Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's White : Pt 2

Yah. It's white. It's so white that I'm reluctant to even face my own blog page.

Shit. Time needed to adapt and to settle down. Go disappear now, us.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

My Blog Turned Clean

It's WHITE.

IT'S WHITE!

Okay. No more evil Jordan. No more of this negativity.

I'll start all over again. I'm pure and clean now.

Hahahahahahahhahahahahaha Lollllllllllllllll xDxD

Cheers

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

New: Post Rating option

I've added in a new function into the blog, after every post there's an option to leave a anonymous rating. Quite.

I wonder how will the responds be like.

Eh, rate it on a regular OKkkkay. Show la some support I always so emo lately mah.

Cheers.

Bad, Bad.

For all my fuckin pride, high ego and astonishing self worth, I really hate to be look lowly upon and be under appreciated when I volunteer to help out.

I also don't like to be left idle, being only able to sit and wait for something to happen.

..

Sometimes I need time of my own to be blank. You know.

Running on AutoPilot Mode. I think.

I got this feeling I've been running on autopilot mode since a while now. It's quite like doing routine things all the time without any thinking involved.

Like walking and eating and entertaining people with zero brain activity at all.

Like, to maintain expectations on me while being completely empty inside( the head).

A feeling of wanting to think, but only seeing alot of blank void dark spaces. It quite feels like I'm a rock too- hard on the outside, void totally inside.

It's like, being a zombie. They walk the walk but don't talk. They just walk and don't think. Yes.


Autopilot mode, right. Fly, now.

Post Diploma Pre Degree Period = A Serious Problem

I don't know what to do.

I know what I want, I just don't know how to get it.

I'm currently taking a Diploma in Civil Engineering @ Singapore Polytechnic and will be graduating soon, all ends come February 27 09'. I want to spend my effort money and time on X and Y only, nothing else hopefully. But the problem is , the local university offers X and Y in package A containing A to Z.

I don't want to be taking up A, B, C whatsoever because I don't have genuine interest in them. If I still take it up, I fear I might not make it through.

The local U is opening their registration this February 1, five days time.

I'm going to consult my lecturer tomorrow, see what does he have to share about this.

Other than that, I doubt there is.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Gruesome Dream with Death, again.

Oh ya, I had this freaking dream yesterday night.

I was in a house. Partially constructed, partially filled with collapsed renovation rubble. It's very tight , dark and creepy. Single story, but the first thing I know is the house is quite like our prison and we are trapped inside. Me, is in the ceiling and struggling to move. After a while I moved, escaped to a room and meet up with 3 other guys who's experience the same shit. We all concluded that we are ill fated to be the lucky few hamsters being played by some maniac.

We tried very hard and finally found another group of 4 girls , also trapped in the rubble of this house. We talked and clarify things, and then there was 2 bangla/indonesian construction workers constructing the house. It was at night as we saw the sky finally. They somehow felt like prison wardens and when one of the girls tried to walk out, she got bashed with a shovel by one of them.

I though this was a good opportunity to run the other way and escape, but when I executed my plan, the other guy literally flew behind me and chop me down. I didn't feel any pain or anything, but I know that's where my life is gonna end. I guess it did.

I think, this has alot to do with watching SAW during CNY day 1.

CNY- How bout' a round of applause?

Hey everyone. I've been away from blogging ( and computer and internet infact) for the past 4 days and it sucks, really. I was at Johore celebrating CNY with my maternal family. Me being me, I'm not gonna do some boring coverage of event by event details or whatever shit. No. You can bet on that, always.

Being away from this addictive internet for days gave me ample time to enjoy the present and think about life and other matters. Let's see..

Hm. Here are my post CNY thoughts about how my past 4 days were spent and so.

Unlike last time when CNY usually ( and only) means $upport, this time around I've valued this opportunity as an opportunity to reunite with my family. Since I've left my house in Malayia to furthur my studies in Singapore 3 years ago, my immidiate family has hardly been together already. So during this time, atlease we get to see each other all at once and behave like a family again.

I get to do fun things with them like argue with my sister, advice and have interlectual conversation with my sister, tease my brother, rough him up here and there, talk and listen to my mom and her voice, hear nonsense from my dad and yeah, watch their interactions between one another first hand too. It's almost one of the best thing we can ever wish, to be with our family again.

I've also been able to socialise and get updated with my immediate relatives. Yeah, this are the very people I'll be growing up with regardless of where I go, what I'll be. Just like Marie. Opps. LOL. Marie, who?

And I've also realised( as mentioned above) how little signifiance does the angpau money have on me already. Maybe it's because I'm used to Singapore Dollar and naturally look down on Malaysian Ringgit? Or maybe I've been funded too well all this while in Singapore that I've lost touch of the value in money? Or maybe I'm just too busy and occupied with other stuff that I don't really have the time and mental energy to spend living with money? Aha.

What else? I guess that's all I have to share. Tada. Brilliant. Go and die now, beef.

Bye.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's That Time Again.

I want a new blog layout. I need a new blog layout. Black is the past, black is deaddd.

I'm waiting for the part where my ideal layout drops out of the sky, or something.

Maybe. If only.

[ Eh, when was the last time I said this? 3 months ago? ]

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Ugly Ambience by Ugly Guys



I'm doing my work in school with my two girls and sharing the computer lab is actually a nerve testing task when we are surrounded by irritating idiots.

1. Guys who talks non stop on their own ( and uncommon) interest.
2. Guys as above which talks so rapidly,clearly and nearby me which makes every single word enters my mind even when I don't give a shit about it.
3. Guys as the above both which also laugh with a weird fake style, irritating alot I find it.

Changed lab, but.

1. Guy which talks so much, and have a girly voice.
2. Guy which talks so much and have a girly voice, and try to act cute by tease-debating with their female classmates.
3. A bunch of them, guys.

Yuck.

Maybe..

I'm guessing I only have a problem with guys.




Edit:




Squidward Tentacles

The guys 2, the guy. He is fat. Yuck, really.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Just Before You Turn Expired. Just (if only you can turn back time)

I have this one particular cousin which is quite different from most my other cousins and family and father and mother, grandmother, grandfather dog cat mouse fish shit and shit whatsoever.

She's different because despite being relatively close( both blood connection and location wise) ( and perhaps style too), we're hardly close in real life.


I'm referring to someone I'll grow up with, someone of the same generation as me. Someone from the same history and style. Someone other than my sister. Someone when our time is over and waiting to be erased, they'll be there with us too.

Old aging uncle and aunties are often seen together living the remaining of their life together, and I'm sure they wish if only they could rewind time and know each other earlier

I've just got this realization and sudden inspiration to blog about this because things like this is something we live and will die with, our family. To know of it is one thing, but to pen it down and be reminded of it years down the road, it's something sweet touching and remarkable.

I don't want to grow old with time, but that's something I've no control over. The least I can do is pick a few individual to join me in my journey of living so I know I'll never be alone, never.

Living is the slowest form of dying
Quoted, Ivan Tong of Ivantong.blogspot.com

Chinese New Year is around the corner and it's this time of the year we meet up and catch up with a year's progress in dying. Last night I had a dream something to do with her, and it's a feeling of being so close yet so far. You know.

I've totally forgot what's it about, but I know it's warm and inviting, lovely. The type of feeling associated with close friends and lost time. The type of feeling from grown old and expiring, but furfilled and contented.

Oh. Her name is Marie ' ¤ŀ MªŖΪę ŀ¤ ' Teo from NUS. If you happen to know her, tell her I said Hi.

The last related thing was when I went and meet up with Sharon in Takashimaya, and realised Sharon's mom's close Singaporean friend is Marie's mother. Wtf. Dang.

That her, that's why. I should get to know her better before it's too late.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Short Note

To Adrian aka 24-Wishes of Innit

You've been promoting your Innit post to me via MSN without any introduction whatsoever.

You know that's not an ethical thing to do expecially to stranger -I've no idea who you are-.

You're might get away with most people, but sometime it's bound to happen when you cross path with direct speaking people like me.

Besides, they are many other reluctant MSN Innit nang-er of the same boat, so cut the shit out for the sake of a better Innit.

FURB.

Cheers.

Edit: Problem cleared. I guess things were already boiling of late and (unfortunately) I had to take it out on you. My bad too. Peace.

When the Going Gets Tough.

Things is hard getting harder for me lately. My school work is demanding alot of time and effort, plus the most recent major screw up is going to cost me atlease another whole day to rectify.

Edit: With the extra 10% on top of the already max 100%, I've finally wrapped it up. Good, finally a well deserve sleep tonight. Tomorrow morning's lesson at 8 cancelled, better still. Bagus. Simply superb. Meh.

It got me thinking more often now, when the going get's though, how will I respond to it?

. . .

What could happen?


Possibility 1: I'll go about being rude and selfish and being all fucked up around to those around me.
Verdict: Fairly unlikely. I doubt I'll lose myself till that stage.


Possibility 2 : Go around killing people with knife or something?
Verdict : Okay, maybe not till that, but I might become more aggressive and easier provoked of late too. But still, mentally unstable with a unrestricted body= possible trouble.


Possibility 3 : Become a hermit crab gaining solace inside my shell and cut off from my senses to the outer world?
Verdict : Possible yet not. With a blog like this, that will never happen. At lease not when I'm at Das Connection.


Possibility 4 : Lose interest in everything around me and start behaving differently?
Verdict : Used to be a likely outcome, not anymore. I can quite write this one off.


Possibility 5 : Go around rampaging and trashing everything within reach?
Verdict : Maybe in Malaysia but not in Singapore. I'll think twice about it. Maybe trice.


Possibility 6 : Go clubbing every night for the rest of my life?
Verdict : WTF?


Possibility 7 : Go Pulau Ubin and stay here?
Verdict : It depends on the fish. The fish does the talking, always.


Possibility 8 : Emo til' die?
Verdict : I've got loved ones around me, this is highly unlikely to happen.


Possibility 9 : I'll start laughing uncontrollably over nothing and end up in SMI?
Verdict : I hope not. Maybe I'll be visiting you there at most, yeah.


Possibility 10 : I'll continue editing this post till I reach infinity number of possibilities and finally get over it?
Verdict : No reason for a not.


Possibility 11 : Go sleep, forget about today, have a brighter tomorrow. And it's back to the drawing board as always?
Verdict : [LAST ONE] I think it's a yeah.

. . .

Oh ho. So now I know. I seriously though I could come up with a list of up to 20 plus distinct possibilities, but.. oh well.

Cheers

P/s to self: time to cut the crap

Monday, January 19, 2009

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

[ Your mind is in Disturbiaa]

FISH.

I'm supposed to be doing my report which is due tomorrow for sakes but the urge is too strong.

Not the urge to goyang or shake or whatsoever you might call it. The urge to (erm, fine) the OTHER SHAKE, CLUBBING.

I was at DBL O last Friday( Geoshua did a gay coverage here) and that being my first time, I seriously didn't know what to expect nor how to behave. But in the end, I was all loosed up enjoying myself. Something like this-





The atmosphere and experience may definitely be one of a kind, but the cause of my current addiction is actually Rihanna's Disturbia.




Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

You mind is in disturbiaaaaa


/eyes shuttttinngggggggggg

I anticipate my next craze to be just like this, less Disturbia-esque and more Dangerous.

. . .

[ My mind is going disturbia . .]

I Look Upon A Mirror and..

For all the trouble and pain, for the countless moments of oblivious shame and for all the moments you've been the phantom venom running through my veins,

I've finally come to conclude;

I actually do love my blog

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A Dream of Brotherly Love and Death.

While taking a short nap in the evening today, I had this touching dream. My dreams are always extreme and unique( most of the time), with every one telling a tale like no other. This is no different.

P/S: Be warned, this is totally abstract coming from the mentally unstable mind of Jordan that there is no picture to provide graphical aid at conveying the story. Reader's own imagination is advised.

. . .

I was with her, Keat, in a small and narrow multi-story house. We were there desperately seeking for my brother whom I've not seen in ages. In the house there was HanPeiling( generated randomly I SWEAR) who's someone between the keeper of the house, and the medium between the living and the dead.

Me and Keat was searching the place floor by floor bottom up, then up down multiple times. Each time HanPeiling would inform us the location of my brother's spirit whenever we used the solitary staircase to move between floors. As he's long gone, we are not able to see him with our eyes but we could feel his presence with our heart.

After spending so much effort on searching for his spirit in vain, things eventually got blurry and timeless due to the repeatitive process with zero progress. Things got so blurry and numb, the time I finally grip back hold of reality , I found myself lying at the bottom floor in a pool of my own blood. I was shot and eventually I'm lying there breathing my remaining breathe as I feel my life is slowly slipping away. As this was happening, I noticed my brother slowly became visible and he was happily responding to me from afar.

Now that I've finally known, I guess this is how it feels like at the end; and how those before me has been living among us in a different world. I've been curious my whole life and it finally came, but at the expense of a future , alive. Now I know, but it's too late to change my fate. I'm wasted. But at lease I've got my brother with me.. I'll be able to rest in peace..

Okay.

My dream was being with Keat in a room watching from a projector screen the movie above, with the perspective from my point of view. The movie was so accurate and correct about the way I feel, the way I think, the way I act that it actually felt like it's not a movie-it's reality. I was there by her side, weeping uncontrollably towards the ending.

. . .

That's a tale I just have to share. And it's true.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I Found $200 CASH for CRYING OUT LOUD!

Yesterday something funny happened. OK, funny isn't exactly the accurate word.. it's more like funny to me and out of the ordinary for you and the rest.

Anyway sometime after class yesterday I got a tip off from Geoshua my Undercover Intelligence Crew x 1 about some $ 200( RM 450) free money available at one of the nearby computer lab he just visited.

When we hear stuff like that, immediately we thinks of 1001 different catches and strings attached, but for once yesterday's chance didn't had either. There's no policeman watching, there's no sales person manning, it's not a voucher or a official letter worth $200 nor is it a foreign counterfeit notes.

Item 14319: The Real Deal

I'm talking about, THE REAL DEAL. YES. SGD 200.00 just literally lying there crying to be brought home. No joke!

It was actually in a projector's screen , the projector on thus projecting the money on the wall, just like that.


It's in here.


..doing this to me.
[Why are you doing this to me?
]


..flashing this.
This can very buy you girls plus still got change, for your info. Aha.
[Why are you doing this to me!!!]


Heck, it is just a few seconds being caught on the CCTV away only, freaking 200 dollars !


My logic tells me just take, no need think 1.

But my intuition tells me this is too good to be true; there's something sinister about this which I don't know of yet and will soon if I take it!

So in the end I turn my back at the money honourably and went on with my stuff, with lots of unanswered questions in me. Ahaha.

Then today in class Geoshua asked me bout it yesterday-

Geo: Eh why you never take sia, free money.

Jordan: Aiya I don't do free money, not like this type at lease. Why you never take yourself leh?

Geo: F*ck you la. Aiya, I scared got evil spirits guarding the money then later I take home they follow me also lidat die liao

Jordan: Lol. Don't worry la, you Singaporean , Singapore ghost won't disturb you 1 la coz you local.

Geo: @$W*%$(* !!!!

LOL!

And so this creates yet another mysterious stuff episode in our lives, we most probably won't ever know the truth to. Oh well, things like this makes live worth living, every bit of it:)

Cheers everyone.

P/s dear Money: Rest in Peace now, my friend.

What we are now is something we try to forget in the future

Imagine a tray and 50 coins.

Then get a few people to drop that 50 coins on the tray and the chances are high they will be a consistant and fair amount of heads and tails, but chances are extremely low anyone will strike all 50 heads or tails alone.

. . .

Similarly, I'm always half open and half closed; half true and half fake, half myself and half someone I want to be. One moment they'll add up to Personality X, the next Personality Y.

One day when I strike all 50 of them at once, then you'll my true self that I see everyday. Then, you may judge and I'll be pleased with anything you say.

But till then, don't bother concluding anything concrete from what you observe because (I believe) everything is merely temporary. Our self now is merely the journey, not the destination.

We are always changing and developing our true style that what we are now is something to forget in the future.


P/s: my inner voices makes me think of stuff like this, all the time. This is just one, you haven't seen anything yet.

Weirdness Me

Somewhere at one corner of my mind, there is this ever present List of Current Problems. It contains a few of my current worries/issues bothering me listed according to it's priority in my current state.

Oh, the list contains problems of all kind anybody could ever imagine, but the problems revolves around me always. Most of the time, they get cleared when I've finally fixed myself, rarely otherwise.

Anyway,the latest problem is my temporary inability to match the right words to express my thoughts and feelings, and also writing them out in a proper way for others to understand.

/ Pause.

I'm really struggling to even complete the previous paragraph.

/ Resume.

Regular readers of this blog would notice that lately, the post are becoming stranger and stranger and abstract. Well, I like it so this is what we'll read.

. . .

I'm weird, seriously. And I'm finally showing my true self to the online community. I know a number of my regular readers are also weird to quite the same extend, only on a different discipline of weirdness, if you get what I mean. /wink HPL, wink weiling, wink Ivan, wink Alan, wink KB, winks willy wonka.

Ahahaha.

My Thoughts and Words aren't on the same frequency= sucks. Really.

I'm coated with course assignments on the outside, drowning in seas of questions and thoughts in the inside.

Either way, time ain't stopping for me and for all I dread I might wake up one day realising it's all too late again.

I've mention this a couple of times since then, and I think I'm finally ready to settle down with a distinctive style.

They are so much things in my head with no links, and currently I am failing badly at representing it in words. That, is something I want to improve.

It's funny, really. I wish I can play God and be laughing at myself now for being so ridicules at this.

As for now, it's random blabbering time.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Following the Crowd- What happens if your opinion differs from the rest?

It's a matter of time before at some stage of our lives, we are faced with this same dilemma. I believe most people don't even consider this a dilemma because they don't even give it a proper thought, if you get what I mean.

I am always drowning in deep thoughts of my own on almost every single thing, that I often struggle to maintain my concentration on the physical happenings around me. It is bad, and good, a thing so it depends how one sees it.


Today in school, I heard there's a assignment submission due tomorrow. Instructions where told last week, of which the lecturer never explained it clearly and thoroughly.

One week ago,the lecturer told us we are being handed a mini assignment of summarizing an entire chapter which he will not cover due to time constrain, but he failed to indicate was it to be done individually or as a class thus creating speculation of this matter.

Some said as a class( less work to be done in general), some didn't want to take chances( they do themselves regardless of what others thinks), some others couldn't stand knowing others are doing( so they also join in and do themselves) and in the end, almost everyone is doing it for security reasons.

As for me, I choose not to believe it due to my logical reasoning- that the lecturer did this purely out of grave time constrain in our schedule, instead of for grading us purposes.

I've also got quite a reputation for standing to things I believe, even if it is not always right.

It's called standing out of the crowd, trying to be funny by some, giving excuses and being lazy by others. It depends on how you see it which differs.

***

What happens when you find yourself in this kind of situation, when your opinion and personal belief differs from the rest?

Would you stand out and try to be heard against the current, or hide in the shadows and go with the flow?


***

P/s: * Actually, I didn't do it because of my own time constrain. I'm not taking the chances of doing something which is half certain. For this time, I've gotten a easy way out, but it's not always going to be this easy all the time. Which boils down to the question, what would I next time when faced with the same dilemma of another kind?

Superficial. No. Spritual makeover. Aha.

P/s-

*This post and those onwards have little/almost nothing to do with the recent previous post at the blog
*

** I'm starting anew, and blogging is based on my (expert,ahem) opinion about things around me. Just stay tuned and you'll get what I mean**

Lastly, thanks Jenny from Antithesis2.net for your (totally out of the blue) comforting email of genuine concern yesterday. I wish you all the best in all that you do.

Now,
Over and out.‏

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Ultimate Question of Life and Blogging

What is the purpose of all our actions?
I can occupy my mind 99% of the time making hopes and achiving goals, but sometime somewhere that 1% will come back and haunt. That's when I'll be asking myself,

..what is the purpose of blogging?


Ultimately,what is the purpose of life?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Inkheart !

* This is an advertorial in collaboration with Nuffnang Singapore *

****
I closed my eyes and found myself there, in a faraway place of a dried up lake, with people digging holes. Funny as it seems, it's true. Closed my eyes again, and maybe thing's will change..

Dark in here.

How long has it been now?

I don't know.

Nevermind. I opened my eyes and I am still here. With nothing other to do, I joined them and together, we happily dug holes. This is lovely. This is realllly lovely.

What happened between then? Nothing, just holes being dug.

There's this girl, Kaet( she's real, seriously) who dropped out of the sky and prompted me to immortalize her online, but no. I didn't quite agree with her initially because I was so engrossed and occupied with digging hole( in my mind) that I couldn't spare a second for her, even for God's sake.

Pissed off in dissatisfaction, she went and cook some noodles , thankfully disappearing out of sight. Then came the absolute shocker- I freaking turned to my left and peeped out of my hole, and saw her digging a hole too, next to mine, next to theirs in that dried up lake somewhere in nowhere. I don't know how or why, but it just happened that way.

It appeared that I'm no longer in the storybook fantasy alone. I can't say nuts now, but I've gotta share my fame with the her. Ah. I really hope no one else joins her in becoming a fantasy spoiler, at lease not in my story.

Time for you to stop watching and start living. There's a tale waiting, and it's coming..

..here we go now.

Here it is now. Remember, catch Inkheart in cinemas from 22th January 2009.


* End of Advertorial *

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I'm so Depressed

I don't know how I've ended up like this, but fact is I'm feeling so sad, blue, lost, aimless. I'm so depressed, that's right. I'm feeling that potentially suicidal depression, though I doubt it'll end that way.

I want to meet new people

I want to break away from this routine life, my regular life.

I want to do new things.

I want to talk to new strangers online on MSN.

I want to get to know you.


Talk to me, someone.

Maybe, add me on msn- balistafear.aerojordan@hotmail.com.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

My Video Didn't Win It, Oh Nuffnang

Nuffnang Singapore released the results for this Vlog contest. I'm still left thinking how I could have lost out to the winning video. I don't know, maybe I sound cocky and arrogant, but I'm not.

My Video

das - connection

The Video which W0n


Okay. Maybe I'm just paranoid or single sided. Leave a comment, thanks.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A Little Thought

There was a time when blogging is archived very freely and everything is blissful in such oblivious world of mine. Many times it'd occurred to me if it will last forever not, if I would ever have the time to be lost in my own virtual world.

Never had ever taken that seriously, I never really needed too.

Not till lately.

Now I understand.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

I'm confused. I need some time out.

Blogging is slow for the moment.