Friday, December 31, 2010

Nostalgia at Differentiating the Needy from the Fakers

After a long day out and really drained, I reached back to my room and was relaxing down. Barely 10 minutes later someone knocked on my door and upon asking him whats the matter, he asked me if I could help give some idea for his assignment to him.

Naturally I was obviously pissed at his timing and was thinking of the nicest way of rejection. He got a phone call and as he was conversing in Arabic I took the opportunity to just sit back infront of my computer and continue to relax. The plan for the problem at the door? None. Relaxing is fun.

As I composed myself my thoughts starts asking myself, have we not done this too many times before already in the past? Of turning away people in need simply because I reckon I'm not in the mood for it.

Then I thought for a change, I would try the opposite.

I thought about that girl from the cafe which despite having a very low profile, she wouldn't shy away if someone who needs her help asked her for a favour. Even if it comes to nothing or worse, I'm wrong, atlease I can take some peace from giving. I would give it a try, now.

I told him to come in. I opened my heart to actually listening to him and helping him as best as I practically can. I helped him. After about 10 minutes we found the good stuff as the foundation for his assignment. He said thanks and left.

dot dot dot

On my way to the showers I realised that despite the massive internal anti-support, helping actually takes a quick while. Perhaps a little too quick. Perhaps if he didn't come to me he would have spent 10x the effort and 10x the time to get something of that standard due to his language and origin( he's from Arab) disadvantage.

Maybe I've been stereotyping people too much and when the real cry for help comes knocking on my door, I turn them away faster than the time it takes to blink an eye.

At the end of the day, despite how I despise society, we all still need each other. One day when I go to a foreign land and find the locals for help.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Dear Sister

This is going to be a quick one because it's 3 o' clock in the morning and I jumped out of bed to type this down.

Dear Sister.

I had a dream last night. Dream isn't as accurate a word I could think of right now but I'd rather that than deja vu.

It's five years in the future from now and you are newly wed. Perhaps been 6 months since getting married but so early on the cracks started to appear. Somehow I hear about your problem, your marriage problem, like all your problems that somehow always end up at my ears and it's not a good sign. Husband problem. But married already, how? Game over?

I could solve all your problems for you one by one in the ideal universe but in reality I have my own life to live too and I can't be the back up plan all the time. I can go and bash him up and fix the problem the hard way or the soft way but it's only a matter of time before another one crops up, no?

Best is if we could avoid all this problem syndrome altogether. Maybe that's the reason why I had that dream. It got me thinking about my stance towards this matter and envision my response if it was true. Like a needle, poking me with it makes me feel pain and react. No needle, no pain, no Jordan reaction.

I want to add something on top of all that passive thoughts. That you know, if we were half a room away like back then and not half a world away like now, I would want to tell you this.

That I really don't mind between the three of us siblings, if I had the choice, I would hope the best for both of you and opt for the worst to befall me. The sucky family problems? Give me. The problematic spouse? Mine. The unrest in both your mind? I'd take. All the negativity in you? Pass it to me. I can take this sort of shit and still make a light in the future.

I know we grew all grew up together and somewhat have the same family background but perhaps it's just my personality. Gifted to tolerate and transmute shit into peace. I've the self belief that tomorrow is always a better day.

If all that gives peace to my mind, I would.

Let me sleep in peace.

All the above is true and I understand the interpretation of it is individualistic.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Malaysia Boleh

Newspaper: Asian Football Federation Suzuki Cup: Malaysia beats Indonesia 3-0, thanks to laser beams

I'm starting to have a liking for Malaysia's football team

















How not to?

Monday, December 27, 2010

Lets Let The Car Break Down

One mundane afternoon on the routine way back from cafe to hostel in car came a brilliant idea/fantasy of a break from the mundane routine.

I'd imagined on one really free day we should do something crazy just for the fun of it.

We would drive the car along the normal route and when it's exactly infront of the females hostel block during the peak hour of human traffic the car would mysteriously break down.

Car breaks down and out comes the real guys in the guys.

And having no choice we would have to fix it the old school way.

The hard way.


Off goes the shirts and on comes the shades.

So under the afternoon sun we would have to change the (not) flat tyre. And in order to do that we would have to dedicate our priceless energy into opening the boot first to take out the spare tyre.


And before doing that we would have to also open the bonnet, erm.. to.. check for 6 foot long reptiles who might have sneaked into the engine, stayed there and is asking for trouble.

Yes. It's all part of the process of fixing the car.



And have the serious yet calm and cool expression painted all over our faces.

All to fix a mysteriously broken car that so happen to actually be even more mysteriously, not broken after all.

Oh well

The Guy

I'm writing this for three reasons:

1. To prove to myself I can still write out my concepts
2. To prove to myself I can still think of concepts to write out, and
3. I'm actually quite free.

Oh, and

4. To show to myself that following our enthusiasm is actually a good thing unlike what I've always made to believe.

And I'm writing this for not this one reason:
1. To be a good Samaritan and help out a needy.

This real world is cruel and cruel is what that is if you believe you're living in the real world.


So the case:

There's this one guy I happen to went out with a bunch of friends and after a quick dinner it became very obvious there's something wrong with him. Social awkwardness. Socially incompetent. Social outcast. On the surface what people says very much sums up what this is: "You don't see him because he don't go to the cafe. He don't go to the cafe because he's got no friends"

Or it is really actually, he don't have friends because he don't go to the cafe. The cafe here by general understanding refers to the one and only social place in the whole campus, and to the hostel community it's the only place to hang out in campus. To avoid it is unheard of. Until now.

At some point of a football topic he joined in by asking one of them whether any of us have a girlfriend. That left all of us stunned because, with respect to the unspoken rules of social etiquette, jumping topic is considered odd and rude.

For the pros it works wonders as a start up line

Guy and girl

Guy: Hey, did you see a yellow file somewhere around here? A friend left it here a while ago and it's missing. There's important stuff in it..

Girl: Err, I don't think so.. Where did he last left it?

and so a conversation and a connection starts with a chick.

For the not-pros, it works shit.

Guy and girl

Guy: Do you want to follow me go the mall? We can go eat there.

Girl: Err.. noooo [WTF?!!!]

Credit to Neil Strauss
So point made.

But the real purpose of writing this blog entry is to decipher the signs and decode the situation and unearth the cause of the effect.

The Problem Decoded
It's really simple, really.

That is basically what it is.

That being what it is isn't quite a big problem, the problem is here:

The Problem Decoded V2

If I was a bad ass and/or had the motive, trust me I know how to manipulate and exploit this sort of people for my own gain. This is the reason why it's dangerous. His well being is subjected to some other's approval.

If you're reading this, please don't find me. I'm not the helper. I'm just the blogger writing out the obvious.

No, seriously.

Monday Bleus

No matter what I do and how much fun I have, every Monday seem to come with the Monday bleus disease. Of feeling slow, soft, lumped, heavy and sinking.

This is like a real disease already la.

Thought of a solution which is to write my thoughts out on a physical journal and perhaps sweetly keep it half hidden under my pillow for the sweetness sake of it. But then again what the hack, I have a freaking blog.

Meh.

P/s to self: Reading this next time, don't delete it. It is not emo or mood swing, it is real.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Nice and Vengeful

I'm both a nice guy and a vengeful guy. I treat everyone nicely on the outside almost without bias, but when people mess with me the vengeance last for very, very long. Misdoings happens all the time, but the continious irrational misdoings with clear sight of their intention breeds vengeance.

Some would say I should go and get a religion or go to church to fix myself but seriously no. The problem is with me yes, but I'm no angel or saint and why the fck do I need to fix myself to accommodate others shortcoming. That's their own responsibility, if you can't even control your own actions then that just is a lower being and you should get what you deserve.

Don't expect that in times of hardship you'll be all wrapped in love because in reality, the norm is it's all one man for themselves. Anything better is a bonus, anything less is no surprise. Don't expect me to be caring, tolerant, compliant and oblivious to the obvious reality and most of all understanding. Because I understand very well the fact that a person like that don't deserve all of the above like charity.

I've got my own life to live and my own dreams to achieve, don't cross your past with my future.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Malaysia is the real CIMB Bank

This is CIMB Bank. Found practically almost everywhere in Malaysia, quite like the next few common things after rubbish and Proton.

picture from here


My brother used to pronounce it as "cimb bank", and is the acronym for Chinese Indian Malay Bank.

Interesting ha.

So to put it into perspective, in Malaysia here we have a brand that is literally almost everywhere and quite represent the three major types of people filling up the land. That itself is pretty much everything already, until one sees the biGGer picture.

That Malaysia is actually the playground for these three main races, the platform for them all to exist and grow along each other while still maintaining their respective uniqueness.

Quite like a freaggin bank with multiple currencies, all going through the same counter.

No matter what they try to make you believe with all those kids voice saying United We Stand, Divided We Fall lines on the radio, the truth is that in reality for most parts the general rule is to fit in, one needs to stick closer to their fellow race-mates.

Like a Chinese dude sticking with his chinese clique at the cafe everytime, every damn day. Like having a strong faith that Chinese alone will take over the world one day soon.

Like Indians always sitting in a big group around a table and do nothing and have that "Non-Indians are not allowed to enter this circle" looks all over their faces.

Or Malays. I guess they are friendlier than the previous mentioned two.

They are ofcourse the typical few who being the way they are is the reason this stereotype exist, but they are also the other portion who sees it differently. I would say, the modern thinking. The genuine OneMalaysia attitude. That should be the right way forward.

But for the most part, we are still stuck with culture difference. Malaysia really is the CIMB Bank.
I often have those brief moment of something brilliant to write on the blog after a long and tiring day when I'm finally back on the bed waiting to go on system hibernate.

Problem is, the call for darkness is just too overwhelming strong most of the time, I sleep and it's gone
.

And here I am writing a little lot of nothingness
.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

ZoukOut 2010`

and the computer just died on me after I was 85.2962% done.

So much for patience.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Black

She's wearing black today (and she look wonderful) but for me, black have been integrated and metamorphosed into a lifestyle already.

Black is a component to everything colourful in me, from the cloths and fashion to the electronic gadgets and gears, to mood, emotions, state of mind and approach in life. It is a part of me.

Like water, a baby born clear became cloudy over time being exposed to the world.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Guy and Girl

I think the moment I get a girl to walk alongside me is the time the aura radiates into them and give them a mysterious something to consider coming back again.

The fact that I don't talk much isn't because I cannot but rather it's because I treasure moment of silence too as much as vocal conversation moments.

Yeah. Quite like that.

But until then I'm just another normal guy that fills up the space like flies fill daily sky.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

That's Why We Go To School For

In recent times I've been seeking an true answer to why do we go to school for.

This is one of those simple questions but with a complex answer we are surrounded with in life.

To some going to school is purely because it'd became an obligation to equip ourselves with accreditation in this early years of our real life. Or simply said, because everyone else goes to school hence so.

Well the first half of that is true, that we all need labels to top our skin so to be accepted into this mainly shallow society.

What's more interesting is what kind of mentality template that's running the person to persevere as a student while studying. Like a computer hardware functional with various types of OS, a person too is functional with various kinds of mentality.

Some come to school with the grand plan of being in the average class. Some plan to always give their best though often come short of anything outstanding. Some comes to class with one and only one thing in mind- to be the top of the lot and float by the rewards it carries, while some others come just because they must.

In my opinion that and most of that sort amounts to almost 99% of the cases. To fully know a person's intention is still beyond us in this era, perhaps is the reason why there still isn't the numbers to back it up yet.

But behind all the edges of these human mind games, at the core of it lies genuine learning. Of learning because of a reason ahead of all the abovementioned. Of knowing the purpose of being a student full time, of dedicating all these years for a cause, and the gravity of our own existence. In spite of knowing that accreditation is only half the picture on the outside. In knowing that on the real world outside clean solid knowledge is very hard to come by and fully appreciating them being served on a silver platter to us now, that learning is a personal responsibility to ourselves. Not for the grades, not for the money, not for the fame, the favouritism or pride. But for the spirit. To fill up our born empty brains with real gold.

That is it. That really is.

Today I went to class, an evening class and being obviously drained. The lecturer I respect was covering all the fundamentals of the subject hes teaching and I couldn't really follow his lesson because my mind was on something else. I could say it's just the unnatural me that's less cautious and more open, and he was asking all the silly questions we don't ask why instead just follow the past on how. Which interestingly actually makes us think. And gradually I start responding to him in a different way that the whole normal population of the class does. I was actually actively participating in his topic with intellectual responses.

That is I realised, the real justification I seek out when I go to school. And it amazes me everyday.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Cats, Cats and Girls

How To Use A Cat To Attract A Woman

from: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/how-to-use-cat-attract-woman.html
add: fat cat picture (here)

Attention to all desperate men out there.
Are you having trouble attracting women in your sexual life? Then go buy a cat! Cats are known to be extremely smart animals. They are known to drive all the negative energy away, they are very clean, sensitive, independent and of course they can help you impress most women.

Recent surveys proved that men who love animals, especially cats and men who own a cat have more chances on getting a date. A leading United Kingdom animal welfare society surveyed thousands of women and guess what! An astonishing 90% of them said that men who love and own a cat are more sensitive and more nice than the men who don't have cats.

Maybe these women thought that if a man cares about his kitties then chances are that he will care for a woman and for children. Women see cats as children or babies while men see cats as friends. Women clearly stated they could be easily attracted to such a sensitive and caring man. That is a good reason why you should go out and get a cat. They are real female magnets!

Just don't forget that in order to get a cat you must be a pet lover and really know how to treat the animal right. If you don't like animals then you'd better not try this. For example a lot of people are allergic to cats. Others just can't train their cats. Don't just get a cat if you are unsure how to train her.

But if you are a pet lover and desperate about attracting women then use your cat. Train your cat so that he/she behaves well. Then invite a woman to your place for dinner or a coffee. Clean your apartment or house, cook some dinner if possible. Put your dating skills in action too. Any woman would be impressed.

If you are a cat owner then maybe you need to take a look at this guide about cat training and if you need more help to attract woman then i recommend taking advice from a woman! Here's a woman seducing guide that will teach you how to attract women and make them beg for your phone number.


I happen to stumble upon this article on the Internet and this confirms what I've long suspected: that there is some special connection between cats and girls.

My soft spot for cats is no secret to those around me. Often when a cat appear I would try to interact with it, often too without any decent level of success. To me cats are creatures which are very concern about their own cleanliness. On top of that, I am also fascinated by them because they have this particular nature about them which, in my own words, proud yet unbothered about what others think about them. Also, they are very delicate and the way their carry themselves is as if it's heavier than their own weight.

In many ways girls are somewhat quite like that. Though I don't know exactly how's that so haha. Maybe someone can enlighten me on that one day.

Some of my guys friends thinks I'm nuts when I tell them I like cats. (You know the other name for cat also carry the other meaning which refers to the female body part their counterpart loves so much.)(Seriously, what's wrong with people nowadays?) Facing a dilemma to choose between my own stand or these so-called cool friends, I kept my distance from them.

After all, nobody knows the true depth of my own things other than myself.

And the coolest part about this whole article? My ex-girlfriend is a cat too hahahhaha. Meow! Rawr. claw.

P/s: this entry with regards to the previous entry: it's not hypocrisy. Let's just say attracting girls (at this point of time at lease) comes second to the beautiful image of cats I've got from my previous relationship. This two in one is just like two sides of the same story.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Persuing Girls is not worth the price we pay for it

I've got a new stance. The signs were there all along and I've just realised it only now.

It seems that behind all this clouded shit, the reality is guys don't need girls as much a s girls need guys.

Most girls inside are a bunch of clingers and emotionally insecure and most find security from guys. Guys find reasons to have girls around them, among others are for physical pleasure, for egoistic and pride purposes, for a different kind of companionship and for the holiest of holy kind of guys like me (lol), they provide a touch of softness that compliments our rough nature.

And the truth is that only a minority of guys really realise that. The majority of this minority decides that they would prefer to have a girl around them and a the ideology that guys with girls around them are cooler. And the majority of the other dumb guys follow it simply because the others said it's so and hence it's right.

Yes, it's true guys with girls around them are more highly looked upon, but what most don't sufficiently realise is the importance of girls to guys of their most fundamental nature have been blown way out of proportion in todays society.

I think girls is a big threat to guys of this modern society because guys spend more time, effort and money at chasing girls instead of chasing their own real needs. Like living up their own purpose in this Godblessed life. Guys nowadays spend too much time being obsessed with this girl frenzy unbeknown at the expense of their own growth. Worse miss that most would never realise is the loss of promise and potential they were so close to when they decided girls are more important.

I'm not saying girls are totally redundant and troublesome, they are not because they are also very independent and very capable of reaching their own high heights. I'm just saying guys are better equipped to soar high too, and this advantage is being thrown away for girls.

The way I see it, girls are insecure inside and they find solace from guys. Guys wants them too for all the short term entertainment and so forth. But comparatively guys don't need girls as much as girls need guys. Before anyone gets me wrong, I look highly to all my female friends for being able to carry their own weight in this modern world, but the real target of this article is actually love. Emotional commitment from guy to girl. That for the most part is a hazard to our own self.

Yes, having a wife/girlfriend who understands us well is without doubt a huge bonus, but the effort required to last the race in finding them is not worth it in the long run in the big picture. I think it's a better bet to just chase our own potential and with a touch of sweet luck we'll find them somewhere along the journey. That sounds so much better as it's killing two birds with one stone at success, whereas the other is achieving no bird killed with one stone at failure. All the resources spent is wasted to the max.

Just an opinion.

As for myself, I believe I have an advantage when it comes to understanding girls from my soft (and sometimes quite feminist) nature, so pursuing girls in my opinion is not worth the price we pay for it.
I just thought of this new something about like 10 seconds ago.

Sometimes at some point of our life we might feel our life is somewhat distorted. Things are going OK but not well, and we wonder why is it all happening this way. Distorted, off by an angle. If left uncorrected it will remain this way for all that time ever cares.

I feel like that now. Like the people I have around me now is just substandard of what I should be entitled to by now, the things I do everyday now is just a shadow of my past life, even my own mind is feeling sick by its own standards.

Then I thought I might have found the solution. Odd as it seems, perhaps all it takes is just one activity to trigger a chain reaction of wholesome correction. Some might find it in going clubbing, some going for religious meet ups etc. but for me I think mine's playing field soccer.

I happen to read somewhere that team sports builds cooperation, and field soccer is that to me. Maybe I've been living a solitary and selfish life for long enough, and this is the one thing that will grease all the sharp edges in my current life. So abstract but yeah.

I should go and get my ass running on the field soon.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

When Results Comes Out. It's that time again.

I just saw my previous semester results and quite simply, it's just not pleasing to my own eyes.

Maybe my standards are too high? Not maybe. With my education background from Singapore it should have been waterproofed but things don't always work that way does it.

Maybe I've spent too little hours studying? Absolutely not, but I could still increase the hours spent studying.

Maybe it's my learning ability, abit slow like shit and I will always and forever need adaptation time to any new environment? Perhap. But that is not a valid excuse to me for me to justify any shortcomings as far as I'm concern.

Or maybe they are new areas I am still unfamiliar with and needs polishing up my skills at? Such as bootlickin' or teacher's favoritism and all that. Maybe. Definitely useful at times but not entirely reliable as a primary strength in the big picture.

They say the mix between an optimist and a pessimist is a realist. Like how (a-) + (a+) = 0

Truth be told sometimes I think I just set my goals too high from biased observation and unreal expectations. When a person can decide what he wants to think why wouldn't he think of all the good things all the time( if he had such strong faith and belief, and no fear in him?). As I'm reminded time and time again, expecting unrealistically high up often have two major negative side effects.

1. we are reminded consistently every now and then about this thing called depression. when we didn't hit our unrealistically high expectations.
2. we forget about the actual value of our achievements, how far albeit marginally better than other we are. we choose to forget that.

Rant over.

All in all I just have got one thing to say to my self in preparation for next semester.

Study harder, study smart. Jordan.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Another one bites the dust. RiP Val.

I can't stop wondering why would a person commit suicide. Was it her life that she couldn't stand anymore? About the 3/4 years old baby or the boyfriend/husband?. She's only 22 this year, just like me. Was it her family pressure from maintaining their reputation? Was there internal politics that crossed over her lines?

This is about a friend of mine. She's from my time at Singapore Polytechnic and although totally worlds apart in everything, we were for a short time period close during our weekly once gems class about 2 years back. She's hot, had beautiful eyes and a beautiful body, nice personality and a classy background. She was a Kawasaki bike rider too and a regular club goer. The girl many wish they are, living an almost complete life.

And then from nowhere she took her own life.

I didn't ask about the details regarding it out of respect and so I can only imagine.

One night after another all-too-regular heated spark she question her existence in this world, the past, present and the future. She thought about her 3 year old daughter and cried. She knows what naive means but it means nothing.

She whispered in her thoughts and ask the little girl for forgiveness. She decided she's no longer approaching anything more in the future, but instead is way past many things for so long. It's long overdue. The more she thinks of it, the more she gets a headache and a heart ache. She cries. She commits suicide, the slow way.

Closing her eyes for the one last time half hoping it will be permanent darkness now.


the next person that meets her came just a little too late.



I just made that up. That's what I imagined.

I'm still finding it hard to comprehend a loss like that. I know I didn't really know her and the smile she had on her face back then always reminds me she's out of my league, but me being myself every friend I have on Facebook are special to me. If they weren't they wouldn't still be there as I delete people regularly with a straight mind.

The one and only passing of person with significant concern in recent time is the late Joash, a person I really admire and look up upon. He went in a car accident and perhaps with 1 second's notice. Okay. Atlease he didn't feel the pain from the prospect of departure.

In this other friend's case however she have seen it coming all alone. For all the wonderful people she had around her, for all the pain she kept shielded inside from them. Noone really saw it coming, because if they had somebody, anybody, lending her a helping hand could have change the outcome. But no it didn't. She's gone and she's not coming back anymore. No more follow ups, no more post-event stories. Nothing.

If I could contact with her in whatever state she is in right now and talk to her and then turn back time to change the chain of events, I would. I really would. There is a part of me, even though I don't know it very well yet but still know exist that hopes to never see any bad things happen to all the people I care about. Family and friends alike, the people I chose to have around me. When she left, she leave me feeling so hopelessly useless, sad and disappointed in letting down. If only.

I want to make real a promise I want to make to myself from now on. That I will never let( at my capabilies) be down again, facing a dark future. I will be there for you. I always have been, but I just want you to know that if you have any problem do consider talking to me as an option for salvation. For your sake, for mine, for ours.

As I wrote on facebook, for all those who have fallen prematurely before start living life, they're gone. They might exist forever in our memories. They are also the reason we have to keep living life, keep waking up tomorrow and keep pushing life to it's fullest never to even consider giving up, to keep existing. Even if noone knows or noone longer cares, for their sake if not ours we must.

Valerie, rest in peace. I hope peace is upon you I really do.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Family Affair

I've always believed that in another life if my mother had another my father, things would have been very different. For the better.

All these years I've watched him, the only one consistent thing I see is disappointment instilled in others. I've done my time with learning about disappointment and all in all it is actually a small thing. We just need the character to pull ourselves back up when we find shit being thrown at us. But my observation in recent years seems to suggest my father himself have slowly given up in not being disappointing already. Nothing personal, it's just the truth.

I was talking to my brother just now when things got a little heated up and words said got misinterpreted and all that, it happens, but later on he pointed out a secret, something that I've not been aware of until now. That during the time I was in Singapore (with my sister) we left him alone at home and in the absence of his two elder siblings all he had was his father and mother. My mother, the sole breadwinner of the family works 5 days a week from sunrise to sunset for the past 20 years or less, and when she's not working she's doing her part at making sure we all eat and have a clean house to stay and good cloths to put on. If anything, she have always been putting in 150%. My father on the other hand. I don't know. He stopped talking to my mother since 10 years now. Stopped talking to my sister ever since she left home and occasionally my brother will try to talk to him. I. I don't talk to him.

My brother mentioned he had his dark times when both me and my sister left home. True, he was finding it hard to cope with noone proper to talk to on top of also having his O levels to prepare. He mentioned during then when the going got though both my father and mother gave up on him and in the total darkness he found hope from in himself. Which is from the religion actually. I feel bad for being absent during then but the fact is I had to live my own life too.

Maybe he blames them both equally for giving up hope on him, but putting his character and personality into understanding the equation- him being more of a self centered and demanding person than I am-, I understand that he sees the problem less to do with why my parents behaved like that. I understand better, atlease for of one of them, which is my mother. I understand the weight she carries on her shoulder in keeping the family running. She's basically the breadwinner, the organizer, the home keeper, the family cook and the mother. More than deserve it. She too is the family chain, keeping us 5 under one roof as a family. I think without her I'd just bring my sister and brother and exit this family, if it wasn't because of my mum. My mum is the one person I've my whole life to thank, it's as simple as that.

Sometimes I wonder maybe my parental side grandfather's passing had in some way affected my father's will to live. I wonder maybe since grandfather's passing about a year ago, my father have lost the one, only and last thing there is to him to look forward to. Maybe. Maybe he had end up thinking " wtf I've nothing much to live for so wtf la " or something. Maybe I'm wrong to say that but he certainly didn't show any proof of dispelling that either. Whichever which, it's only for the other 4 of us to suffer from more.

And in digging deeper the more shit that have been concealed in this family are exposed.

Once my brother told me he had a dispute with my father over who drives the car when the whole family is present. In theory and all normality the son would drive as to take over the burden and responsibility and finally give the father a rest. But clearly not here. My father argued and (I assuming forcefully using his temper to win disagreements,) my brother conceded. That is just the scenario. It doesn't take a genius to guess the reason.

I'm no genius but I figured the reason is because being the family driver is his last and only purpose to the family, if he stop being useful to the family then he would have no purpose already and it's just a matter of time before my mother got rid of him too. Doesn't sound so nice, eh?

All in all, I'm just trying to get my focus straight again after arguing with my brother. He called my worse of all, but I think not.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Mental Illness

The problem with society is at the face of it everything seems to be easy, good and fine. But once you go dig deeper all the shit is spew out like there's no tomorrow, like everyday yesterday was a joke and you wonder how did it all even came to this.

The irony is that when one lives in oblivion people say he doesn't know what he's doing, yet when he cares and wants to give a shit people will say there are things he shouldn't have asked about. So how?

And it's all these same people which makes our society today.

Don't worry about it. Everything is just normal you just need to learn to close your eyes to the shit you don't want to see. At times like this when people disappoints over and over I remind myself that living a solitary life is the only way to stay afloat sanely.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Dream About A Surprise

Here we go again.

Last night I had a dream.

(this is the part where you know you can expect to get excited because like it always is, even I'm excited having haven't wrote anything out yet!)

I was living in my house in Singapore (which factually is located in Malaysia) and it's a private unit in a condo and it was nighttime when the reality settled in, that I've for some unconventional reason got expelled from my home. Which is to say, I'm officially homeless for good. And strangely also always on the move because I'm partially hunted and wanted.

Then came in the other side of the story. I met this other girl who also have just been kicked out of her nice condo house, is on the move and is also homeless just like me. From one trouble, now it's double the trouble. How nice.

And the two of us being in exactly the same sort of shit understand mutually without even mentioning that we both need each other now more than anyone else, ever. She stayed by my side as I stay by her as we try to sort our own mess.

Without much discussion, chemistry builds, trust builds and a future builds all by itself. She didn't even ask me or needed to be my girlfriend, but we both know this new relationship we have is even more beautiful than half of the people who claims to be in a relationship are having.

She by my side knowing me knowing her knowing it, we both know no matter what difficulty is thrown at us with each other we have a brighter future together.

What a random dream. They say when two people finds themselves in a similar dilemma they would understand each other better, it seems this dream is what that is. Only with a little more twist and turn like always from Jordan.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Chains From The Reality And The Dream Drags Me To Forward

Initially I contemplated about writing this but then I've decided to go ahead because I've been thinking about someone and hopefully I'll be seeing again soon.

Last night I had this short dream about my mom. In it my family and I were at our house dining area and the time's about 12.30am on some weekday, when out of the blues like he always do my brother asked " How bout we go eat some chaR Kuey teoW now?". I dismissed it as one of those "guarantee fail" type of questions but to my astonishment my mom agreed. She said "OK but lets make it fast because I need to sleep (tomorrow got work)". (SHE REALLY DID! Ok atlease in my dream she did. )

Then a mosquito decided to fly around my cheek and in slapping it I've slapped myself awake. Damn it.

I went to watch some football and only went to bed again when the sun started rising. In it I had another dream about a friend (heh) of mine who found a new boy friend, albeit a Malay one.

Later in the day I went and told her about it because even though it felt really weird, random and totally unnecessary, I just felt I needed to. So I told her. Somewhere along the line later she mentioned something which I new to: that by popular belief a dream is the opposite of what there is to be in reality.

Perhaps.

But I've always believed strongly in just the opposite. That a dream is a visual glimpse of the future, a full scale pre-run of might be by a concept new to us, often when we are still testing it as an answer for a solution of a problem. Which simply means it is seeing the future and paving our present towards it if we like it. That is what most dreams are to me, either when I go to bed with a problem knowing I can find the solution in it or just random dreams.

During then I didn't noticed much about it as I was concentrating more on the person and made nothing about it and went about doing life as per normal.

A few hours later in the night I realised that my mother was unusually late to come home today, so I called to ask her about it. I later found out that her daily feeder bus service had ended early today because of some celebration tomorrow( you know Malaysians just love holidays?), she couldn't come back and the whole family went to pick her up. Somehow since we are already on the road we went to an foodcourt we rarely frequent and guess what. That place, it is a food heaven. Not that I didn't know. One of the more popular food they serve there is char kuey teow.

Upon reaching my mother told me to go get some lao shi fan while she'll go and get some CKT. My brother added "No, that shop CKT no so nice, you must try the otheR shop's CKT. Okay. I told her to get one for me too, I could do with one myself too.

There we were eating dinner and as I chomp down mine I watch her eat her char kuey teow. I got a weird feeling of seeing this before.. Hmm. The kuey teow is quite nice too.

I realised I didn't do much, if any (beside by simply being present) in contributing the night to end around some char kuey teow, but that's how it is. What I do know is I had a dream last night about being in the exact scenario. I believe there's a deeper reasoning to it, although like everyone I'll take the easy way out, for now.

It must be just coincidental I suppose.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What is this Biotropics Nu-Prep thing?

Quite about three weeks ago I thought to myself, in preparation for the upcoming ZoukOut event I will be going to I need to beef up. Or at lease do some shit so that I feel at my physical prime you know.

They say at this age I'm entering in it's the physical peak in a man's life, perhaps. I myself too used to be a physical freak but finding it too resources consuming I've decided I'll keep the best when a situation calls for it. A case like now, for Zoukout.

All in all it basically means I need supplements to kick start my physical growth. Add to that a disciplined and strict daily exercise routine and I'm quite there. It is that simple, it's actually not rocket science like most make believe.

I was planning to get some supplements from all those organic gay shops whos product comes in not amusingly big gay round containers each which cost easily up to RM 200 or so. Not cheap, not quite affordable by any means but believing in my purpose strong enough I've decided to get it.

Until one fine day when on my way back to school while in the school's feeder bus, as the radio was playing it's normal evening show and had it's normal sms lucky contest prize giveaway thing, that I struck lucky.

A 1% real ( just barely enough) and 99% hopeful solitary sms through to the number as I thought I've heard it was what it was. A moment of nothingness went by side along side with a optimistic Jordan playing games with his mind when suddenly the phone rang. I've got it!

Haha.

Alright alright. I went to collect the prize later on and to my amazement it's what it is. A few stuff and 3 bottles of tongkat ali capsules. I know before you start thinking what you're gonna think about it, I'll just say it: I think it is what it is. So to put things back into perspective let's just say of the three bottles, I definitely could do without one for now, least till I get married hahhahaha.

The other two bottles are basically the same thing: this-




As the information on the label itself is not quite specific and informative I've went and check their website about it.

General Information

Nu Maxx™ contains extract of Tongkat Ali (Eurycoma longifolia), Smilax calophylla and Prismatomeris glabra. The synergistic effects of these active ingredients promote masculine vitality and overall well being. It is a non-stimulant. Nu Maxx is suitable for adult men.

Dosage
1 - 2 capsules per day.



Active Ingredients
Each 350mg vegetable capsule contains:
Radix Eurycoma longifolia 20mg
Smilax calophylla 15mg
Prismatomeris glabra 15mg

Indication
Traditionally used to improve health and vitality.

Storage
Store in a cool, dry place. Keep out reach of children.

Recommended Retail Price
RM 97.60 per bottle (60 vegetable capsules)



All of which basically is " The synergistic effects of these active ingredients promote masculine vitality and overall well being. It is a non-stimulant. Nu Maxx is suitable for adult men."

which since adjectives and subjective for a person like me, means nothing really. What load of trash.

So what now?

Well the only other realistic way I can think of is by simply being practical. Yeah I'll go get a male hamster and stuff this stuff down his throat or something. Might want to size down the dosage accordingly according to the recommended dosage on their webpage and also get another friendly hammie to be the control subject. And feed the fellas everyday for a whole month and monitor any changes and also perhaps get a second set to produce a more reliable results as how we are thought to practice in our Civil engineering field.

Or I could just take it myself and see what goes. I think I like that better because it sounds much easier.

So yeah. A pill a day and wait and see. Will update the blog from time to time about this. Also, can't help but feel that for all those bloggers doing paid advatorials, those are nothing. Mine is advartorials plus the real thing without money haha.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Thinking have always been my longest part-time job

Sometimes I think I'm over-complicating my already complicated life with all this thinking. But like a person who have a religion, I too have very strong faith in myself that one hard day today of now will make one better day of tomorrow, later.

If by any call of fate my life would end prematurely, all of it would have gone to waste but I can take consolation in knowing I wouldn't even know. Cool yeah?

Some people thinks that since tomorrow is uncertain why spend today's resources for uncertainty. True, in going with that thinking also gone is hope, the walking dream. To me, a person without hope and a dream doesn't deserve a future, more like meaning in living in the past they should just stop living. In reality everyone have a dream, it's just a matter of what size it is in comparison to everyone's.

A flashback to share- when I was younger during my early primary school days I would spend my time sitting on the table and just look into the thin air. According to my parents, that's what I do all the time. I don't quite remember about it but I believe my mind have been developing ever since young. Gradually school became tougher and required more attention till there's no more to give. A childhood state halted for 10 long years before I rediscover it once again after my O'levels.

I also think I've found another link between the growth of myself attributed to my family background. For the past forever that I can ever remember, my mother have been working as an accountant at a well off private construction company. The hours committed are long but what's more impressive is the years committed to that hours which is even longer. She's been working there forever, literally and she enjoys it.

I've often believed the main reason she wakes herself up 5.30am every morning and bring herself to work is in knowing every one hard day she goes through is every one less hard day each of her three kids will have to go through in their later life. Maybe true; I have never known for sure because like me, my mum is very reserved at revealing her true principles of life.

The connection here is that she holds a faith in her and that faith alone keeps her going on and on, for the past 20 years. Of working from the end backwards and the front forwards simultaneously. Very wonderful stuff indeed. As for me I'm applying that lesson and taking it one step further by applying it in life not just in work for family.

Everyday spent thinking about the tackling the future brings me one step closer to something, something I haven't found out yet even now. Isn't this what faith is about?

Socializing but not Befriending

I've this principle recently made stronger than ever before about socializing with people.

First and foremost I understand the importance of being sociable and easy-mixing in the society we live today. Simply put, with mouth alone nowadays we can talk our way up and similarly, without talking we can be stuck down forever, almost. Talking itself is a very valuable skill of survival.

Here's the part where it gets interesting.

The general understanding is by talking we make more friends, and perhaps the opposite too when we make friends and talk to them we improve our social skills. However, the way I see it socializing and making friends/collecting contacts are two totally separate things altogether. In most cases a person's need for talking is the lead reason why conversation happens and it leads to knowing more people, and more talking. And collecting friend.

For a person like me however whos nature is actually quite introverted, I don't fancy regular blank talking. Which basically is talking about stuff that goes nowhere all for the sake of talking. Like spending 30 days talking about all the things we talk in 1 day x 30 times. That pretty much is what it is. The way I see it, it's just disgusting.

I enjoy talking about things which is progressive, be it getting to know someone, getting to understand something or simply building chemistry. I like talking to new people indeed. But I am not quite that lenient at introducing new friends into my life.

To like talking and meeting new people, but to not like becoming friends with them is the tricky thing, quite like bending nature's law. How do a person talks to everyone like their long lost brother yet thinks of almost no one? I think I'm that. I also think this is the result of me playing the game of life always at a step ahead. Despite what I do, I have a mindset which always pushes for greater personal learning. Instead of waiting for experience to teach, I try to forsee it, prepare for it and make the best use of the situation when the "opportunity for gaining experience" comes knocking. Pretty much like what we do in secondary school at reading up the whole textbook over and over to prepare for whatever the exam can throw at us, just at a bigger scale. Isn't learning what we aim to do when in school? Of regardless of where you start,it's in know about how it's gonna finish and in paving our unique path to there.

Also, I don't know where is this all heading but I'm confident I'll be able to handle whatever is thrown back at me for embracing this choice of life. In a way perhaps this is what society have made me.

So the next time we talk, don't think too much about this. I've done the thinking so just enjoy the ride. And if things doesn't turn out the way you thought it would be, don't take it personally. I'll take the blame I really do.

With every new entry about decoding myself I find myself one step closer at solving the mystery, and to watch as more of the mystery appear.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

For the upcoming semester break I've decided I'll spend time to redo this blog. I want to change it from a online media hub into a living autobiography of myself.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

In Telling Myself that There's No Greener Than Here

It seems a person is more interesting when they are still quite a stranger to me. Often when meeting new people be it real life or online, I'm more excited when I'm still new to them. When more of what I make of them are prospect rather than actual facts.

A girl can be the shiniest diamond when I first know her but as time and reality sets in the crudeness on it's surface starts to appear. A girl can be the brightest star in the dark sky but upon closer examination it too is filled with craters.

Mixing with many of both I know well enough it's not the case with guys.

I want to believe it's just me but the truth is that the root of the problem goes deeper than that. It's a matter of trust. A matter of trusting the person, waiting and believing that they have more to offer with patience in time but that's just exactly what I've become. I've become the absolute opposite of that.

It seems ever since that I've lost that side of me I once was. The patience and the calm believe have deserted me. I no longer trust the future being brighter on it's own. Perhaps I've started to focus my effort (correctly) on the present more than in the future.

Maybe it's just my this age which I've pointed many times where we should step up from the passenger to the driver and take control of our life. Maybe it's the change of environment after being away for so long. Maybe it's a lesson I've picked up from Singapore, a lesson that means fast paced.

Maybe it's because of the broken trust in hope I once live my life by.

Either way there's no looking back now. I just don't look back at things and this is one of them. One day when life ends maybe they'll say why.

My Life's a Contradiction To Myself

Sometimes this blog goes for many long days without a hint of any activity when my mind's in the rare occasion is set thinking crystal clear. Sometimes I write things which I don't like and either delete it or quickly overlap it with a newer post.

One some rare occasion I'll find myself wanting to write something on the blog but wouldn't because my logic tells me my effort and time should be reserved/spent on other more important things of that moment.

Like sleeping. Like studying. When there's an exam tomorrow afternoon and it's 4am in the morning. Like in a world filled with badness that my bad is less bad than your bad.

Sometimes I feel I'm a good example of a person living a life filled with internal politics and contractions. Is it a good or a bad thing? Time will tell.

Friday, October 22, 2010

If it's true that value comes from scarcity

Then I shouldn't be going home much anymore.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

If You Think You Have A Brain, Then Use It

On Monday morning I left a random How are you message on Sara's wall and thinking that must have been the best damn thing I've done all week, to put a smile onto someone's face in the midst of the all too common monday blues. I knew I could expect a reply not only before the end of the day but a matter of how soon.

The day ended and a new day came and no reply.

I realised later she said just last week she was off to Chiangmai for a week. Heh. Lovely.

Although knowing this unlike most people I didn't go and rectify the situation by correcting myself, instead I waited and waited. For nothing, really.

The usual -I can think of 1001 reasons why did I rectify it since I knew about it- just wasn't ever going to happen.

This morning half asleep I had found an alternative ending. Sara, all yours to find out.

It's amazing how despite the common knowledge that our brains are only working at 5% capacity when we are awake ( or 2000% capacity when we are asleep), we never really utilize that knowledge and try to bend it to our favour. Maybe in the future we would see applications of that but for now, bring puzzles to sleep seems a revolutionary way to reach out for new things.

And as always, I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I started doing it, realised it only after its done. Amazing.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I Will Take My Shame To The Grave

My current personality state of being able to genuinely laugh with you one week, and completely ignore you as if we'd just broke up and moved on the next week would lead many people to believe that I'm a many face faker.

Guess what, the truth is it's actually that's quite true. Many face yes, faker not really. Maybe I am but if so I've gotta be damn good at it. And more importantly decoding this kind of "product" goes far deeper than many would have imagined.

A twisted mind I may have, perhaps often tells twisted stories.

I've always believed that the best state a person could be, and I myself want to be, is by being a person who plays one card at a time but have many cards to play with, every time. He have the option to fully dictate what card to play according to his assessment of the situation with regards to his motives, or in higher terms, manipulate the circumstances for it to adjust any situation he face to his favour. All the time.

Like having a gun with 200 types of bullets. Why this over the other? Because I like and I can.

Coming back to this situation which is just another example of how I'm doing in life, I may have many faces and I may be able to choose my cards. Many will conclude people like this are just fakers, wannabes that fall short. Well guess what, faker I am but fall short I am not. When fakers are defined as one with many but incomplete personalities, I may have done enough to "fake" it long enough for me to maintain my cards.

The truth is that, I am not a faker. I'm just multi-faced. My real personality is being multi faced and through effort and experience I've collected the tools to execute it. In my own ways, I'm being true a person, just a true as everyone else are, albeit also in my own ways.. somewhat different.

And I like it when people think lowly of me because they killed their own expectations of any fightback without me even doing anything yet.

This learning is still far from over but the first step is always the hardest and in doing one I've got the ball rolling.

My Hostel Taught Me A Lesson

I was talking to my neighbour next door and he told me lots of stuff that merited a place on this blog.

Basically I'm just very lucky to have moved in into the circumstances I am in.

Before me there's another Arab guy and he's bad.

His leaving opened the door for my place into this existence here.

The way the hostel goes, single room is only about 1/4 of the whole block and I've got a single room. Could consider myself very lucky already.

And on top of that each floor have one CCTV monitoring the whole floor and with the two behind the scene stairways the CCTV which is situated to watch the main corridor with the lift is only in my opinion, half efficient. My room is located directly in front of it, no chance of anything going through my door without being seen by it.

Very safe relatively compared to others.

And the timing is also good. I came in in June, when just barely half a year ago break ins and theft is a very common occurrence in this block. During it's peak time, as many as 6 laptops got stolen in just one day from break ins. Informing the authorities and police also almost always ends up fruitless.

It got so bad that the school finally upped the whole block's security. Multiple security guard are hired to keep the main, one and only entrance always alive. And they installed CCTV. And they implemented the thumbprint id access. No wanders why the backyard of the block is fenced up with military barbed wires as if keeping the prisoners in.

Safe is not a bigger word when thrown in the face of danger.

He also highlighted that for our corner here, we all know each other very well and most importantly, communicate as a community. We watch over each others back and check upon each other to ensure everything is right.

All of that combined made me feel very lucky indeed.

Especially considering the fact that just barely one month ago as I was contemplating moving out to the new condominium just at the other end of school, I weight both option and concluded they are both equal. How wrong I was. How naive I was.

I had set my mind onto it for a great time and despite all the failings I had push hard enough to live through the difficulties. At the final moment I had the opportunity calling at me I had a gut feeling that somethings odd. I almost went ahead had it not be for the fact that I didn't have my personal funding available which shifted the balance. Despite the unfamiliarity and embarrassment of being labeled "the talk so much but no action type of person" I told the guys I wanted out at the 11th hour. They didn't take it smoothly but life still went on.

Now it doesn't sound like a big matter but the reason the odds are really big is because on top of the hostel being whatever it is, through experience I reckon the condo will be the center for many problems.

For one, it doesn't have a central system to govern the behavior of the tenants. At the hostel we don't go around fighting and spray painting someone elses door because we believe that the school will get us. We trust that there's a system, a higher authority, which makes consideration of our action worthwhile.

At the new condominium I expect to see civilized people degenerate to standards lower than before having moved (ironic isn't it?) simply because of the absence of a higher power. Yes the condo stated well enough that it comes with 24/7 security guard, but at best they are there to keep outsiders out. The real problem is from the inside. They are not there to maintain harmony or peace, even if they could they wouldn't. why would they? they are working not doing charity by being angels. The real problem is the tenants themselves. Simple because they could.

Unfortunate to say, for those friends of mine who moved out en mass, they are those of you who could do well with little studying, but in not studying they are influencing those not as gifted and in doing so, dragging them down. Like an anchor into the open sea, it's a matter of how much, how fast it sinks.

Guys being guys, given a environment where they have liberty from parental watch, finance, space, time, opportunity and booze( and not to mention girls yet), why wouldn't they party all the time? They would. Maybe not literally, but studying goes down with the anchor all the way to the abyss too. It defeats the whole purpose of being in school altogether. Playing is fun but when without control, overplaying is destructive in many ways. For a person like me I wouldn't be able to live with that kind of guilt.

Maybe once yes but not twice, I've done my share in Singapore already.

Maybe I subconsciously saw that coming just before I moved in, maybe I didn't but I'm fortunate for the way things turned out for me.

Also through watching humans learning from experience for all of humanity ever existed, with no guidelines to follow, people will always make the same mistake every-single-time we throw them back to the start of a situation. If it was the same people they would learn, but in this case people here are all independent cases from those before and they will make the same mistakes (and subsequently learn - the hard way- from it) again. Learn once more, things my seniors and their seniors all have went through in the history of this hostel. Things like the theft and inadequate security just a year ago at my hostel.

That, they are going back to ice age again.

Back then they said the cause of the havoc are because of the huge population of locals here. Fair enough, the locals are always the more culpable ones because they have outside connections and greater knowledge of the know-hows. This semester the new rule being enforce is forcing a mass exodus of the locals. Meaning, we are (I think) heading into a new dawn again. Facing a new situation with no history to guide us and no old heads to lead us, I'm keeping my eyes open bigger now than ever, to be the first to notice any wave of change regarding this.

Towards the end of our conversation my neighbour, having just found out about my history of walking solo at Singapore for the past 4 years said, ( with some reference to himself having gone through a similar path of life too)- " We should know this better (of handling this situation) ".

He is damn right.

With great authority comes great responsibility. If authority of our own life comes from experience and experience comes from knowledge, at some point we would have learn enough and have to take full responsibility of our own life. I've just connected the dots and thought that up in the past few minutes but it boils down to the same fundamental principle of mine - that we can give reasons for being born imperfect but we cannot give excuses if we die imperfect.

The one thing I learn today is don't ever stop learning from others, be it your classmates, peers, compatitors or neighbours. Be it class lectures, gossips, news or past history. There's only so much one person can learn in his lifetime but if a person learns to utilize the summary of others learning then it would be.. more awesome ;)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A Spark of Life

Was talking to a new friend and she reminded me of once upon a time.

* * *

Day turns to night, night eventually becomes day. The dog just never grows old, as though the people do. Everyone doing the same old thing everyday tomorrow's no different from yesterday, next week from last. Life's quite easy but even easy can lose its meaning from overexposure. Despite the past, the future is unclear as always.

Until one evening when a parcel came. The date was around 28 March 2006 the day a Wednesday. I remember very clearly. In it it says I've been accepted to go to Singapore (yay!)(but what's all the fuss about?)(what's Singapore anyway, beside a country?) It also states I should expect a follow up letter about further instructions in the next 30 days. Awesome. I've got 30 days to celebrate the news!

It came the next day. Alright. Nothing much to celebrate anyway. It was a Thursday.

And in it it states that school commences next week. And before I can join them, I need to get the official stuff done, among others a medical cert. Before Monday. Which means only on a Saturday half-day shot.

Which means we're leaving on Friday night, after mom come back from work. Which is actually about just exactly 24 hours when I realised it. How nice.

At that time I was so into Jem and in her debut album is a song called 24.



***

"24"


Been given 24 hours

To tie up loose ends
To make amends
His eyes said it all
I started to fall
And the silence deafened
Head spinning round
No time to sit down
Just wanted to
Run and run and run
Be careful they say
Don't wish life away,
Now I've one day

And I can't believe

How I've been wasting my time

In 24 hours they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

Is there a heaven a hell

And will I come back
Who can tell
Now I can see
What matters to me
It's as clear as crystal
The places I've been
The people I've seen
Plans that I made
Start to fade
The sun's setting gold
Thought I would grow old,
It wasn't to be

And I can't believe

How I've been wasting my time

In 18 hours they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

In 13 hours they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

I'm not alone, I sense it, I sense it

All that I said, I meant it, I meant it

And I can't believe

How much I've wasted my time

In just 8 hours they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

In just 1 hour they'll be

Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

***


I can't help but connect the similarities about her in that song with my situation.

" Been given 24 hours
To tie up loose ends
To make amends "

In 24 hours I'll have a total change in my life and given it's an advance notice I've got one day to prepare for it. To make this shit of my life into something workable, something to survive on once in Singapore.

" His eyes said it all
I started to fall
And the silence deafened "

My parents eyes shined in confidence and victory and I smiled along too, but inside I question the gravity of the situation. There is no turning back now. And no helping hand to make myself be heard.

" Head spinning round
No time to sit down
Just wanted to
Run and run and run
Be careful they say
Don't wish life away,
Now I've one day "

In the cyber cafe the next day with 12 hours gone I realised time is mercifully cruel. It doesn't slow down a pace no matter how much I regretted not treasuring my life up til yesterday. Even in hoping time would turn back, it cost time, time still went on. My clock is ticking down.

" And I can't believe
How I've been wasting my time

In 24 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me "

The they and your here refers to myself. I need my own blessing to live my own life. I'm doing it for myself.

" Is there a heaven a hell
And will I come back
Who can tell
Now I can see
What matters to me
It's as clear as crystal
The places I've been
The people I've seen
Plans that I made
Start to fade
The sun's setting gold
Thought I would grow old,
It wasn't to be "

That's as straightforward as it gets.

The latter half of the song is a repetition of the chorus, each time the figure counts down from 24, to 18, 13, 8 and finally 1 hour. Knowing how this is gonna end is not one bit comforting either.

* * *

Having lived through that to called it experience, being forced out of the house then really has been that one life changing moment in my life.

Like a spark from nowhere, I now say that one spark has made me who I am today. Moving to Singapore I've experience an exponential growth - what I've learned in my first 2 years there is almost the same as what I've learned in 17 years prior to going there.

My O' levels result back then was shit so much so it's more amazing I've gotten a call up than had I not. Why, I never know. Had Singapore Poly did the more obvious thing I wouldn't be the person you know I am today.

My brother who took the same O levels late last year obtained a way better results but was denied a similar route. I consoled him by saying "life's a mystery for us to uncover, no two person's route is the same, else it wouldn't be a life" " I've found mine, now's your turn to find yours" even though inside I know it's called fake confidence. A scientific lie. Just what faith is all about.

The move cost my parents a great amount of money and I couldn't see why they'd chose it back then but now I do. For all the money in the bank account, if experience was on sale that was the price.

Like a coconut in its hard shell, once you break it you expose the inner white flower to the world and there's no going back. All it takes is that one knock on destiny to change fate.

This whole story to me is immortalized in Jem's 24.

Inversed.

Ever since leaving Singapore for Malaysia things have taken a massive turn. I couldn't say I didn't half anticipate it but what use to be the relying now have become relied upon.

In Singapore I've always been second best, following, responding. Now here it's quite the opposite. People come up to me to ask for help with homework, class work, lectures etc. Even those 6 sems my senior.

The other part I've noticed is about stuff outside class. I've realise there's a growing amount of people relying on me, hanging around me, clinging on to me, even when I set my mind in living in solitude. It must be something about something which is here now, not having been here before.

This weird aura of attraction is very similar to the one Fiona had on me back then, where I was the metal and she the magnet. I can't help but notice the similarities. In her case the more she tried distancing herself from me, the more I wanted to come nearer to her. In my case, well lesson learned.

In trying to keep they away from me I know now I have to come closer but just enough to stay out of trouble. This must be the exact lesson Fiona faced back then when I was around her, but perhaps she didn't see it coming.

Now I feel on par with her image she'd left in me. We're even.

Unfortunately I'm still bad because the pain she'd left in me I'm now passing it upon others. In her words last time, she condemn guys. Me now, I condemn trust.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I Don't Want Money but I do need Money

If I had the money, one of the few things I consider worthwhile spending it on is this.

The whole damn thing.

I happen to read one of it from the school's library and it took me awhile to realise I really liked it. Been searching google countless times for it before I manage to find it, with a think chunk of luck.

They say we don't realise the value of money until we start working and earning it ourselves and it's true. 8 months prior to continuing my degree here I've been managing my entire current account myself and it'd taught me a lot. The way I see it people nowadays have a tendency to spend unnecessarily on almost every possible thing but I'd distinguished myself from that.

In truth it's less to do with saving or financial constrain of any sort, but rather just a character trait I admire (which is naturally unnatural of me) and chose to pick up. I just can't stand wastage be it time, resources or just plain inefficiency.

I'd say money in general is limited and in deciding to use it to fund one thing means choosing it over another other options. By opting for a RM50 soccer ball I'm passing on a RM50 priced book. You get the point. To spend on something I always get myself to give a good reason to do so. If the reason is real good, the price at times could even "not" be a limitation. It's not about being thrifty but rather, not wasteful. Maybe this is the fundamental concept behind wise money management in which it's so much easier to understand by just telling " save, save, save money".

For me I haven't explored the skill of absolute money saving yet but I've been practicing avoiding wastage (of money) ever since I've started working one year ago.

And I want to get the books, waiting for when the time is right.

p/s: to those of you who took deeper notice of the title, give yourself some time to think it through first on a neutral perspective before comparing in any way. In any way. nobody have an upperhand against me in any way, simply because I chose to believe so the same way you do.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

A Dream Like No Other

I had a dream just the other night.

In it we the family ( can't remember biological family or close friends) were held captive by some bad guys and we're all sitting down and just chilling as we wait for time to go by. The typical image of kidnapping being so violent and panicky all that, it's just from the dramas, at lease that's what my dream says.

And so as about 5 of us sit waiting for nothing with about the same amount of kidnappers, I and they realized I've been exercising a lot lately and starting to feel physically at my best again. So they thought why not, in the meantime, play a game.

I thought too, why not. I like the idea of having games as time fillers, rather than just sit there and stone, eh.

So somehow they told me I've got a 10 minutes head start to run wherever I want ( in a world absent of any other human it seems) before they come get me. I ran up and over bridges, climbed poles and walls, over ledges and hopped from rooftop to rooftop, balconies to balconies.

Doing things I am confident I can do in real life but don't do because of the risk and consequences involved. I'm quite lightweight after all and it doesn't take much to break .. body parts.

Finally after about 1o minutes I realised this is the part where the real game starts.

Well, my logic tells me that for all the advantage in head starts, it means for nothing if the pursuer is faster than us - it only prolongs the inevitable.

By then I was inside a huge supermarket and since running according to the shelves sounds silly to me with such new found freedom, I just went up and over them, knocking them down in the process with great speed and swiftness. But even after all the mess I've made I knew it will mean for nothing because it only looks messy.

Sure enough the bad guys brought in their own catchers.

They are 5 human minds in gorilla bodies. Read that again if you will : Human Minds + Gorilla Bodies. Gorilla are said to be quite like human with bigger everything physically except the mind, and by mixing it both they've created the ultimate hunters. Everything a perfect soldier could ask for, plus a bonus 10% to their physical abilities. Who would have thought of that!

And sure enough they found me and brought me back in almost no time. Well again, no violence is involved, it's became a mutual understanding ".. that if you don't intend to run then we don't need to teach you and intimidate you not to. " (by violence that is). That's what it really is. We walked back in such peaceful and trustful manner that it's hard to believe it's actually all a kidnapping going right.

And amazingly of the 5 human-minds-in-gorilla-body hunters, only one of them, the leader, are from the kidnappers side. The other 4 are actually my family members back home mind working these gorillas remotely, like what's that movie called again? Surrogates. Human minds in remotely controlled hosts. They thought they'd joined in too because it's not fun missing out on the fun since we're all quite free, you know. They thought it's funnY sia. Hah.

So as I was walking back I noticed one of the unmasked gorillas who by then is in human form again, was actually a girl I've been seeing a lot lately from school.

And we fell in love on the way back.

p/s: I was going to bed when I realised I just had to write this down even it meant little because stories like this are hard to come by.

And the exercising a lot lately part and the see the girl from school a lot part are both real.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Jordan

There's this one guy whom entered my life sometime ago, sharing the exact same name as another guy I despise since back in the poly days.

The original guy is IMO noisy, an absolute attention seeker and a dumb empty vessel, a side he'd revealed when he leaked out more truth about himself than he should have. That's gone but the lesson lasts, that a proper conversationalist needs to understand the value of silences in conversation too.

Anyway with one gone the legacy lives on and the other innocent guy is the unfortunate victim to me hahaha.

I can remember when he first exist into my life I've made up my mind that since I don't like his name ( and his appearance and impressions fits very closely to the negative stereotyped image of Malaysians in Singapore), I don't want to know him. Talk about active disinterest. About personal level discrimination.

I'm not so pure after all it seems.

I think the way society works though I don't like it, the exploiter is a always exploiting the exploited. When given a chance to -something negative- , people will.

Society have made us this way. Before anyone tell me I don't have to follow it because.. , well you're right, I don't have to. I just want, I enjoy.

People like me are those who gives other people both a better day and a worse day. The ability to do something does make doing it compulsory by any means, but it does gives us the option to do so when we wish.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Someone Right Now

There's this song by Fort Minor titled Right Now. It tells a tale about many different possible events happening concurrently as we are living our lives right now.



I find it a really cool idea of selecting such topic to convey via a song.

I've put pictures to represent different parts of the song they've mentioned in it.

Just remember as all of these are happening, we are lucky to be here not in any trouble of that sort.


Someone right now is walking out of the apartment and look across the streets and wondering where his car went.




Someone right now with his finger in his teeth could use a little floss.




Someone right now has stayed up all night looking at the laptop trying to get inspired.




Someone right now is coughing out blood on the sink..



..knowing it looks bad but there's nothing she can do about it.


Someone right now is stuck in Iraq and trying to get shipped back breathing



while the press back home mislead us.





Someone right now is having 25 to life.




Someone right now is standing with the corner of their thumbs up hopeful hitchhiking.




Someone right now is scratching the lottery hoping for a real winner.




Someone right now would kill for the shit that we throw away in the street.
One man's trash is the next man's treasure




Someone right now is sneaking through the border




just to eat real dinner.


Someone right now is trying to dump that rock they run around the block with

at the same time the cops is raising the glock with aim.




Someone right now is taking his first breath.

I don't think he knows what it means yet.




Right now someone's wife is robbed blind when she coming from the market.




Someone right now is guessing freedom thoughts by suicide.




Someone right now is appreciating they got a blanket in a house with no heater

because someone else right now is sleeping at the park bench with no jacket.



But no,

I'm just taking it in
From the second story hotel window again,
The TV's on, and my bags are packed,
But in this world everything can change just like that,

Just like that