember playing against that red shirt pacey winger
-when i'm up for it to get him, i'll chase him all the way
-even if it results in almost no difference
LOL

-usually people will think since it will make no difference at all, why bother to chase
-but i'll just chase because i want to
-eventhough i know it will not change anything

@~Aeon_Leon~@ says:
-thats good
-but youve got one part wrong
-the part that you think you w0uld not make a difference

Jordan says:
-that is obviously not true too
-its just like rounding up
-most of the time it wont, but sometimes it will but that sometimes is really remote so can be -ounted as none
-whichever which i'll still run just to chase him
-totally out of pride and ego, to show him that i'm gonna give him hell
-even when it hurts the lungs so badly lol
-its all worth it

-thats what i mean by admitting defeat ( in not changing the outcome significantly) but not giving up( I tried my best)
-attitude like this makes more enemies on the pitch and friends off the pitch
-opponent hate it but observers look up upon it
-commitment without question

@~Aeon_Leon~@ says:
-nice to see
-not so nice to touch

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Just Like Me, They Long to Be

Today during work I was hearing this one particular song the whole day to make the lovesick a little more bearable.

I even planned to post it on the blog in dedication to Fiona.


. . .

But we argued at night and it left a new and deep realization in me.

Girls of this kind is what makes guys condemn girls of that kind.



. . .

But just for the fun of it, this is for you Fiona.

Parent's Paid for my Overseas Studies and got more than they expected

Sometimes situations suggest evidence about a theory of why I'm different- because I don't have a family.

Ofcourse I have my parents and a brother, but to have moved out of my home since 17 and fend for myself in a foreign land, 4 years later there bound to be some changes somewhere.

Whenever people do bad things and escapes the cruel reality of life by turning to their family, I just feel that they are living in fantasy land.

The place where things will always be alright tomorrow morning.

For me, the only way things will be alright tomorrow morning is not running back to my family's support, but to face the problem now.

I've grown up with many fears but have overcomed many. Dental, check. Lingual, check. Social, check. Confidence, check. Physique, check.

Maturity, check.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Texas taught me



This is Texas ( fullnamed Texas Tembien; my sister adds a Tan in the middle because we are all Tans)

He is 7 years old human years. That's according to my brother who's figure is according to his own estimation which I never really trust. I reckon Texas is about 6-8 y/o

We've grown up together for many years, but ever since I left home I only see him every once in a few months. He still remembers me everytime I come back after months of being away in Singapore, and his kind of display of missing me is something I also get when I don't come back overnight.

Or possibly the other way. The reception I get for not coming back overnight is the same as when I come back after months. Whichever, his emotional intelligence kinda impresses me.

Ever since I've been away, I'm prepared myself for the day I get news that he is gone, be it accidental,fated or expired. That is part of the joy in seeing him everytime when I come back home.

When the eventually eventually happens, I won't shed a tear. I promised myself that the day I left home. I will remember how this biological coincidentially-collided-with-me creature left sweet memories in me. I have many dogs before since young but this is the only 1 I call a true friend.

In time, I'll put this lesson into peoples of my life, starting with my parents.

Texas taught me a walk to remember.
The person we are.

Consist of say, half good and half bad.

The idea is to eliminate the bad while nurturing the good to better.

And then that's where the person we are not, but should be comes into the picture.

By being a person possibly unnatural to ourself but contains strats which compliments the developement of ourself, we benifit from it.

In doing so, we have multiple charecters. We have multiple options and alternatives to any aspect. In doing so, we can change depending to the need of the situation.

In not doing so, we are putting ourself in a handicapp position. It took me years to realise this but I did.

When the Past does not suggest a clearer insight of the Future

Once upon a time the house had 6 occupants- the 5 family members plus a maid

My father said, One day you'll all go separate ways so treasure the time now when you all are still here together

Roll time forward and I left for Singapore overnight after my O'level results came out in 2006, my sister followed soon after her A'levels result came out in early 07, my brother somehow survive the loneliness and in early 2010 he got his O'levels results. He's on his way out too.

My sister is going to US soon, then me to UK. My brother will be half the world away around home.

Sometimes I wish part of me could always be by their side to support them when they are lost, when they are down, when they are they. Can I take out a chunk of my meat and be with them? Doubt so. But you get the point.

Life's harsh.

I learnt last time, when life's harsh it's because we are just inexperienced. Still maybe true.

Something about Quarry facinates me

One of the things I want to do before I die is to jump into a quarry again, and swim downwards to the bottom of nowhere.

But I'll make sure I warm up or else if cramp strikes, I'll be part of the quarry for eternity.

And as we grow older and have more at stake than just our life, the possibility of actually doing it becomes even more remote. That is, for another day to discuss.
If anything, it seems that these upbeat trance music has the power to cover the sorrows inside.

If anything too, perhaps that's why I've grew a liking for these kind of music since long ago.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Some things takes a second to conjure but forever remembered


Fiona, you know I like you rightttttttttt



when she asked why, i replied without really thinking, i said this:

Because you're eveyrthing i want in a person i can truly spend my effort caring for

I can give you 1001 reasons but you still won't understand the way i feel for you



Erm okay. but you can tell that i treat you only as a friend right? don't be offended, you are a nice guy. but it is just that i just met you not too long ago and i don't have that kinda feeling for you


Yeah i know.
I don't expect you to fall for me either because we don't know each other in person. I really respect your decision but I just want you to know how i feel towards you.
You can play me as a friend but i'll treat you better than others you know that.
If there's anything i can do for you, I will.

Monday, April 5, 2010

To Kill the MockingBird

I used to be very conservative and always miss out on things I want. And I would curse myself for being myself.

Then I changed into another type of mentality, I'll do now just so that I won't regret it in the future. It works for most part but somewhere somehow I still lose out of somethings( more specifically, some people)

And now it seems like I've found a new priciple. I'll do it and you can laugh at me for looking stupid, but that's just a small exchange for the massive boost it does to my confidence and my morale. This now feels like the opposite of the conservative me of last time.

Maybe I'll strike it right this time. I hope so.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

To Fiona Ng Shiaun Ling :)

I have something I want to say to Fiona but under the circumstances I'm in telling her isn't the right thing to do. I don't know yet how to handle situations like this as I'm still learning myself, but for now I'll do with this.

(and thankfully I've my own neutral ground platform to share this with the world from- my blog)

Sometimes the feeling I have for you I blame it on the songs I listen to, like Avaition- You're My Everything, Switchfoot- On Fire(I'm on fire when you're near me), Red Jumpsuit Apparatus- Your Guardian Angel and Coldplay's Viva La Vida( Be my mirror my sword and my shield).

Every night when I go to sleep I'll lie to myself I've got more important things to think of like tomorrow, and there's no need to think about you because I don't like you. But the truth is it's self denial. I like you, I don't know you well enough in person to love you, but I like you.

I know in a short few months time you might be in NTU or some other singapore Uni, and I might be halfway across the world and the only connection to you is the internet evenwhich you are half the world away's time difference.

I know we don't each other well and I'm always trying to be at my best when I meet you but I really like the positive prospect I see in you, the future with a person I like what I look at.

I'm getting this off my chest off my chest off my chest.

The moment I first met you I found your name new and beautiful and honestly I even required effort to remember your name. Back then when I met you at my sister's work collegue's party, we have no reason to even ever cross path again, but I was so determined to make it work that I played the game to talk to you, I lied and bluffed with the rest to act stupid and tease you, to talk to you, to make you talk and adknowledge me, to know you and keep in touch with you.

Sometimes I still think how on earth did I be so lucky to have you with me for dinner after that, and the momories of that success will always be my rainbow in memory.

Sometimes I reason to myself that you are still young and don't see things from my aged perspective but it hurts back when I think about the future that one day all your friends will go as you've found a special one and that's not me, and I'll be nothing to you. That day comes, and I might breakdown and cry and hurt myself maybe, but it won't change anything already then.

With my sister around I feel like on top of the world by being better in almost every aspect than her (IMO) but when I'm with you, you cut through my armour, my aura of confidence and invincibility.

I know life is long and we all have many many more years to live, but I've always believed in my principles in doing what we do now to never regret it later. I know on day I'll find an equivilant of you, a different person I equally know little of, a person with a physique I rate 10/10 like you, but I will never, ever, forget you. You're my first and firsts never go away.

I admit things were rough and dull with my current when I met you and you were the reason my last string for holding on snapped. I've been keeping a lookout and I know what I've been looking out for and I found that in you the moment I saw you. I was determined to make it work at any cost and I really hope it will work.

I think of you all the time, I take pleasure in not thinking of you but I can't and I know you're getting sick of me as the feeling isn't mutual but I'm alright with it. Love is when two person feels the same way to each other, but when it's only one way then the person is gonna suffer a slow and silence death. Oh, and I haven't even loved you yet.

You are the reason I don't mind being girlish, being faminine, being soft, being outspoken, being scolded, being laughed at, being hated upon, being praised upon, being being upon, because you give me a purpose in life, a core to center my life around, a reason to keep moving forward, a reason I live. You make me up all my standards by 1 just to make myself feel deserving to think of you.

I know you don't feel the same way and I'm just another irritating despo to you but I'm fine with it. I'm still learning and am not perfect but I can proudly say I'm trying my best.

There'll only be one Fiona :)

All in a day's work

Humans have five senses we all learnt that in school

Sometimes I like shutting out all these 5 senses after a long period of being productive

I'll not move and feel and taste nothing, I'll stop smelling, I'll plug in the earphones and play my by default music and hear nothing, and close my eyes. I'll clear my mind too by thinking of nothing.

The darkness of nothingness it creates is peaceful and relaxing.

In the face of

In the face of darkness we see the light

In the face of hardship we see character

In the face of nothingness we see everything we've done or we've missed

In the face of adversity we see the reason of hope

In the face of a countdown timer we see value in time

In the face of pain we see pleasure

In the face of trouble we see comfort

and

In the name of a person I see everything I've never bothered to notice. I saw a purpose.

amazing how a person can mean (almost) the world to me

to: someone

I'm on fire when you're near me

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Changes are Imminant

The sister asked, Do you think I've change since I've started work?

---

Changes happen all the time. Where there is time, there is change. People change with time.

By comparing it to a constant rate of change of the great population and the average individual, only are we able to grade a person's particular rate of change- slower(lagging behind), faster(ahead of), or normal(as expected).

And then there's the drastic change- the change while changing

It is only correct to say if "I had change ^ change in time".


Change / Time = [constant]
Change^Change / Time = [constant]^2

Meaning, like a quadratic equation, when changes are presented as a constant, there is a constant growth of the lenier line. And when that is implied on human in relation with time, the subject is considered Changing in respect with the constant rate of change.

Similarly, they are people who don't want to change, against time, but they still change eventually.

Changes are cruelly imminant.

---

I told her this: " It's as expected "

Self Reflection

I was talking to sister and my Fiona, Fiona and my sister I mean.



I - Talk - Fiona

Sister - Talk - I



I realised when I talk(preplanned), my image become more vulnerable and worse due to poor exacution.

And when I am talked to(spontanious, responce), my intelligence shines

Somehow, my life's formula of perfect balance isn't quite balance yet.